Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Real Dudes of New Jerz, New York and the A.T.L.

Never trust a man with an Adam's Apple the size of Trenton.
Like most women who show cleavage, Bravo's Housewives are always hogging the limelight. It's time we show some attention to the people who drool over those breasts, the fellas. I have broken these dudes into four categories: those that are insane, those who deserve their own show, those that are idiots and those that are relatively sane and somewhat likable. Let's take a look at the Real Dudes of New Jersey, New York and Atlanta, starting with New Jersey, America's trashland.

New Jerooz - the Armpit of America

Absolutely Insane 
Danielle, stay here and show off your perfect butt while I karate chop that guy in the neck.
Danny - the sweatpants-loving "friend" of Danielle Staub's
Everybody's favorite ex-con may be the only person who likes sweatpants more than I do. I'm not even sure if I've ever seen Danny in sweatpants, but I imagine he always wears them along with all-white high tops and sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off. My most vivid memory of Danny was when Danielle gave him VIP access to her pole dancing demonstration ("engage and suggest") and he sat there nodding and biting his lower lip like a member of Jodeci. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tucked a cloth napkin into his shirt and pulled out a knife and fork while he watched. I apologize to any women who may have just barfed all over themselves. Also, Danny, if you're reading this, please don't kill me.

Needs His Own Show
I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?
Captain Caveman - aka Teresa's husband, Joe
Teresa's husband is an absolute cro-magnon man and could climb out of debt if he only starred in his own spin-off. We could follow Joe around as he tried to handle day-to-day tasks such as holding a pencil or conversing with a human. I am looking forward to the day when a Page Six reporter breaks the story that Joe is the father of Ronnie from Jersey Shore. I would also like to apologize to the real Captain Caveman for comparing such a dickhead to a comedic legend.

Complete Idiot

And you wanna be my latex salesman?
Albie - Caroline's son 
Look, I think it's sweet that Caroline and her family fully support Albie in his quest to become a lawyer. And it's great that he tries so hard and is determined to achieve his goal, but this dude needs a new goal. I taught Middle School Special Ed for three years and told my kids that they could achieve anything if they put their mind to it, but I WAS LYING! There's no shame in having a learning disability, but there is shame in hiring an incompetent attorney. Albie, how about a more attainable goal, like selling grapefruits? I love grapefruits!

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
No idea what's going on here.
Derek - Jacqueline's daughter Ashley's boyfriend
Besides dating the absolute stupidest person in the world, Ashley's boyfriend actually seems to be somewhat wise, mature, conscious. Following her arrest and subsequent rant on Facebook, Ashley vented about how horrible her parents' advice was, but Derek sided with her folks and told her just how immature and ignorant she was acting. According to radaronline.com, Ashley recently tweeted that she and Derek have broken up. According to TV My Wife Watches, Derek is probably now playing video games with his friends and having the BEST TIME EVER.

New York - The City That Never Shuts Up

Absolutely Insane 
Here's looking at you, dude.
This guy is out of his mind. He babbles incessantly, is constantly getting into arguments and probably has a meth problem considering he's always sucking on lollypops. He also cries more than any other man besides Dick Vermeil.

Needs His Own Show

Now where did I put my dignity?
We could go a variety of different ways for Simon's show: we could follow him at his hotel, put him on a sitcom, or my personal favorite: have him coach his sons' soccer team. I mean, the guy is British so he's probably more knowledgeable on the subject than most American dads, plus he has no idea how to supervise children. Actually, now that I think about it, he should coach football. Call me Simon, we can make this happen!

Complete Idiot 

Not a good move for Adidas's marketing campaign.
Mario - Ramona's husband
First of all, he's married to Ramona. Secondly, his name is Mario. The only other Marios out there are a video game plumber and a dude who played Greg Louganis in Breaking The Surface: The A.C. Slater Story. Also, I vaguely remember him taking a tennis match with Simon WAY too seriously when Simon had clearly never done anything athletic in his life (which makes this Simon coaching show an even better idea!).

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
Jill's boob is almost in his breast pocket.
Bobby Zarin - Jill's husband
Besides wearing those colored dress shirts with the white collars (the #1 sign of a douche), he seems nice enough. Also, he has a beard, which is cool.  

Atlanta - Dominique Wilkins's Boneyard

Absolutely Insane 
Nice nips.
Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad - Sheree's new love interest?
There's no way this guy is a doctor. I'm not even sure if he's employed. Plus, what's up with his balding pattern? There have been some strange bald spots in the history of bald spots (Rasheed Wallace, Goran Pandev, my pubis), but his is like a reverse mohawk. I genuinely think this guy is a virgin. I'll tell you who's not a virgin: Greg Louganis.  

Needs His Own Show
You can actually see the hairspray IN the photograph.
Mr. Fancy - Dwight
This guy is so fancy! For his show, I'm thinking we get him, Miss. J, Jay Manuel, the guy from the Real Housewives of DC and your gay cousin and have them scurry around town, speaking in their funny little way that they do and see what hi-jinks ensue. I envision it being just like True Blood. 

Complete Idiot 
I secretly think this guy is an absolute jerk.
Peter - Cynthia's grey-bearded fiancee
Probably the most pretentious of all the people on these shows and that's REALLY saying something. Also, I'm pretty sure that this guy is either foreign or has some sort of syndrome. I can't believe Cynthia's marrying him. He has a syndrome!

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
This picture was for his homies back in the klink.
Apollo - Phaedra's fiancee who is also an ex-con
I genuinely think Apollo is sweet and kind and has been fully rehabilitated, just like Michael Vick. I also know very little about him which makes him a perfect candidate for this category.

Apologies go out to all the dudes of D.C., Beverly Hills, Orange County and anyone married to Sarah Palin. I imagine they are all very entertaining as well, there's just not enough hours in the day.


  1. Apology accepted for the dudes in sweatpants of D hill.

  2. Real Housewives of Drexel Hill could be the most terrifying show ever.

  3. balding pubis "gave me lollers"

  4. Thanks for laughing at my balding pubes. I'll chalk you up as the 76th person to achieve that feat.

  5. Albie - Caroline's son

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