Sunday, November 28, 2010

DWTS: Finale - Part Dos (A Week Late and A Week After People Have Already Forgotten About This Show and Jennifer Grey)

Did their son just get Bar Mitzvahed?
Ten weeks ago, when Jennifer Grey first appeared on Dancing With the Stizzies, she seemed to have the self confidence of a llama. Now, after winning the competition, she has raised her self-esteem to that of a slightly-less-hopeless llama (AND got to take home a shiny trophy). Jennifer now knows that she is better at dancing than eleven other celebrities that aren't really celebrities, except for one sort-of celebrity who is actually a better dancer than her, but did not receive enough votes from a country full of idiots who almost elected an insane (but very sexy) former Vice Presidential candidate.

If you devote ten weeks of your life to anything, you should get results. If you work out for ten weeks, you should become more fit. If you practice doing The Robot, you should get more chicks. For me, after joining my wife on the couch for the last ten Mondays, I now refer to the Pasodoble as the "Paso." I also have about four or five friends who have lost their last iotas of respect for me even though I could've sworn this happened about twelve years ago when I admitted to them that I thoroughly enjoy wearing long underwear. Also, I have a new-found respect for Tom Bergeron and have vaulted him to the status of The Second Funniest Person In Showbiz behind Pat Sajak. To be quite honest, I find Sajak absolutely hilarious and have no idea why his talk show was not a smashing success.

Who else went through transformations? Well I'm glad you asked!  

And why am I talking to myself? No one asked anything. I asked myself that stupid question and only because I couldn't think of a transition to my next paragraph. Also, I'm not even sure why I'm still typing right now. Just get on with it. There I go talking to myself again. Please punch me square in the eyeballs.

Alfred E. Neuman Jr.
Kyle: You gotta think that Kyle'll be able to parlay his success from the show into SOMETHING. I'm thinking he'll get a gig on Entertainment Tonight or Extra or whatever show most resembles a half-hour of people reporting about absolute dogshit. Oh who am I kidding? I know it's those two shows. I also know that TMZ has a show and can name at least four or five co-hosts on Good Morning America and The Today Show and know the names of both Regis and Kelly's fill-ins / spouses. I could see Kyle being the guy who does silly little segments while reporting on the set of Cagney and Lacey or something. I could also see him hosting Wheel of Fortune.

The Pistol: Along with displaying the ability to cause drunk dudes to blast-out their TV screens with a shotgun, I think Bristol took great strides towards developing a pulse. I look forward to seeing her disguised at a gypsy at Penn Station her next endeavor.

Brandy: If Brandy's manager, agent, person she hired once upon a time who planned on embezzling money from her has any brains whatsoever, he or she will have her in the studio recording an album IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. Brandy came into the show about as likable as Kashi Go Lean, but because she got screwed, America now sees her as a bowl of dry cereal with a few slices of bananas sprinkled in.  

What the freak am I talking about?!?! That last sentence made absolutely no sense. I gotta be honest, the only reason I'm writing anything right now is because I got more hits on this stupid blog than ever before this past week and just wanted to pounce on whatever glimmer of popularity that this Kashi Go Lean of a blog has right now by putting out a post before Monday morning. It's 9:33pm on Sunday night and all I want to do is watch Peyton Manning so expect this blog post to end SOON.

The ONLY acceptable way to eat Kashi Go Lean.
Maks and Derek: These two dudes have separated themselves from the rest of the pros and should be dating really really hot chicks very very soon. I heard from my buddy Danny who lives in LA Fitness that Maks and Erin Andrews broke up, which to be honest is probably a great move for him because even though she's hot, he can do much much better. Derek (who I think is straight) should also be taking lots of chicks to the boneyard although I imagine he'll end up with someone lame like Miley Cyrus. And for the record, I totally don't think that Miley Cyrus is lame. In fact I think she's kind of a smoke-dog and could very well end up the future Vice President of this glorious nation.

The Situation: Not sure what Sitch's next move will be. I've been seeing a lot of him recently peddling some energy drink on the sidebar of my Hotmail inbox. I also noticed that he graced the cover of Dude's Fitness Magazine, a publication notorious for encouraging steroid use. I'm thinking by 2016, Sitch's testicles will have shrunk to the size of Grape Nuts and he will be forced to wear long underwear in an attempt to make them seem normal sized slightly bigger / acceptable.

Margaret Cho, Michael Bolton and The Hoff: The only three "stars" with actual careers should be fine. Although I do worry for Hoff's testicles as well.

32 new martial arts training moves!
Foxy and Kurt Warner: Kurt is now doing color for Fox Sports as part of their lowest ranking team alongside Sam Rosen or Chris Rose or whatever schlub they're sending to broadcast the Carolina Panthers' games. At the very least, women will get excited when they show him in the booth. Foxy on the other hand proved that he's a little too Hollywood, as if his curly locks were not enough of a dead giveaway. It's a shame because he had such a blue-collar hoops game. I think I hate him.

Florence Henderson: I'm excited for her to live out her remaining years having sex with old dudes. Although I do worry for their testicles too.

Yep, it's time to end this.

Dancing With the Stizzies, I'll see you next season. 

Now I'm talking to a TV Show? That doesn't make ANY sense. It's a TV show. It can't hear me, understand me; it can't read a blog and there is NO REASON to be talking or writing or communicating with it. Also, Real Housewives of Atlanta is about to start. I'm out! 

And yes I'm aware that I left out Audrina. That lady was a snooze. 

Miley Cyrus though, definitely not a snooze. 


  1. I've been wondering since I read this-- are we just assuming Michael Bolton doesn't have testicles? Because I think he's the only male contestant whose testicles you didn't mention in this post

  2. Testicled or not, I'm guessing his pubic mane is unstoppable.