Thursday, November 4, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Welcome to the Rotation!

There is no way this woman would ever be tardy for a party.
Every once in a while in this life, we are introduced to someone or something that has the ability to change the way we view the world.

My first life-altering experience happened at the age of 11, at the Andorra movie theater in the Roxborough section of Philadelphia. My friend Rob and I bought tickets to see The Naked Gun, which from the previews looked to be a very funny, dumb movie. Turns out, it was the funniest, dumbest movie I'd ever seen and changed the way I looked at everything in this funny, but mostly dumb world. During the baseball montage when the player attempted to steal second base and slid feet-first into a tiger who mauled him, I devoted my life to thinking like an absolute idiot.  

Of course he should slide into a tiger who mauls him! That's funny! Shortstops aren't funny! Okay, shortstops are still kind of funny, especially foreign ones, but not nearly as funny as a guy attempting to steal second base who gets mauled by a tiger!

For the record, this is debatable as shown by Ozzie Guillen and many other jolly Dominican infielders who have attempted to speak the English language. 

And that'll retire the side for the Angels.
Ten years later, my college roommate Cornelius introduced me the potent combination of marijuana and sweatpants, which was trumped minutes later by the addition of triple-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and video games. This led to the greatest semester of my life, a new-found appreciation for art museums and a sink that was constantly filled with dirty knives.

Six years ago, I had my most recent life-changing experience, meeting my wife. It was at that time that I realized that there was in fact a woman out there with a perfectly round butt, combined with absolute bazooka breasts (and yes, that deadly duo can make everything okay in the world). Later, when I discovered that she shared my love for sweatpants and potato chips, I knew that I had to make her mine forever.

Well now, my wife will be sorry to hear that I have a new woman in my life, who currently resides in a house in some far off place called Atlanta. She is labeled simply and unfairly as just a "Housewife", but trust me, she is much more than that.

Her name is Nene and I love her.

How do I not own this book? ... I seriously want to start a TV My Wife Watches Book Club and have this be the first read.
For those of you who are not familiar with Nene and the rest of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you need to be. Just last week, I was like you, enthralled with housewives from places like "New" Jersey and Beverly Hills, but have found that they pale in comparison to their counterparts in Hotlanta. For one, the women of Atlanta are black, and are led by Nene, a charismatic giant, in presence and personality who has the potential to one day rule the world (or at the very least, have a weekly column devoted to her and her friends on some sweatpants'd blogger's blog blog).

Nene's name is pronounced nee-nee, like "Toscanini's ice cream" or "Hey, why'd you leave the dishwasher open you jerk?! I just banged my knee-knee!" She is seemingly 6 foot 3, but carries herself with the grace of a woman 6 foot 2. She is confident, goofy, smart, witty, doesn't take herself too seriously, says what's on her mind and refers to her va-jay-jay as a "va-jay-jay."

But more than that, Nene seems real in a way that no other Real Housewives seem real.

In the two weeks that I've gotten to know her, she has shown me both strength and vulnerability. When Nene took me along to get her boobs done and her nose fixed, I saw a woman who makes decisions for herself, regardless of other peoples' opinions and thoughts. I also saw a woman completely zonked out on anesthesia who mumbled to herself and pined for her husband to give her the emotional support she needed at a time when he did not approve of  her decisions and lifestyle. Despite her independence, Nene needs Gregg (pronounced "Grayyy-gggg"). In the subsequent week that followed, Nene took me bra shopping and we shared a mother's day brunch together. Nene divulged some personal feelings regarding her struggling marriage, with a wisdom and fear rarely displayed by other Housewives across this great country we call Bravo.

This is Phaedra and Apollo ... just eating pickles ... not that big of a deal.
One small confessional by Nene at the end of this week's episode showed a grace and understanding and tolerance of people that is so rarely displayed by the women of these shows. After the old-ass dude with the grey beard acted inappropriately towards Nene, she did not flip out, bash him to the camera or make some ridiculous claim that she could no longer stand to be in the same room with him. He made a mistake, acted like a jerk, said some stupid and hurtful things while sticking his foot in his mouth in a way that many of us have done when we were trying to be funny or provocative or just showing off for our friends. Nene simply said (and I'll have to paraphrase considering I don't have DVR and would never want to misquote my new best friend) that she liked Peter, he's a cool dude, but he just stepped over the line. That's it. She may stay pissed at him. Maybe she'll get an apology, maybe she won't. To be honest, I hardly know Nene, maybe she'll take hedge-clippers and shank him in the throat. At the very least, she now knows that he has this prickish side to him and will be more conscious of his faults going forward, but she's not going to end any friendships, flip over any tables, or get some guy named Danny with long hair and sweatpants to follow her to events at The Brownstone.

Whereas so many of these other housewives are train-wrecks, impossible to ignore because of their impending drama, irrational behavior and meltdowns, Nene seems genuinely likable and I am pulling for her. It seems to me from the glimpses of Grayyy-gggg that I've seen, that his distance has had a profound effect on her and she is faced with a difficult decision that so many housewives in fledgling marriages are faced with: stick it out and once again try to repair a damaged relationship? or cut ties and start on an unknown, daunting independent journey without financial and emotional stability?

I hope my new girlfriend realizes she's not alone. I am here for her and will be watching and blogging every week. Since Mad Men ended, I've been looking for a new show and inspiration to add to the list of regularly blogged about shows on this here blog blog. I always knew I liked Atlanta: Outkast, Mike Vick, Dominique Wilkins, Freaknik and now Nene.

Real Housewives of the A.T.L., I will see you on Sundee night! ... with a bag of chips, my wife and a pair of sweatpants on.

I would also love to see a tiger maul someone.

And possibly a white woman rap / sing country music about how one should not be late for social gatherings.

How many knives were dirtied to make this?

Oh, also, this one lady named Phaedra thought it'd be a good idea to take pregnancy pictures of her and fiance eating pickles! View them here.


  1. just posted this to my facebook profile. hilarious. keep 'em coming. can't get enough of the housewives.

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