Friday, November 5, 2010

DWTS: Week 7 - See Ya Foxy!

Ice T shows off his curly locks.
Let me just state right off the bat that I am aware that Dancing With the Stizzles airs on Monday nights and the fact that I am writing about it four days later is completely unacceptable. But I am a busy man. I spend most of my week eating cereal, wearing a robe and writing about other shows.

However, my wife DEMANDS that I write about DWTS and I gotta admit, last week's episode was FANTASTIC.

I've actually heard a lot of people say, "I just can't get into DWTS," although they don't actually say D.W.T.S., because that would be even more unacceptable than writing about DWTS a good 96 hours after it airs. These people are dumb. Folks, it's pseudo celebrities dancing! Who doesn't like to watch even normal people dancing? Think about what you do at weddings! You sit around, feel self conscious about being the first person to grab a piece of bread from the center of the table and spend the entire night watching other people dance! Geez, I spent a great majority of my teenage years watching spying on my next-door neighbor making waffles, and that was exciting! If she had invited over Malcolm Jamal Warner or Tina Yothers over to dance with her, it would've blown my mind.

Back to Monday night, which provided me with my most proudest TVMWW (that's TV My Wife Watches) moment to date: I came home to find my wife, bundled up under a blanket on the couch, IN MY ROBE, watching DWTS and TAKING NOTES for me.

I know!


The first thing she wrote down was, "Kelly Osbourne - looks great - snotty" as DWTS brought back some of their favorite competitors in honor of their 200th episode. The theme of the show was that the competitors would have to mimic dances from the past, performed by such big-time stars like Helio Castroneves and Nick Lachey's legitimately little brother. He's so little!

Tina Yothers dresses up as Kelly Osbourne for Halloween.
But before that, the performers were broken up into two teams, selected by captains Apolo Ohno and Kristi Yamaguchi who apparently have not been able to build careers following their Olympic greatness the way that Bruce Jenner has. Apolo and The Yammer had a fantasy draft to select their teams that went like this:

1st pick: Apolo took Jennifer Grey and Derek
A solid first round pick. Although Jennifer is emotionally fragile and older than Florence Henderson, she has proven to be a favorite from the start and can successfully do a split. Derek is a stud, consistently gets the most out of his partners and could probably make speed-skating enjoyable to watch ......... I equate this pick to Adrian Peterson.

2nd pick: Kristi takes Bristol and Pistol and Mark
What?!?! Has Kristi seen one episode of this season's competition? The only possible reason she could have made this selection was the fact that Mark was her partner when she won the competish two years ago. Unfortunately, The Pistol has about as much life in her as Florence Henderson's dead husband .......... this was like taking Mike Sims-Walker #2 overall.

3rd pick: Apolo takes Brandy and Maks
Highway robbery. Apolo gets without a doubt the two front-runners as Brandy has proven over the last few weeks that she is in fact black. Maks's popularity is off the charts and my wife was later found to be doodling "Katie + Maks 4 eva" in her notes. Thanks Maks ....... this was like having Chris Johnson fall to you at #3.

4th pick: Kristi takes Rick and Cheryl
Once again, the Yammer shows that she's been spending her Monday nights either watching football or dating a Kardashian. Rick Fox is a nice guy, decent dancer, easy on the eyes, but absolutely no threat to win the title. Cheryl is fantastic and could probably find her way into the end-zone (not a sexual innuendo) more often than Mike Sims-Walker-Texas-Ranger ....... this was like taking a kicker in the first four rounds; and not even a good, consistent kicker, like Jason Hanson ... this was like taking Graham Gano.

Quick tangent: my buddy Toddy Dee once took Larry Centers #7 overall in his fantasy football draft. Granted, it was the year that Centers was coming off that season when he caught like, 100 balls, but still, Larry Centers?!?! Amazing. Toddy Dee also once lived above his parents' pool house a la Mike Seaver in Growing Pains. We called it "The Seaver Dome" and I witnessed some amazing television and sports moments in the Dome, such as: Keith Primeau's 5th overtime game winner vs. the Penguins and Antonio Freeman's off-the-back-butt-catch on Monday Night Football. We also watched the movie The Outsiders twice in a row with the closed-captioning on, something I recommend any college student who gets Johnny Blazed to do.

Tv My Wife Watches Book Club book #2
5th pick: Apolo takes Kurt Warner and Anna
With this pick, Apolo was clearly taking "the best professional available," a brilliant choice to round out his dream team. If Anna could take the all-time least mobile quarterback in NFL history to the final six of a dancing competition, then she could do just about anything. That includes ending my marriage ........ this was like landing Hinds Ward in the 13th round.

Last pick: Kristi takes Kyle and Lacy Underalls
Poor Kyle was left standing there all alone, the last choice of all the dancers. We all know this feeling, whether it be in gym class, on the playground or seated at a wedding table with just some crumbs of bread sitting in front of you. Kyle should use this as bulletin board material to motivate himself into the finals, especially now that Jennifer Grey dances like Buzz Aldrin .......... this was like having to sit next to a chubby kid on the bus ride home because every other seat was taken and you were scared to sit in the back with the kids who wore jean jackets.

To be quite honest, I have no idea which team won and I'm not even sure what the freeps'd Apolo and The Yammer did besides choose their teams. I do know that I have been having a VERY hard time concentrating on the performers lately, and have been completely fixated on the pros. It's very interesting to see which pros are the best at not showing off too much to make their partner "stars" look bad, but still twirl around and make faces to prove how great they are. In my opinion, Derek is in this competition only for himself and even when Jennifer Grey's heart explodes in the coming weeks, he will continue to come back and promote some sort of DVD or hair product that he endorses.

Here are some other quickfire thoughts because this is running entirely too long and I need to make some moves for my fantasy football team:

- My wife was right, Kelly Osbourne did look FANTASTIC, but seemed a little too high on herself regarding her dance number from way back when. This is not surprising though for a girl who came from a ridiculous childhood and is now learning how to be attractive.

- The Pistol is just too detached and lifeless. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see a sex-tape of her making a baby with that high school boyfriend of hers, but I get the feeling it'd be more disappointing than Kim Kardashian's.

(If anyone has not seen Kim Kardash's sex tape, it is without a doubt one of the most disappointing productions since Tina Yothers's career. Kim Kardash is completely lifeless and moans like a squirrel. Tina Yothers amazingly put together the same performance in a TV Movie about The Laker Girls.)

Hey Maks, thanks for my impending divorce, buddy!
- I had no idea that the little backstage perch where the stars hang out is called "The Skybox." This is the first piece of interesting information Brooke Burke has ever told me (besides where to get a good Long Island Iced Tea in Turks & Caicos).

- I can't handle listening to Jennifer Grey cry and complain about how old she is anymore. Amazingly, every Tuesday night when I get home from playing basketball with a bunch of Jewish people, I say the same things, "It's just so fwustwating that my body can no longer do the things I tell it to do!" Well Jennifer, maybe you shouldn't be doing splits and sliding your foot on a man's chest. I have given up attempting to make a layup with my left hand.

- Mel B. was brought back, which led me to make the joke, "Who the freeps'd is this? A Spice Girl?" Turns out, yes, Mel B. was a Spice Girl. If she is looking for her next career move, she should definitely endorse Melba Toast. I love that stuff and they are in desperate need for a new marketing campaign and she seems desperate for anything. 

- I think Rick Fox has gone way too Hollywood. He introduced his girlfriend by saying, "This is my girlfriend, Eliza Dushku." Shouldn't he just have said, "This is my girlfriend, Eliza"? Wasn't he essentially saying, "This is my girlfriend, the famous actress, Eliza Dushku, who I have to introduce like that because she's not really THAT famous and robe-wearing bloggers across the country are going to have to IMDB her to see what she's been in"?

- Lastly, Brandy has now taken over as the clear favorite in this competition. She and Maks have really shined the past few weeks and despite how unlikable she is, Maks is so damn good-looking, charming and Russian that he really could propel her to win the whole thing. Maks has never won the competition and you know it has to be eating at him that Mark and Derek each have two championships and he has none. He also has the uncanny ability to grow a beard in a matter of minutes which may force me to start voting for the first time in my life. I swore I never would, but I also swore I'd never eat Special K and I just had my third bowl of the day.

Now where's my robe?!

And why don't I blog about Keeping Up With the Kardashians? ... That show is fantastic!

Spice Toast!


  1. Speaking of the Kim Kardashian Sex Tape. I've told you about Drew Megary who is funny and blogs, mostly about football so you should know this man. Find his weekly Funbag here: where he answers readers emailed questions. Here's my question from last week I think it has potential to actually make the website. I am also delusional. And totally drunk right now.

    So my question has to do with celebrity sex tapes, most notably Kim Kardashian's with Ray-J. Or is it Ray-Jay? Whothefuckcares! I personally have seen this one a few times, the internet version though so, sadly, no watersports for me. What I always wonder is if the family and friends of the celebrity have watched their sex tape? I don't think I'd want to watch one of my college roommates sex tapes with their boyfriend, but none of my college roommates have an ASS like Kimmy K! Here's my breakdown. Reggie Bush: I don't think he's watched. Just because he dated her and watching her get peed on by another black guy would probably kill his boner. Lamar Odom: He has DEFINITELY watched. And then felt like a total bitch for marrying her less-hot sister. Scott Disick: (Kourtney's BF) Has also definitely watched and probably jerked it, too. Except that he was watching Ray-J the whole time. Finally, Bruce Jenner: This is where I'm at a total loss. I'm 50-50 split between it being so disturbing to him that he would cry over it. Or he watches it regularly and jerks it. So what do you think?

    Feel free to answer this question yourself. On second thought, this will never make the website and your input is wanted.

  2. No doubt that Lamar and Scott have watched, probably along with the other Kardashian sisters. I'm guessing the other sisters giggled and made fun of Kim while watching with a group of people, and kept leaving the room saying things like, "Oh my God, turn it off!" but kept coming back to the computer to watch. They probably went back later to check it out on their own too.

    At this point, I'm guessing that Reggie has also watched, if in fact he is over Kim. I think most people would agree they would love to see their ex's sex tapes (as long as they weren't still carrying a flame for said ex).

    Bruce is a tough one and I guess it all comes down to when Kim came into his life. If she was a pre-teen and Bruce raised her like his own, I would say he has NOT seen it. But if he moved in to the Kardashian Kompound after Kimmy had already fully developed as a woman, then no doubt that he has watched THE WHOLE THING, in his robe with a GIGANTIC bowl of Wheaties.

    I wonder just how often Ray-J still watches that tape. I mean, he must still watch it EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. In fact, I'm guessing he asks every person he ever comes across if they too would like to watch it with him.

    I envision Ray-J (also in his robe) answering the door for the cable guy and being like, "Oh hey, yeah, thanks for coming by man, having some trouble with the On Demand here. Yeah, I can get to the On Demand screen, but can't play any of the programs. I dunno, look, I'm not sure if you have any other appointments today, but I was about to pop in this sex tape I have, of me having sex with Kim Kardashian. Yeah, no, seriously, I did. And it's on tape. I know! It's crazy, so yeah, cool, if you wanna watch, I'm down, cause I was about to make some popcorn, and to be honest, I don't really even need On Demand cause I've got this tape. If you gotta go, I've got a quick, 9 minute online version we could watch, but I've also got the 2 hour version, which I prefer. So whatever, if you wanna call up your friends too, that's fine. I've got plenty of popcorn, bought a family pack, so."

  3. There's NO WAY Bruce watches it. No way.