Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Conversations With Someone Else: A Bubbly Bride Talks About Reality Wedding Shows

These two people are not mentioned once in this post.
Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, in which I exchange emails with a famous celebrity anyone I can find to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is reality star some lady who appeared on a couple of reality shows, Annie F'ing Leib. Annie was featured on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? and was later on an episode of the New Newlywed Game.  She and her loving husband finished in last place.

Evan: Annie, I'm sure our reader(s) would like to know just how someone gets to appear on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?  I imagine there's some sort of interview process where they see how well you can verbally abuse your husband, boss people around and eventually have an emotional breakdown.

Annie: It's just called The Newlywed Game.

Evan: Okay Bridezills, calm down.

Annie:  I was actually approached by my "day of" wedding planner.  She was asked by the Style Network if she knew any "bubbly" brides.  Gina Sole, my planner, suggested me.  Style then called me and I said of course we want to do it!  You then send in a tape of you and your husband saying how you met, why you want to be on, etc.  We did that and got chosen.  They film you 3 days before your wedding.  8 hours a day.  They go to appointments with you and film everything up to your wedding/ceremony.

Evan: All right, I just read your last email but honestly couldn't concentrate because I just put the heat on in our house for the first time this year and it is now SIZZLING in here! If I know your husband (who is one of the hairiest people I've ever met), there's no way that you have the heat on yet at your place. Then again, you run that house with an iron fist.

What the freak is a "day of" wedding planner?!?! Should I know what this is? I mean, I can gather that it's a person who helps out on the day of the wedding, but how is that different than a "not day of" wedding planner? Does the "not day of" wedding planner just bail on the actual wedding? Or was your "not day of" wedding planner also getting married on that day and couldn't make it to your wedding? Whose wedding is this anyway?!?! 

Okay, okay, it's just called The Newlywed Game.
Annie:  On the contrary, I'm relatively hairless and I too like the heat off.  But, we do have a baby, so we meet Sam halfway and give him a personal heater.  I disagree about the hair and my husband.  Have you seen his head?  He also does not have extra orangutan-like hairy arms and legs.  Just regular.  He has great sexy chest hair though.

A "day of" wedding planner is not something a dude would ever know about.  It is perfect for someone who has a lot of family help while planning the wedding ... I.E. my mom and stepmom pretty much planned my whole shindig.  But on the day of my wedding, a wedding that both moms were in, they didn't want the stress of remembering little things like programs, Kiddush cups, or the order of our processional.  My "day of" was also my "dresser" - someone else you have to hire and pay for - she helped me into my gown, buttoned me up, made sure my boobs were perfect, fixed my lipgloss, then bustled my gown and veil after my ceremony and before my cocktail hour.  Whose Wedding is it Anyway? really focuses on the planners if you've ever watched it.  It brings them business.

Evan: "If you've ever watched it"?!? Are you insinuating that I've never seen the show? You do realize you're exchanging emails with a guy who has a blog called TV MY WIFE WATCHES?!?!

For the record, yes, I have seen the show (once); the episode you were on. My fiancee is currently into Say Yes To The Wedding Dress and plans to possibly wear two dresses at our wedding. I hope she is not planning on hiring two dressers. If she is, then I think I am entitled to hire at least one orangutan to wrestle your husband.

Obviously, reality shows thrive on conflict and drama and drunk hook-ups and people who don't pay their parking tickets; did you find that the producers tried to instigate any beef between your two mothers? Did they hide the Kiddush cups on purpose? Seriously, do you think your husband could beat my orangutan in a fight? We can make this happen.

Like most rapists, Felix looks VERY unassuming.
Annie: I'm pretty sure it's called Say Yes to the Dress.  Well, if you watched the show as you claim to have done, you'd know that they focused a bit on the past drama with my parents but didn't focus on it.  They more made it about how everyone is friends now.  What they did do though, to create a "hook" so to speak, was say I missed an appointment.  I think the voiceover says, "When Annie cancels at the very last minute, Gina has to go on her appointments for her."  Then they show my florist and Gina picking out my flowers, my table linens, and deciding which linens to use where.  What you don't know is that 1) I didn't cancel last minute, I never had an appointment ONE day before my wedding 2) the flowers and table linens they were touching and choosing were MY actual flowers and table linens.  Do you think any wedding planner, as good as she may be, would be choosing my flowers, centerpieces, table linens, etc?  I think not. But, as I said before, they focus on the planner and it looked like Gina saved the day.  Wow, I'm sure glad we had the same taste!  the EXACT same taste!!

Evan: So I take it you are conceding that my orangutan could destroy your husband. Good, because he'd have no shot. I'm actually a little insulted that your husband even thought about squaring off against Felix. And even though they're mostly docile animals, check out what I found about orangutans on Wikipedia:

Male orangutans have been known to rape human women. The cook of noted primatologist Birute Galdikas was raped by an orangutan. Actress Julia Roberts had an orangutan try to have sex with her, and was saved by a film crew.  

Also, yes, I would think that a wedding planner would be choosing your flowers, centerpieces and table linens. Isn't that what wedding planners do? I mean, if they're not doing that, then what are they doing? I mean, besides dressing a human and not showing up for the actual wedding.

Look, let's get to The (new) Newlywed Game because that's really what's been on everyone's mind. Bob Eubanks, how cool is he in real life? And did he tell you the story of how he once had to pry an orangutan off of Vanessa Redgrave? 

Bananas!
Annie: You mean an orangutan would have no shot against my huz, right?  Have you ever seen Abu's guns?

I don't really get the whole Julia Roberts phenomenon.  I mean, she's a bit androgynous.  Maybe in Pretty Woman she was hot, but the whole America's sweetheart thing?  You stole your husband from another woman ... so as far as I'm concerned you're a home-wrecking whore. Ever see her interviewed?  The most self impressed woman alive.

Let's back up.  I said she was my "day of" planner.  I guess regular planners guide you during your choices ... help you remember the little things ... make appointments with vendors, etc.  I didn't need that.  I wanted a dresser, and someone to remember little stuff on the DAY OF my wedding like to make sure the flower girl walked down the aisle before I did and to make sure you didn't trip or fart during the ceremony. Did she actually plug your butt?

As far as The Newlywed Game.  Lamest show ever.  I'm pretty sure Bob Eubanks is dead. Ours was hosted by Carnie Wilson.  The most terrible host of all time.  The questions were terrible, we were terrible (except we did look good :) and yes, we finished last.  My dad called me after the show aired to ask if my marriage was in trouble.  They cut out funny stuff I said too.  However, I met a couple while filming and have become extremely close with the wife - we now have kids a month apart.  One of the coolest girls I ever met. So there's that part of it.  We lost a trip to St. Lucia.  The couple we met, won.  Got 'em all right.  They won a trip to Florida.  ha.

The Redgraves are a very talented family.

Annie and her huz apparently got married in a swamp.
Evan: I can't believe how many things I disagree with you about.

First of all, Julia Roberts is beautiful. She's not that hot, she's not that sexy (although when she showed cleave in Erin Brocks it was pretty amazing), but she's got a nice smile and clean hair. I totally get it. Also, I have no problem with her getting with a married man. People do this all the time, not just Hollywood big shots. I mean for God's sake, look at the orangutans.

So regular wedding planners help you remember the little things before the wedding (making appointments, etc.) whereas "day of" wedding planners help your mothers remember the little things at the wedding (like Kiddush cups and making sure groomsmen don't trip)? That really doesn't seem like a lot of responsibility, plus that lady had NO CONTROL of my ability to walk down an aisle. I would argue that a groomsman has MUCH MORE responsibility than any wedding planner: staying awake, not cracking jokes, making eyes at people, wearing pants, carrying 37 things in your pocket that your wife or girlfriend has asked you to hold on to: Chapstick, phone, camera, glasses case, ID and credit card ("just in case"), Kiddush cups, valet ticket, numerous shampoos and lotions from the hotel room, commemorative yarmulkes, plus 16 other yarmulkes from previous weddings / Bar Mitzvahs.

Poor Carnie Wilson; she'll always be known as "The Fat One" regardless of how clean she keeps her hair.

Any final thoughts before we shut this down Annie? Tips to give women out there who dream of becoming reality TV stars and/or wedding planners? Shout outs?

Annie: I guess we will just have to agree to disagree, as always, Monner.  We just don't see eye to eye on this.  Partly because you're a moron, I'm always right, and you ALWAYS make arguments JUST to argue. How Monnerish of you.

I guess I can teach you about wedding planning til I'm blue in the face and you won't get it. That's a lot to have in your pockets.  THAT'S what that was that I saw down there in my wedding video.  Now it's all coming together.

My advice - reality TV is stupid but it's fun to be on TV.  Don't take it too seriously and never expect to be treated with any respect.

And Carnie is TERRIBLE.  She talked my husband out of all of his damn answers and I didn't get to go to St. Lucia.  Has nothing to do with having no idea what the other one is thinking or doing.  We DO TOO know each other.  We are SO in love.  No show is gonna tell me different!!!

Oh, and one of the reasons I love my husband is because of all his clean hair.

Evan: Annie's husband aka Captain Chrome Dome:

Hook 'em.

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  1. Who wears suspenders? Seriously.

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  3. Annie's huz was actually wearing suspenders and a bra.

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  4. an orangutan once bit my sister...

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  5. I think it was a moose that bit your sister ... while she was carving her initials in the moose ...

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