Monday, November 8, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Nine Months, Six Months, Either One Works

34 weeks divided by 4 weeks in a month = not enough months.
At this point, you may have read rumors on TMZ and/or The Superficial about how TV My Wife Watches may actually change into an exclusive 24/7 Real Housewives of Atlanta blog blog ... well, I am here to tell you that those rumors are ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

I mean, I enjoy Dancing With the Stars and House Hunters International as much as the next guy's girlfriend, but The Real Housewives of Atlanta are TAKING OVER MY LIFE. I have not been this obsessed with anything since trying to beat Contra. I literally spent 25 minutes today reading NeNe's biography on Amazon.com and now can't stop calling people "honey child." For the record, I'm not even sure if any of the Real Housewives of Atlanta even use the words, "honey child," but I can't help myself. What makes it even worse, is that I haven't talked to anyone all day and have been calling myself "honey child." I just ate a sandwich and said (OUT LOUD), "Oooohhhhh, honey child, these bread and butter pickles are the truth! You can run and tell that!"

I was actually a bit nervous going into last night's episode, seeing as it was the first time I'd ever really watched the show with any sort of expectations. Just last week, I anointed it into the regular rotation of my TV watching, replacing Mad Men. Well, two minutes into the episode, Kandi introduced us to Lawrence, a clog-wearing, openly gay and flamboyant hairdresser who Kandi hopes to turn into the next Ru Paul of her recording label. After Lawrence told Kandi that he was "ready to work" because he's "got some real grown lady bills", any reservations I had about this show were gone, girl.

I never noticed how blue that guy's hair is.
Outside of Lawrence and NeNe, new pregnant housewife Phaedra has roped me in as well. Phaedra is not sure just how pregnant she is (or doesn't seem to understand how exactly a baby forms inside of another human). At brunch last week, Phaedra stumbled when she was asked when her due date was, which baffled all of the other housewives. It seems to me that there are three possibilities to explain what's going on here:

1. Phaedra really has no idea how this whole baby thing works and is convinced that once a baby hits six months, it's good to go. This seems unlikely considering she's a successful lawyer and not a martian.

However, if she is a successful lawyer, why was she meeting with that lady from Destiny's Child and telling her that the two of them had to write a one woman show together? I always thought lawyers did stuff like sued people and got free tickets to Sixers games, not wrote little one-acts for divas.

2. The girls' intuitions are correct and Phaedra is just hiding the fact that she got knocked up prior to Apollo getting out of the klink. Or, if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's just not sure when he knocked her up.

or

3. Phaedra is a martian.

And judging from her makeup, I'm leaning towards numero tres.

I also have another question as a dude (although I am aware that writing this blog blog basically eliminates any dude credibility that I have), but since when do pregnancies last ten months? It seems like every pregnant chick/mother I come across these days (and I come across A LOT of 'em) claims that a full pregnancy takes ten months. When did this change? Growing up, I was always thought that babies came after nine months. All of a sudden it's ten?!?! It's hard enough to divide by twelve any time some lady tells me how many months old her baby is. Whoa, honey child!

Bobby Brown and Phaedra stare down a white person. 
Another unbelievable scene occurred two weeks ago when martian Phaedra and Kandi revealed that they have been known to dip their fingers in sugar (confectioners works best) before they slide 'em up in their va-jay-jays! NeNe was freaked out and later preached during her confessional that "ain't no candied yams going up in (her) va-jay-jay," to which my wife replied, "I'm with you, girl!"

It was also interesting to hear that Kim (aka Da White One) is a registered nurse from UConn. In a way, it was reassuring to hear that Kim maybe in fact had a brain at one point of her life. Because as ridiculous as these women are, they're not stupid. Clearly they're all charismatic and engaging and it's nice to know that Kim previously had some ambition in this world besides putting out ridiculous country/rap songs.

Lastly, the scene where Cynthia (that's the one who's ridiculously beautiful and dates Captain Grey Beard) had to witness NeNe and Greeeeyyyyggggg's rocky relationship first-hand was very hard to watch. NeNe clearly had too much to drink and her husband did a remarkable job of remaining cool. On the post-game show, NeNe was unapologetic for her behavior and stated she gone be all right because quite frankly, she gone be all right.
Feddd and I need to go back and watch this.

Before I wrap up, can we all just take a second to recognize that NeNe's plastic surgeon is named Dr. Whiteman?!?!?! This is the most hilarious / ridiculous / wonderful coincidence ever. The only thing that could possibly be more outrageous would be if Kandi's next boyfriend was named Sugar Twat.

5 comments:

  1. If I hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Select, Start...will I get the time I just spent reading that article about the worst show on television back???

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  2. My friend DickDog also thinks the show is terrible.

    I want Shy Ronnie and Rihanna to get their own show.

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  3. People who don't like the RHofA have no soul. For the record, this category no longer includes Bristol Palin.

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  4. Since you now watch this show voluntarily, don't you have to stop blogging about it? Also, I'm not sure you have a grammatical understanding of the word "anoint."

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  5. Oh it still made sense Nathan! And if you wanna get technical, RHofAtl is also watched by my wife.*

    Here's a poem by Steve Martin:

    Oh pointy birds,
    So pointy-pointy.
    Anoint my head,
    Anointy-nointy.



    *not technically my wife yet.

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