Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Taking Candy From a Caveman is Much Easier Than Watching Football With a Baby

Eagles + baby = this blogpost.
It is scientifically proven that there was nothing more distracting to Neanderthals than fire. A roaring flame would cause cavemen to grunt, laugh and later evolve into ten-year-old Jewish kids who freaked out during Channukah. Soon after, during Freud's Latency Stage, fire would be replaced by "the thong" which perfectly displays a glimpse of dueling butt cheeks that have caused numerous college students to flunk out of state schools and eventually led to the invention of Red Bull. Finally, at the end of human's joyless lives (The Thirtysomething Stage), adults replace fire and thongs with "the baby," without a doubt the most distracting element in human civilization. The baby, with its adorable giggles, chubby knees and overall wonderment of life make television watching near impossible when they are present in the same room.   

It should also be noted that there is a brewing debate among psychologists that a fourth stage of development, The Bonkers Stage, could occur if in fact a human happens to witness a baby wearing a thong who also happens to be on fire. Only one of these such occurrences has ever been documented, by the late Dr. Gorville Harlanstam of the University of Phoenix whose fucking brain exploded when he experimented with The Bonkers Stage in his laboratory (basement ... mother's basement). 

The most depressed people ever. Also, how about that lion-dude on the far right?
This past Sundee, my wife and I got together with our friends Annie and Abu and their one-year-old son, Sam to watch the Beagles of Philadelphia play the Bears of Chicago and I can honestly say that in three hours of being there, I probably saw maybe ten plays of actual game action. It's not that Sam or babies in general are loud or annoying or anything, it's actually the complete opposite; they're just incredibly captivating and will shove anything in their mouths including, but not limited to a dog's foot (as Abu's dog Franklin quickly found out).

As the game began, Sam (whose mom, Annie, prefers him to be called "Sammy," although I like to go with "Samuel Gompers," a moniker that she is NOT happy about) was walking around and constantly falling over, a sight that should be witnessed by anyone who also enjoys watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Mr. Gompers was walking around in front of their coffee table and every time he took two steps and collapsed onto the floor, he would disappear, only to sprout right back up in a completely different direction than he was facing seconds before. It was fascinating, he'd be walking for a few steps towards the dining room and than BLAM! onto the floor ... and then back up and heading 90 degrees in another direction and then BLAM! onto the floor again and right back up walking towards his giant stuffed blue bear, Theodore. I'm pretty sure at this time Jay Cutler threw around five touchdowns to Johnny Knox, but I honestly have no idea because Theodore is so big and so blue and so furry.

Samuel Gompers spots a baby. Or possibly a thong.
As the Beagles went down early, Annie got Gomps ready for dinner time which consisted of blackberries, cantaloupe and turkey, an amazing combination that could only be thought of by a baby or a late 19th century American labor union leader. While Michael Vick took a timeout as the playclock wound down, I headed to the kitchen for a water-break, only to find Annie bossing me around, giving me orders to deliver Samuel his second course of the evening, little pumpernickel crackers with cream cheese on 'em. They looked delicious, but to be honest, I thought Annie could've added a little more TLC into the preparation as the cream cheese looked to be dumped on with an ice cream scoop. I decided to keep my mouth shut though (for the first time EVER in my life) because Annie happens to be a very good mom; she shows her child plenty of attention and affection and cleans up like a crazy person, and I figured that maybe Mr. Gomples preferred his crackers completely drenched. 

Seconds later, Abu hollered for us all to hurry back to the living room, because we "have to see this!" I figured Michael Vick had launched a 70 yard bomb to Desean Jax, but no, Sammy had just completely smeared himself with cream cheese, a sight so ridiculously hilarious that it caused us all to hover over him in his highchair as if he had fallen down a well. At this point, Michael Vick could have thrown a football through a guy's facemask, causing the field to be splattered in blood and brains and pigskin and I honestly would not have noticed because this baby's face was so damn mesmerizing. Gomps got scared and started to cry, possibly because he had four humans towering over him or possibly because having cream cheese slathered all over your face is extremely uncomfortable, a feeling I know all too well.

Captain Caveman DEFINITELY spots a thong.
Throughout the rest of the game, I saw the occasional Shady McCoy scamper and witnessed the ridiculous Brent Celek TD catch, but was mostly focused on getting Captain Gomplestein to laugh as I took his toy rolling pin and pretended to shave my neck with it. Later, Gomps and my wife shared a bagel together on the couch, an image so damn cute that there's a good chance her Ortho Tri-Cyclen was later flushed down our toilet.

All in all, a fine Sundee afternoon of football baby watching.

And I now totally understand why Abu's fantasy football team is in last place.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Stuff I Watch: A Dude Doing Some Absolutely Bonkers Bike Tricks

Normally I do not support any thrill-seeking activities such as mountain climbing, turkey carving or staying up past 10:30 on a weeknight, but this video is absolutely bonkers. Way Back Home is essentially a film of a dude (Danny MacAskill) riding his bike around Scotland and doing ridiculous tricks like launching himself off of castles and not breaking his neck. It also has some beautiful cinematography and nice music and is best paired with a cup of Earl Grey and a cranberry scone.

For the record, I actually think scones are VERY underrated.

RIP Leslie Nielsen

Care for a night cap? No thanks, I don't wear them.
Lost a legend yesterday as Leslie Nielsen, star of The Naked Gun and Airplane passed away at the age of 84.

"Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi Koated Nights Is OUT OF CONTROL

Not pictured: Mr. Luscious's sock.
Just a quick blurb about tonight's episode of Real Freaky Ladies of Atlanta aka The Greatest Show Since NBA Jam Session with Ahmad Rashad and Willow Bay (with a full recap coming later this week):

When will this guy make a cameo?
Kandi's internet show is absolutely bonkers and I love the way she talks out of the side of her mouth like Shaq. Also, I am liking Kim more and more each week, especially now that we found out she had a lesbian relationship with some chick named Tracy (Chapman?).

Mr. Luscious? He needs to become a professional wrestler.

Nene's relationship with Greyyyyyyyyygggggg is really in a bad place. Seemed like for a second there they were going to patch things up, but now I wouldn't be surprised to see her linked with Zaza Pachulia just to spite Greyyyygggggg.

DWTS: Finale - Part Dos (A Week Late and A Week After People Have Already Forgotten About This Show and Jennifer Grey)

Did their son just get Bar Mitzvahed?
Ten weeks ago, when Jennifer Grey first appeared on Dancing With the Stizzies, she seemed to have the self confidence of a llama. Now, after winning the competition, she has raised her self-esteem to that of a slightly-less-hopeless llama (AND got to take home a shiny trophy). Jennifer now knows that she is better at dancing than eleven other celebrities that aren't really celebrities, except for one sort-of celebrity who is actually a better dancer than her, but did not receive enough votes from a country full of idiots who almost elected an insane (but very sexy) former Vice Presidential candidate.

If you devote ten weeks of your life to anything, you should get results. If you work out for ten weeks, you should become more fit. If you practice doing The Robot, you should get more chicks. For me, after joining my wife on the couch for the last ten Mondays, I now refer to the Pasodoble as the "Paso." I also have about four or five friends who have lost their last iotas of respect for me even though I could've sworn this happened about twelve years ago when I admitted to them that I thoroughly enjoy wearing long underwear. Also, I have a new-found respect for Tom Bergeron and have vaulted him to the status of The Second Funniest Person In Showbiz behind Pat Sajak. To be quite honest, I find Sajak absolutely hilarious and have no idea why his talk show was not a smashing success.

Who else went through transformations? Well I'm glad you asked!  

And why am I talking to myself? No one asked anything. I asked myself that stupid question and only because I couldn't think of a transition to my next paragraph. Also, I'm not even sure why I'm still typing right now. Just get on with it. There I go talking to myself again. Please punch me square in the eyeballs.

Alfred E. Neuman Jr.
Kyle: You gotta think that Kyle'll be able to parlay his success from the show into SOMETHING. I'm thinking he'll get a gig on Entertainment Tonight or Extra or whatever show most resembles a half-hour of people reporting about absolute dogshit. Oh who am I kidding? I know it's those two shows. I also know that TMZ has a show and can name at least four or five co-hosts on Good Morning America and The Today Show and know the names of both Regis and Kelly's fill-ins / spouses. I could see Kyle being the guy who does silly little segments while reporting on the set of Cagney and Lacey or something. I could also see him hosting Wheel of Fortune.

The Pistol: Along with displaying the ability to cause drunk dudes to blast-out their TV screens with a shotgun, I think Bristol took great strides towards developing a pulse. I look forward to seeing her disguised at a gypsy at Penn Station her next endeavor.

Brandy: If Brandy's manager, agent, person she hired once upon a time who planned on embezzling money from her has any brains whatsoever, he or she will have her in the studio recording an album IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. Brandy came into the show about as likable as Kashi Go Lean, but because she got screwed, America now sees her as a bowl of dry cereal with a few slices of bananas sprinkled in.  

What the freak am I talking about?!?! That last sentence made absolutely no sense. I gotta be honest, the only reason I'm writing anything right now is because I got more hits on this stupid blog than ever before this past week and just wanted to pounce on whatever glimmer of popularity that this Kashi Go Lean of a blog has right now by putting out a post before Monday morning. It's 9:33pm on Sunday night and all I want to do is watch Peyton Manning so expect this blog post to end SOON.

The ONLY acceptable way to eat Kashi Go Lean.
Maks and Derek: These two dudes have separated themselves from the rest of the pros and should be dating really really hot chicks very very soon. I heard from my buddy Danny who lives in LA Fitness that Maks and Erin Andrews broke up, which to be honest is probably a great move for him because even though she's hot, he can do much much better. Derek (who I think is straight) should also be taking lots of chicks to the boneyard although I imagine he'll end up with someone lame like Miley Cyrus. And for the record, I totally don't think that Miley Cyrus is lame. In fact I think she's kind of a smoke-dog and could very well end up the future Vice President of this glorious nation.

The Situation: Not sure what Sitch's next move will be. I've been seeing a lot of him recently peddling some energy drink on the sidebar of my Hotmail inbox. I also noticed that he graced the cover of Dude's Fitness Magazine, a publication notorious for encouraging steroid use. I'm thinking by 2016, Sitch's testicles will have shrunk to the size of Grape Nuts and he will be forced to wear long underwear in an attempt to make them seem normal sized slightly bigger / acceptable.

Margaret Cho, Michael Bolton and The Hoff: The only three "stars" with actual careers should be fine. Although I do worry for Hoff's testicles as well.

32 new martial arts training moves!
Foxy and Kurt Warner: Kurt is now doing color for Fox Sports as part of their lowest ranking team alongside Sam Rosen or Chris Rose or whatever schlub they're sending to broadcast the Carolina Panthers' games. At the very least, women will get excited when they show him in the booth. Foxy on the other hand proved that he's a little too Hollywood, as if his curly locks were not enough of a dead giveaway. It's a shame because he had such a blue-collar hoops game. I think I hate him.

Florence Henderson: I'm excited for her to live out her remaining years having sex with old dudes. Although I do worry for their testicles too.

Yep, it's time to end this.

Dancing With the Stizzies, I'll see you next season. 

Now I'm talking to a TV Show? That doesn't make ANY sense. It's a TV show. It can't hear me, understand me; it can't read a blog and there is NO REASON to be talking or writing or communicating with it. Also, Real Housewives of Atlanta is about to start. I'm out! 

And yes I'm aware that I left out Audrina. That lady was a snooze. 


Miley Cyrus though, definitely not a snooze. 



Tuesday, November 23, 2010

DWTS: Finale - Part Pizzeria Uno

Patrick, don't you love the smell of fresh scones?
I watched last night's finale at my parents' house with my mother, because they have DVR and I wasn't going to be home until 8:45 (and as I type this I'm realizing that there's no way for me to spin this to make watching Dancing With the Stars with your mother acceptable so I might as well just stop right now).

What made it ever worse was that my very masculine and possibly mob-affiliated cousin Teddy called my mother while I was over there to ask about Thanksgiving and she had to tell him that I was watching the show with her and not Monday Night Football with my very hairy father.

My dad sat down with me at the beginning of the show and asked, "You watch this?" which was really rude coming from a guy who not only watches Chelsea Lately but also KNOWS that I blog about it. When I reminded him of that, he told me "Oh yeah, you have to show me how to get to that website," a feat that will probably take three separate sit-downs at about a half an hour apiece. When learning at the computer, my father insists on sitting at the keyboard with the mouse in his hand clicking like a madman while I pull my hair out and insist I'm never doing this again.

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent are currently dating and I'm not kidding.
Anyway, apparently the DWTS Finale is TWO EPISODES LONG which shouldn't be that surprising considering DWTS always has episodes on Monday and Tuesday, but for some reason, I felt disrespected by Tom Bergeron for not knowing how the finale works. By the time I got to my parents' house at 8:45, my mother had already voted for Kyle the maximum of five times after being devastated that Brandy was sent home the previous week. The fact that my mother can operate a telephone AND a DVR remote was very impressive.

The show itself offered little surprises or excitement as the three judges visited the contestants during their rehearsals. It was nice to see Len teaching on the dance floor and even nicer to see Bruno in casual attire with his shirt unbuttoned a la Simon Cowell. My mother insists that CarrieAnnInaba (one word) is pregnant, despite the fact that her belly hasn't grown at all in the two months since my mother has made this claim. I did however find out that Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta is pregnant by that guy from the Atlanta Falcons that she met at Sheree's Sabra Dancing With the Stars of Atlanta charity event. If my cousin Teddy ever finds this site and reads that last sentence, he will shank me.

The real highlight of the show came during the freestyle performances when Kyle and Lacey Underalls did The Tootsie Roll, a song and dance peppered with nostalgia in my brain. At the Lower Merion High School Homecoming Dance in 1994, I tootsie-rolled with Kobe's 6'2" sister, Shaya Bryant, while her 6'9" boyfriend who would later play basketball at LaSalle towered over me. Shaya would later write in my yearbook that she would never forget that Tootsie Roll. She also wrote her entire me$$age with dollar $ign$ instead of S's like thi$, an act she may regret even more than the dance itself.

This kid has had every piece of Halloween candy that he's ever gotten stolen by another kid. Also, this might be a girl.
Following Kyle's Tootsie Roll, Len declared that he's "not a great fan of the bugaloo dancing" which HAD TO BE RACIST, but everyone laughed so I guess it was okay. Later, CarrieAnnInaba compared him to Emmitt Smith which was definitely racist.

The Pistol continued her improbable run by doing absolutely nothing worth blogging about while Jennifer Grey received nothing but perfect scores despite being the world's most annoying person. She even pulled out the Dirty Dancing card by performing a dance to some song from the movie, but not THE DANCE with Patrick Swayze because that song "belonged to me and Patrick."  Well Jennifer, it doesn't belong to you guys anymore because Patrick is dead. 

Overall, it looks like my preseason prediction of Jennifer winning is coming to fruition. I expect a VERY DRAMATIC acceptance speech tonight that will probably include her weeping and could possibly provide a few more headlines tomorrow of people shooting out their televisions.

If The Pistol wins, you'll need to hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife ...

And hide-your-husbands-cause-they're-raping-e'erybody-out-here.


Friday, November 19, 2010

TV My Wife Watches Winter Preview

You're telling me you wouldn't watch this show?
After Monday night when Bristol Palin is crowned the first Dancing With the Stars champion without actually being a dancer, a star, or a living, breathing human, my wife and I will have some open slots in our TV watching shedrool. Of course, I would love to fill those gaps with college basketball, Iron Chef reruns and more college basketball, but I'd also like to stay married and continue my life as a living, breathing human.

I don't know what we'll watch; and would love your suggestions as to any shows to put into our rotation that you'd like me to blog about (or any feedback whatsoever to show me that more than my mother and three people in Denmark read this thing).

There are however some big-time shows coming back in January that I'll have to take into consideration when making my schedule for grad school classes. Let's take a look at some of those shows and things to come in the world of TV My Wife Watches.

American Idol - January 12th, 2011 - As annoying as Kara DioGuardi was, I am going to miss her over-the-top desperate flirting with Simon and every male contestant below the age of 37. Kara being in the spotlight always carried with it the chance that a sex-tape of her getting quadruple-teamed could surface at any moment. Jennifer Lopez seems much more reserved, but does have a track record of blowing people's minds with her butt, breasts and horrific fashion sense.

Who knows what Steven Tyler will bring? (who has also been known to blow people's minds with his butt). Part of me thinks he'll be annoying in his "I'm a rock star, I do this," sort of way, but then again, he is a legit rock star and could bring an interesting perspective to the show. Also, he has the potential to bang both J-Lo and Seacrest, which is nice.  

Just putting my left hand back here for balance, that's all.
Also, I think we forget just how friggin hot J-Lo was back in the day. There was a time when I considered her to be the absolute hottest chick ever. Granted, I also anointed a different girl with this title during every single day at Hebrew school, but you get what I'm saying.

Here is a timeline of the hottest chicks in the world during my lifetime (born in 1977):

1983 - Christie Brinkley - the first woman to entice a boner out of me. You never forget your first.

Helmet necessary? No ......... Gloves? Well, that's another story.

1988 - Elle Macpherson - the only thing better than getting Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue as an 11 year old was ordering pizza and watching Saturday Night's Main Event. You could also make a case for Macho Man Savage's manager, Elizabeth as deserving this honor.  

Hello bone'ski!
1991 - Various Different Women from Penthouse Magazine - My cousin Lee kept a pile of 1970's era Penthouses underneath his bed and I absolutely ransacked his collection during my early teenage years. It is truly amazing how breasts have become infinitely less pointy in the past 30 years.

1992 - Vanessa Williams - She also appeared in Penthouse.

Hello limp'ski!
1993 - 1998 - Any Girl Who Showed Me Any Kind of Attention (and there were very very few).

1999 - Mariah Carey - nothing incites anger out of women more than hearing that dudes think Mariah is hot. Ladies, for the record, MARIAH IS BANGING!

Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just laying down on these gigantic boxes.
2001 - J-Lo

Just sitting in the world's most uncomfortable position, that's all!
Present - Christina Hendricks, Kim Kardash, Megan Fox, the chick from Modern Family and my wife. - Also, the occasional woman waiting on the corner for a bus. 
 
Shoot me in the face!
Big Love - January 16th, 2011 - I'm actually not that big of a fan of this show, but my wife loves it. It's okay I guess; I liked that dude Roman and how evil he was, but I think he's dead. Also, I like how his (ex)wife, Chloe Whatshername's mother is always trying to kill people.

Margene is funny enough, and Chloe Whatshername's character is insane, so yeah, maybe I do like this show?

The Bachelor - January 3rd, 2011 - Look, if you're a fan of comedies like East Bound and Down, The Office and University of Michigan football, you will LOVE The Bachelor. Without a doubt, one of the funniest shows in the history of television. This year, ABC has selected a dude who was already the Bachelor a few years ago and refused to select either of his two final chicks. I'm so excited to watch him give women chlamydia.

To be honest, I actually think that The Bachelorette is the better of the two shows because watching a group of 20 dudes competing for a girl's attention is SO EMBARRASSING and HORRIBLE, but The Bachelor and his 20 HOT CHICKS can be VERY dramatic as well. Also, the last few bachelors have been absolute stiffs and produced some unbelievably riveting television. Jason dumped his fiancee on live television and minutes later professed his love for the girl he had dumped a month prior. Mr. Airplane guy telling Vienna to shut up was probably the most uncomfortable / amazing thirty minutes of my life since Christie Brinks popped my first boner.

Push-ups start tonight!
Live Chat - Also, for the season debut of The Bach on January 3rd, I am planning on having the first ever TV My Watches Live Chat on the site. Granted, I have no idea how to do this, but I plan to make it happen. Keep in mind however that this is coming from the guy who also planned to write a screenplay this year, clean out the weeds in the backyard and start up a push-ups and sit-ups routine before going to bed every night for the last fifteen years. Tonight's the night!

I also plan on incorporating a podcast on the site. I may also take my robe off sometime this week.

Any suggestions for shows that my wife and I should watch? Please put them in the comments section.

Any suggestions as to how I can once again learn to successfully pop a boner would also be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Conversations With Someone Else: A Bubbly Bride Talks About Reality Wedding Shows

These two people are not mentioned once in this post.
Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, in which I exchange emails with a famous celebrity anyone I can find to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is reality star some lady who appeared on a couple of reality shows, Annie F'ing Leib. Annie was featured on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? and was later on an episode of the New Newlywed Game.  She and her loving husband finished in last place.

Evan: Annie, I'm sure our reader(s) would like to know just how someone gets to appear on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?  I imagine there's some sort of interview process where they see how well you can verbally abuse your husband, boss people around and eventually have an emotional breakdown.

Annie: It's just called The Newlywed Game.

Evan: Okay Bridezills, calm down.

Annie:  I was actually approached by my "day of" wedding planner.  She was asked by the Style Network if she knew any "bubbly" brides.  Gina Sole, my planner, suggested me.  Style then called me and I said of course we want to do it!  You then send in a tape of you and your husband saying how you met, why you want to be on, etc.  We did that and got chosen.  They film you 3 days before your wedding.  8 hours a day.  They go to appointments with you and film everything up to your wedding/ceremony.

Evan: All right, I just read your last email but honestly couldn't concentrate because I just put the heat on in our house for the first time this year and it is now SIZZLING in here! If I know your husband (who is one of the hairiest people I've ever met), there's no way that you have the heat on yet at your place. Then again, you run that house with an iron fist.

What the freak is a "day of" wedding planner?!?! Should I know what this is? I mean, I can gather that it's a person who helps out on the day of the wedding, but how is that different than a "not day of" wedding planner? Does the "not day of" wedding planner just bail on the actual wedding? Or was your "not day of" wedding planner also getting married on that day and couldn't make it to your wedding? Whose wedding is this anyway?!?! 

Okay, okay, it's just called The Newlywed Game.
Annie:  On the contrary, I'm relatively hairless and I too like the heat off.  But, we do have a baby, so we meet Sam halfway and give him a personal heater.  I disagree about the hair and my husband.  Have you seen his head?  He also does not have extra orangutan-like hairy arms and legs.  Just regular.  He has great sexy chest hair though.

A "day of" wedding planner is not something a dude would ever know about.  It is perfect for someone who has a lot of family help while planning the wedding ... I.E. my mom and stepmom pretty much planned my whole shindig.  But on the day of my wedding, a wedding that both moms were in, they didn't want the stress of remembering little things like programs, Kiddush cups, or the order of our processional.  My "day of" was also my "dresser" - someone else you have to hire and pay for - she helped me into my gown, buttoned me up, made sure my boobs were perfect, fixed my lipgloss, then bustled my gown and veil after my ceremony and before my cocktail hour.  Whose Wedding is it Anyway? really focuses on the planners if you've ever watched it.  It brings them business.

Evan: "If you've ever watched it"?!? Are you insinuating that I've never seen the show? You do realize you're exchanging emails with a guy who has a blog called TV MY WIFE WATCHES?!?!

For the record, yes, I have seen the show (once); the episode you were on. My fiancee is currently into Say Yes To The Wedding Dress and plans to possibly wear two dresses at our wedding. I hope she is not planning on hiring two dressers. If she is, then I think I am entitled to hire at least one orangutan to wrestle your husband.

Obviously, reality shows thrive on conflict and drama and drunk hook-ups and people who don't pay their parking tickets; did you find that the producers tried to instigate any beef between your two mothers? Did they hide the Kiddush cups on purpose? Seriously, do you think your husband could beat my orangutan in a fight? We can make this happen.

Like most rapists, Felix looks VERY unassuming.
Annie: I'm pretty sure it's called Say Yes to the Dress.  Well, if you watched the show as you claim to have done, you'd know that they focused a bit on the past drama with my parents but didn't focus on it.  They more made it about how everyone is friends now.  What they did do though, to create a "hook" so to speak, was say I missed an appointment.  I think the voiceover says, "When Annie cancels at the very last minute, Gina has to go on her appointments for her."  Then they show my florist and Gina picking out my flowers, my table linens, and deciding which linens to use where.  What you don't know is that 1) I didn't cancel last minute, I never had an appointment ONE day before my wedding 2) the flowers and table linens they were touching and choosing were MY actual flowers and table linens.  Do you think any wedding planner, as good as she may be, would be choosing my flowers, centerpieces, table linens, etc?  I think not. But, as I said before, they focus on the planner and it looked like Gina saved the day.  Wow, I'm sure glad we had the same taste!  the EXACT same taste!!

Evan: So I take it you are conceding that my orangutan could destroy your husband. Good, because he'd have no shot. I'm actually a little insulted that your husband even thought about squaring off against Felix. And even though they're mostly docile animals, check out what I found about orangutans on Wikipedia:

Male orangutans have been known to rape human women. The cook of noted primatologist Birute Galdikas was raped by an orangutan. Actress Julia Roberts had an orangutan try to have sex with her, and was saved by a film crew.  

Also, yes, I would think that a wedding planner would be choosing your flowers, centerpieces and table linens. Isn't that what wedding planners do? I mean, if they're not doing that, then what are they doing? I mean, besides dressing a human and not showing up for the actual wedding.

Look, let's get to The (new) Newlywed Game because that's really what's been on everyone's mind. Bob Eubanks, how cool is he in real life? And did he tell you the story of how he once had to pry an orangutan off of Vanessa Redgrave? 

Bananas!
Annie: You mean an orangutan would have no shot against my huz, right?  Have you ever seen Abu's guns?

I don't really get the whole Julia Roberts phenomenon.  I mean, she's a bit androgynous.  Maybe in Pretty Woman she was hot, but the whole America's sweetheart thing?  You stole your husband from another woman ... so as far as I'm concerned you're a home-wrecking whore. Ever see her interviewed?  The most self impressed woman alive.

Let's back up.  I said she was my "day of" planner.  I guess regular planners guide you during your choices ... help you remember the little things ... make appointments with vendors, etc.  I didn't need that.  I wanted a dresser, and someone to remember little stuff on the DAY OF my wedding like to make sure the flower girl walked down the aisle before I did and to make sure you didn't trip or fart during the ceremony. Did she actually plug your butt?

As far as The Newlywed Game.  Lamest show ever.  I'm pretty sure Bob Eubanks is dead. Ours was hosted by Carnie Wilson.  The most terrible host of all time.  The questions were terrible, we were terrible (except we did look good :) and yes, we finished last.  My dad called me after the show aired to ask if my marriage was in trouble.  They cut out funny stuff I said too.  However, I met a couple while filming and have become extremely close with the wife - we now have kids a month apart.  One of the coolest girls I ever met. So there's that part of it.  We lost a trip to St. Lucia.  The couple we met, won.  Got 'em all right.  They won a trip to Florida.  ha.

The Redgraves are a very talented family.

Annie and her huz apparently got married in a swamp.
Evan: I can't believe how many things I disagree with you about.

First of all, Julia Roberts is beautiful. She's not that hot, she's not that sexy (although when she showed cleave in Erin Brocks it was pretty amazing), but she's got a nice smile and clean hair. I totally get it. Also, I have no problem with her getting with a married man. People do this all the time, not just Hollywood big shots. I mean for God's sake, look at the orangutans.

So regular wedding planners help you remember the little things before the wedding (making appointments, etc.) whereas "day of" wedding planners help your mothers remember the little things at the wedding (like Kiddush cups and making sure groomsmen don't trip)? That really doesn't seem like a lot of responsibility, plus that lady had NO CONTROL of my ability to walk down an aisle. I would argue that a groomsman has MUCH MORE responsibility than any wedding planner: staying awake, not cracking jokes, making eyes at people, wearing pants, carrying 37 things in your pocket that your wife or girlfriend has asked you to hold on to: Chapstick, phone, camera, glasses case, ID and credit card ("just in case"), Kiddush cups, valet ticket, numerous shampoos and lotions from the hotel room, commemorative yarmulkes, plus 16 other yarmulkes from previous weddings / Bar Mitzvahs.

Poor Carnie Wilson; she'll always be known as "The Fat One" regardless of how clean she keeps her hair.

Any final thoughts before we shut this down Annie? Tips to give women out there who dream of becoming reality TV stars and/or wedding planners? Shout outs?

Annie: I guess we will just have to agree to disagree, as always, Monner.  We just don't see eye to eye on this.  Partly because you're a moron, I'm always right, and you ALWAYS make arguments JUST to argue. How Monnerish of you.

I guess I can teach you about wedding planning til I'm blue in the face and you won't get it. That's a lot to have in your pockets.  THAT'S what that was that I saw down there in my wedding video.  Now it's all coming together.

My advice - reality TV is stupid but it's fun to be on TV.  Don't take it too seriously and never expect to be treated with any respect.

And Carnie is TERRIBLE.  She talked my husband out of all of his damn answers and I didn't get to go to St. Lucia.  Has nothing to do with having no idea what the other one is thinking or doing.  We DO TOO know each other.  We are SO in love.  No show is gonna tell me different!!!

Oh, and one of the reasons I love my husband is because of all his clean hair.

Evan: Annie's husband aka Captain Chrome Dome:

Hook 'em.

DWTS: Week 9 - See Ya Brandy (and Maks)!

Brandy demonstrates how to properly operate a 1998 Honda Accord.
Before I discuss the calamity of Brandy and Maks getting voted off, let's take a look back at Monday night's show to see how it all transpired. It was down to the Final Four: Brandy, Jennifer Grey, Bristol the Pistol and Kyle, who is probably going to play so many video games once this show is over.

The show kicked off with Brandy divulging how nervous she was of getting kicked off. She talked about Jennifer's Dirty Dancing legacy, Kyle's lovable personality and how The Pistol's mom has such smooth and buttery legs for a woman who seems to live such an outdoor lifestyle. Well, she didn't exactly say that, but I have a hard time paying attention when people talk for more than eight seconds. I also have a hard time watching Dancing With the Stars when the Eagles are playing the Redskins, but I love my wife, value our relationship and she promised she'd click over to the game once it started. She also promised she would leave me if Maks ever came into her life.

Sarah Palin as Miss Wasilla 1984. Could she have also won Miss Ocean City? 
Jennifer was next and I quickly realized that we (Jennifer and I) have gotten to the point in our relationship where everything that she says and does is annoying. It's truly a shame because despite her emotional breakdowns and manufactured face, she was Ferris Bueller's sister. Now, I know that her character in that movie was kind of a drip, but she was still kind of cool and nothing like this lunatic woman that she has become. Following her dance number that received ALL TENS, Brooke Burke asked her the incredibly insightful question, "How does that feel?" Great question Brooke, do you mean, how does that feel that I got all 10's or how does it feel to have to answer this same dumb question twice a night every single week from you and your boob job that I must say is MUCH better than mine? Brooke then told the audience that we have to vote, because the dancers' futures are in our hands, to which my wife replied by saying, "Brooke, if you tell me what to fucking do one more time ..."

And that my friends is the first F bomb dropped on TV My Wife Watches ... it only took 49 blog posts, but the seal has been broken. Very fitting that it was my gutter-mouthed wife to break the ice. Now I am so excited to finally be able to quote NWA and my mother.

Also, this brings me to reason #337 why I have no idea how to survive in a relationship: my wife doesn't like being told what to do. In my bachelor days when I was dating anything that moved (and yes, I would've also dated women who couldn't move, like chicks in wheelchairs, lazy chicks and very very old women), I found that girls LOVED being told what to do. Not in the whole, degenerate Italian South Philly "get me a sandwich" kind of way, but in the whole "this is what we're going to do tonight, this is where we're eating and this is what you're going to wear in the bedroom and yes it is jungle themed and yes you have to call me King Kong or possibly King Dong or if I'm in an even more aggressive dictator-type mood, Kim Dong-Il."

I would even ask them out on a date in a more suggestive way. For example, instead of saying:

"Hey, um, I was wondering if you were busy on Thursday night? And wanted to maybe go out with me ... ?"

I would say:

"Hey, I'm going to a comedy club on Thursday night. It's gonna be great, you should come with me."

And they would always be thinking, "Yeah, it will be great. I should go with him. Even though he honestly looks and acts exactly like Woody Allen." Unless of course they could see through my smokescreens and were opposed to dressing up like jungle women in the bedroom. But in that case, who would want to be with them anyway?

The point is, MY WIFE DOES NOT LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. If she's eating a sandwich and there's a tiger on her left that's about to eat her hand off, I can't tell her, "Hey Darrie, you should hold the sandwich in your right hand because there's a tiger on your left and he's about to eat your hand off," she'll just say, "Don't tell me what to do," and dangle the sandwich in her left hand a la Sandy Koufax.

Anyway, my wife was not going to be voting on Monday night.

These guys know what I'm talking about!
Bristol was interviewed next and while Brandy made sure to say nice things about all of her fellow competitors, The Pistol threw out this bomb, "I think people like me because I'm not fake, like the typical Hollywood star." Well Pistol, you make a nice point and it's even better that you're trying to keep it real, but people like you because you grew up in a twisted household with an insane mother who despite all of her faults would probably look GREAT in a leopard print bodysuit.

And now for a way way way too serious tangent about actual dancing:

I think Mark Ballas really really really wants The Pistol to break out of her shell and do well in this competition, which is very ambitious of him considering how difficult it is to dance with a partner who is actually in a coma. In doing this though, Mark's dancing is way over the top with ridiculous facial expressions and Sandy Koufax arm dangles. I understand that he is doing everything in his power to entice some sort of emotion out of his zombie partner, but the result is that he unfortunately shows her up. He needs to get some tips from that Levi fella as to how to get The Pistol to unleash the beast. All that being said, The Pistol had her most vibrant routine on Monday night and proved to have more life in her than Albert Haynesworth.

I know what you're thinking: did Charlie Sheen give that couch gonorrhea?
Speaking of a chubby black dude, Kyle is certainly peaking at the right time and is now the sentimental favorite to take home the title. Plus, you gotta love that his partner does not have the slim legs and perfect body of most dance professionals or Republican Vice Presidential candidates. I'm not saying she's big, because she's not, she's toned and beautiful, but you gotta admit that her legs are legitimately thicker than those of her peers. And I love that she puts it all out there. I also think Kirstie Alley is doing just fine in this world and support her in all of her future endeavors.

I only sort of watched the second half of the show while Michael Vick was going bonkers, but did find out that both Brandy AND Jennifer killed people in car accidents? Also, how many people's brains exploded while they were driving home and listening to the Eagles game on the radio and also got into car accidents? As an Eagles fan, I almost wanted to drive my car into a tree just to celebrate. THAT WAS AMAZING.

I sort of really love this guy too.
It's a shame that Tom Bergeron had to ruin everyone's fun when he announced at 9:58 Eastern Standard Time last night that Brandy had been voted off. Up until that time, it had been a wonderful day; Prince William got engaged, the Cowboys were still in last place and I ate three donuts in a row and then boom! the biggest travesty in the history of western civilization.

Brandy was without a doubt the best dancer on that show and did not deserve to go home. I'm not even sure who I'm mad at. Initially, it was the Republicans, but I can't hate on them for being so passionate and active when it comes to voting. I wanted to be mad at Andy Reid, but that guy is a boss. I guess I'm just angry at the show itself, for sucking me in and making me actually care about pseudo-celebrities and their quest to regain some ounce of fame and popularity in this cruel, judgmental, non-jungle-undergarment-wearing-accepting world. I used to just flip to this show, smile a little bit and make fun of stuff. Now, I'm genuinely invested, write a blog and my wife would SERIOUSLY leave me for Maksim Chmerkoskiy. I guess I feel for Brandy, but I really feel sorry for my wife who will no longer get to see Maks and his Russian borscht butt.

I guess we'll have to switch up the theme this week from Tarzan and Jane to Tchaikovsy's Nutcracker.

I'll let you guess who gets to be the Sugar Plum Fairy and who gets to be the Nutcracker.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Real Dudes of New Jerz, New York and the A.T.L.

Never trust a man with an Adam's Apple the size of Trenton.
Like most women who show cleavage, Bravo's Housewives are always hogging the limelight. It's time we show some attention to the people who drool over those breasts, the fellas. I have broken these dudes into four categories: those that are insane, those who deserve their own show, those that are idiots and those that are relatively sane and somewhat likable. Let's take a look at the Real Dudes of New Jersey, New York and Atlanta, starting with New Jersey, America's trashland.

New Jerooz - the Armpit of America


Absolutely Insane 
Danielle, stay here and show off your perfect butt while I karate chop that guy in the neck.
Danny - the sweatpants-loving "friend" of Danielle Staub's
Everybody's favorite ex-con may be the only person who likes sweatpants more than I do. I'm not even sure if I've ever seen Danny in sweatpants, but I imagine he always wears them along with all-white high tops and sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off. My most vivid memory of Danny was when Danielle gave him VIP access to her pole dancing demonstration ("engage and suggest") and he sat there nodding and biting his lower lip like a member of Jodeci. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tucked a cloth napkin into his shirt and pulled out a knife and fork while he watched. I apologize to any women who may have just barfed all over themselves. Also, Danny, if you're reading this, please don't kill me.

Needs His Own Show
I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?
Captain Caveman - aka Teresa's husband, Joe
Teresa's husband is an absolute cro-magnon man and could climb out of debt if he only starred in his own spin-off. We could follow Joe around as he tried to handle day-to-day tasks such as holding a pencil or conversing with a human. I am looking forward to the day when a Page Six reporter breaks the story that Joe is the father of Ronnie from Jersey Shore. I would also like to apologize to the real Captain Caveman for comparing such a dickhead to a comedic legend.


Complete Idiot

And you wanna be my latex salesman?
Albie - Caroline's son 
Look, I think it's sweet that Caroline and her family fully support Albie in his quest to become a lawyer. And it's great that he tries so hard and is determined to achieve his goal, but this dude needs a new goal. I taught Middle School Special Ed for three years and told my kids that they could achieve anything if they put their mind to it, but I WAS LYING! There's no shame in having a learning disability, but there is shame in hiring an incompetent attorney. Albie, how about a more attainable goal, like selling grapefruits? I love grapefruits!

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
No idea what's going on here.
Derek - Jacqueline's daughter Ashley's boyfriend
Besides dating the absolute stupidest person in the world, Ashley's boyfriend actually seems to be somewhat wise, mature, conscious. Following her arrest and subsequent rant on Facebook, Ashley vented about how horrible her parents' advice was, but Derek sided with her folks and told her just how immature and ignorant she was acting. According to radaronline.com, Ashley recently tweeted that she and Derek have broken up. According to TV My Wife Watches, Derek is probably now playing video games with his friends and having the BEST TIME EVER.


New York - The City That Never Shuts Up

Absolutely Insane 
Here's looking at you, dude.
Kelly
This guy is out of his mind. He babbles incessantly, is constantly getting into arguments and probably has a meth problem considering he's always sucking on lollypops. He also cries more than any other man besides Dick Vermeil.


Needs His Own Show

Now where did I put my dignity?
Simon
We could go a variety of different ways for Simon's show: we could follow him at his hotel, put him on a sitcom, or my personal favorite: have him coach his sons' soccer team. I mean, the guy is British so he's probably more knowledgeable on the subject than most American dads, plus he has no idea how to supervise children. Actually, now that I think about it, he should coach football. Call me Simon, we can make this happen!


Complete Idiot 

Not a good move for Adidas's marketing campaign.
Mario - Ramona's husband
First of all, he's married to Ramona. Secondly, his name is Mario. The only other Marios out there are a video game plumber and a dude who played Greg Louganis in Breaking The Surface: The A.C. Slater Story. Also, I vaguely remember him taking a tennis match with Simon WAY too seriously when Simon had clearly never done anything athletic in his life (which makes this Simon coaching show an even better idea!).

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
Jill's boob is almost in his breast pocket.
Bobby Zarin - Jill's husband
Besides wearing those colored dress shirts with the white collars (the #1 sign of a douche), he seems nice enough. Also, he has a beard, which is cool.  


Atlanta - Dominique Wilkins's Boneyard

Absolutely Insane 
Nice nips.
Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad - Sheree's new love interest?
There's no way this guy is a doctor. I'm not even sure if he's employed. Plus, what's up with his balding pattern? There have been some strange bald spots in the history of bald spots (Rasheed Wallace, Goran Pandev, my pubis), but his is like a reverse mohawk. I genuinely think this guy is a virgin. I'll tell you who's not a virgin: Greg Louganis.  


Needs His Own Show
You can actually see the hairspray IN the photograph.
Mr. Fancy - Dwight
This guy is so fancy! For his show, I'm thinking we get him, Miss. J, Jay Manuel, the guy from the Real Housewives of DC and your gay cousin and have them scurry around town, speaking in their funny little way that they do and see what hi-jinks ensue. I envision it being just like True Blood. 

Complete Idiot 
I secretly think this guy is an absolute jerk.
Peter - Cynthia's grey-bearded fiancee
Probably the most pretentious of all the people on these shows and that's REALLY saying something. Also, I'm pretty sure that this guy is either foreign or has some sort of syndrome. I can't believe Cynthia's marrying him. He has a syndrome!



Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
This picture was for his homies back in the klink.
Apollo - Phaedra's fiancee who is also an ex-con
I genuinely think Apollo is sweet and kind and has been fully rehabilitated, just like Michael Vick. I also know very little about him which makes him a perfect candidate for this category.

Apologies go out to all the dudes of D.C., Beverly Hills, Orange County and anyone married to Sarah Palin. I imagine they are all very entertaining as well, there's just not enough hours in the day.

Friday, November 12, 2010

DWTS: Week 8 - See Ya Anna The Smoking Hot Red Headed Russian!

I love Communism.
On Wednesday afternoon, Karin posted this comment on my blog-blog:

Evan, what the hell? DWTS! I want the downlow! 

Seeing as she's my one of my four faithful readers, I figured I should probably give her what she wants. Women are crazy and sometimes you just have to give in and do stuff to calm them the freeps'd down. So here Karin, are some quick thoughts on the show that I just watched online while doing some chores around the house to keep my wife from choking me.

"Chores around the house" essentially consists of me taking piles of stuff and moving them to different parts of the house and combining them with other piles. I also wash some dishes (put dishes in the dishwasher), but can't stand the smell of a mildew sponge, so I rarely wash the stuff that can't go in the dishwasher, i.e. no-stick pans, steak knives, popcorn maker, giant dish. I do also take great pleasure in folding our two blankets in the living room, it really ties the room together, but take even more pleasure in unfolding them for my afternoon nap. 

So this week America voted off Anna The Red Headed Russian which was truly unfortunate because she was the only reason I really watched this show / started this blog in the first place. Folks, I'm not kidding, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS WOMAN AND MISS HER ALREADY was really coming into her own as a dancer. She and her innate ability to do a split and walk at the same time will truly be missed.

This guy needs to do some dishes.
Now that Anna's gone, I'll have to watch my wife drool over Maks without being able to grunt when any hot female splits and walks at the same time. Yeah, The Pistol is still around, but it's very clear that she can't do a split or walk on her ass the way Anna can. I wonder what Sarah Palin's splitting / ass-walking ability is? She was on the show again last week and it must be stated that she really is SO FREAKIN' HOT! Look, I'm aware that being super hot and having the legs of a Russian can't help you run a country OR form logical sentences, but HER LEGS ARE SEXY AS HELL and I would sponge them up in my sink any day.

And I'm aware that my wife will be VERY ANGRY with that last paragraph AND THE FACT that there are still a ton of dishes in our sink, but if somehow this blog were to reach Sarah's inbox and the opportunity to sponge her up came to fruition, it would TOTALLY be worth it.

Also, when I was just putting a pile of magazines on the desk instead of the kitchen counter, I found a fortune cookie that had been sitting out from last weekend's Chinese order. I wanted to throw it out, but thought it might be bad karma to throw out a fortune cookie? So of course, I ate it and got crumbs everywhere. Also, my fortune was totally not a fortune but advice instead, "When in anger, sing the alphabet" which I will tell my wife when she finds the ants that are probably now finishing said advice cookie.

Here's some advice for America, VOTE JENNIFER GREY OFF! I've had enough of her whining about her injured knee / back / neck / career. I know, I know, it hurts a lot and this means a lot and you've got a daughter who probably has some disease, we get it, we do, but SUCK IT UP! That's the difference between athletes and entertainers. Jennifer whines and cries and has children with diseases while Kurt Warner and Rick Fox just fight through it and produce normal children. Although, I do think it's weird how they refer to Kurt Warner as an "athlete". Yeah, he could throw a bomb to Isaac Bruce, but he was HARDLY an athlete. In fact, he was probably the least athletic quarterback in the league during his career. The only person who I can remember being a worse athlete at the quarterback position was James Van Der Beek (who looks a little like Derek Hough?!?!).

This guy knows how to do dishes.
Okay, I just got an email from my "friend" Rosa saying:

OMG you have way way way way too much free time!  I can't keep up with all your blog posts! Unsubscribe me for the love of cheese!

Thanks Rosa!

I will NEVER vote for you for Vice President!

So now it comes down to Kyle, Brandy and Jennifer (The Pistol has no shot). Brandy is looking like the clear favorite and is even becoming somewhat likeable now that she has bought into Maks's methods. The rift between Carrie Ann and Maks is also fun to watch and has clearly affected Carrie Ann much more than my beefy comrade. Maks's bad boy image is much needed on a show that's so light in the loafers and could potentially lead to a sponge bath if he ever got the chance to meet my wife.

This Monday night, DWTS will go head-to-head with Monday Night Football and Donovan McNabb vs. The Beagles. My relationship could also be coming to a head, although my wife does find Michael Vick to be very attractive. Seeing as my wife likes dog killers and Russians with bad attitudes, I'm going to leave those dishes in the sink and go buy me a leather jacket.

Now if I could just find her credit card ....