Tuesday, October 26, 2010

We Played High School Basketball With Kobe Bryant and You Didn't

From right to left: Evan, Kobe and an enormous chipmunk.
By Evan and Feddd

Yes, it's true. My buddy Feddd and I played high school ball with Kobe Bryant. When we were seniors, and Kobe a junior, our Lower Merion squad made it to the District Finals and to the second round of the state tournament. By the time the season ended, Kobe was considered the top player in the country, I had lost my virginity, and Feddd was closer to his parents than he'd ever been.

On paper, it might appear that Feddd and I enjoyed similar athletic careers but in truth our experiences were quite different. I was the starting point guard and Feddds was widely thought to be an assistant coach. What follows is an account from both of us of the District Semifinal against Richard Hamilton and Coatesville, played at the famed Palestra in Philadelphia.

Ev: As I stroll around the locker room getting loose for the biggest game of my career, Kobe comes over to me excited and raring to go.

“You ready, Triggerman?” Kob asks me. Triggerman is the silly nickname I was given by a local sportswriter who once wrote that I was “the triggerman in the Evan-Kobe alley-oop connection.”

“No doubt, KB.” I give Kob a pound, both of us confident and prepared to take down Richard Hamilton and Coatesville. We discuss how we’re going to defend Rip, try to limit his touches, and deny him all over the court.

Feddd: Half-dressed and suddenly surrounded by Coatesville players, two things occur to me: I’m in the wrong locker room and I might be gay. Shirtless, I wander through the unfamiliar and ancient Palestra hallways until I find my team. I take a locker between my friend Chris Lawson and freshman three-point ace, Dan Pangrazio. Kobe Bryant is three lockers to my right. I really, really want to ask him for his autograph.

The Game

Ev: The pace of the game is frantic, up-tempo, run-and-gun, exactly how we like it. On an out-of-bounds play, I throw Kobe a lob and the crowd grimaces thinking I’m hoisting an ugly 28-foot three-pointer. Kobe leaps over everyone, catches the rock with two hands and flushes it right over some dude wearing Rec-Specs. The sold out Palestra crowd explodes as we strut back on D, and I glimpse up into the student section to see this cute little sophomore give me the most sparkling smile. This is so cool.

Feddd rebounds for Ev and Kobe during practice.
Feddd: Holy shit, my entire left leg is asleep. You’d think this place, storied and famous as it is, would have a more comfortable bench. Lawson and I are at it again, having our customary contest to see who can produce a deeper, pinker rash by resting our elbows heavily on our thighs. We’re off to a furious start, with Lawson slightly in the lead, a fact that I attribute to him having “hippo arms.”

Ev: During a timeout, I can’t hear a word Coach is saying over the deafening crowd. KB, seated next to me suggests that we keep pushing the ball up the court, taking advantage of our speed and fast break. I’m not sure, but it looks like Feddd, who hasn’t played a minute, might be injured.

Feddd: Well, I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but I think I just sprained my ankle standing up. I hate timeouts. I can’t hear a goddamn word Coach is saying because nobody will let me in the huddle. Where the hell is my mom? I swear I’ve looked at everybody in the crowd and she swore she’d be here. If she doesn’t show, we’ll be making a little stop in Temper Tantrum City on our way to Baskin-Robbins after the game. Is it just me, or is that old woman in the Coatesville section giving me the finger? Not cool.

Ev: In a tight game coming down to the wire, Kobe fouls out with over 5 minutes remaining. One half of the arena celebrates while our faithful fans are silent, doubtful that we have any chance to win without the big fella. I gather up my fellow teammates and tell them that despite what everyone thinks, we did not get this far being a one-man team. We will pull this one out and this is our chance to shine. Kobe, devastated that he’s fouled out and unable to contribute, agrees and tells us that he has the utmost confidence in us. He says, “Don’t let it end like this fellas, refuse to lose.”

Feddd: Oh, Christ, Kobe just fouled out, we’re obviously going to lose. A whole season of sleepy legs for this? Is Ev talking? What could he possibly be saying? Who died and made him Knute Rockne? Is Knute Rockne dead?

Ev: Inspired by our captain’s words, we go out and blitz Coatesville. We dominate the final stages of the game, converting on numerous fast breaks and playing smart basketball leading us to victory and our first berth in the District Finals in over 40 years.

Best Friends Forever
Feddd: Holy fuck! This is the biggest splinter I’ve ever seen. It really might be touching the bone, I'm not kidding. Oh God, it hurts, it hurts. It feels like someone just threw a spear into my fucking leg. Holy crap! Where are we going…are we charging the court? Oh, it hurts to hug, guys, it hurts to hug!

Ev: Our student body rushes the court as we all celebrate, dancing, hugging, laughing, and enjoying the victory. That cute sophomore runs up to me and kisses me on the cheek, then sprints away with her friends, smiling. A euphoric rush fills my body as we head to the locker room where we talk to reporters, dance some more, and chow down on some free hoagies given to us by a local booster. During a post-game speech, Kobe thanks the team for pulling through, and allowing him the opportunity to play in at least one more game. This is the best hoagie I’ve ever had.

Feddd: Dickballs! Would it kill somebody to get a cheese hoagie? Or tuna? They know I’m a vegetarian. I do not eat red meat, they know that! What kind is this…ham, of course. Here’s a roast beef, oh, and here’s an Italian. And here’s a wad of meat wrapped in another wad of meat. Assholes! And this splinter is starting to look really bad. Is there such thing as wood poisoning? It’s turning pink, Jesus, it’s turning pink, what does that mean? Wait...Kobe's talking now. This looks emotional. Did he...son of a bitch, did he just call me Fred? Holy crap, Lawson just ripped one. How does nobody smell that?

Twittaaaaaa: @Evsterrr


  1. How are there no comments on this this is amaaaaazing. I mean, Evster is great and all but this Feddd is otherworldly where can I learn more I need more Feddd

  2. Bill Simmons brought me here! LOLLOLOLZZZ!

  3. Awesome. Kobe probably comes here and cries, missing you guyses.

  4. One of the greatest mistakes that individuals make with their willpower is not focusing it on what makes a difference most to them.You utilize the same supply of willpower to go to the gym,to stay late at the office, and to oppose dessert.Kobe accomplished greatness in light of the fact that he centered his willpower on one goal –turning into a great basketball player.Furthermore,he comprehended that he needed to make sacrifices to achieve that goal.

    Brian Scott.

  5. Did anyone notice the number 24 on Feddd's jersey?! I always wondered why Kobe changed his number. FEDDDDDDDD!!!

  6. Breakup Or Divorce Is Not A Solution To Your Marriage problems!!!!MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM !!! is certainly the best, and his result is 100% guarantee.
    My Husband is back home now and we are joyfully living together as one good family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr.Miracle. He is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that good spell casters still exist and Dr,,,Miracle, is one of the good spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, My Husband now love me more than before i am so Happy.and my Husband have cancel the Divorce with the help of Dr,,,Miracle..If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell That Truly Works Fast, I Suggest You ,,,,"CONTACT Via Email ,,,,, MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM !!!! You Can Also Call Him Or Add Him On Whats-App: +2340871398555,,, !!!!!!!

  7. Lifting weights and doing other weight room exercises likewise help to build a player's ability to focus and mindfulness. While having weight preparing amid basketball exercises, it is vital to do distinctive activities, for example, squats, dead lifts, button ups, split squats, and dumbbell presses.NBA Playoff

  8. What you need is to practice basketball moves by performing basketball simulations. Basketball Hoop Lab

  9. Don't limit them to waiting to try out for the school basketball team-you can get your kids started learning the skills imparted by basketball from the time they can walk; possibly even before that.안전놀이터

  10. For me, pitchers are quite a lot more unpredictable than position players. Individuals with the last initially round pick and the main second round pick have been reliably picking Johan Santana and Tim Lincecum consecutive.안전놀이터