|Manute Bol, R.I.P. ... Also, how cute is Muggsy?|
This is very upsetting because I envisioned being able to write about guy stuff too! like sports and cheeseburgers and hot chicks who I could never possibly have sex with. And so, I'm still going to write about those things; but I'll just have to tweak the content to make my posts more gender friendly.
So with dudes across the country reintroducing their women to TNT this Tuesday night, I thought I'd write an NBA preview targeted to both sexes. We'll break it down by looking at some of the most intriguing story-lines and putting them in big, bold letters.
So here it is:
The Evster's NBA Preview For Both Dudes and Chicks
|Look at Sue Bird! ... I want her and Allen Iverson to make a super baby!|
Honey, I'd like to introduce you to two young men; this fella here is John. And this guy here, with the red hair, this is Blake.
|Not pictured: guy in crowd whose head exploded.|
For chicks: You know when you go to a game and the giant furry mascot comes out and jumps on the trampoline and does a flip and then dunks the ball? Well, there's two guys that are new to the league this year that have the potential of flip-dunking without a trampoline. Yeah, and one of them happens to be one of those weird, light-skinned red-headed black dudes. I know, so exciting!
Yeah, he's on the Heat this year. And so's that guy who looks like a dinosaur!
|Totally normal; we'll just get a couple of stools, chill out, maybe wear high tops ...|
For chicks: Okay, you know how ABC put together that show The View? And they tried to assemble the most annoying women of all time to collaborate on one, unwatchable, train-wreck of a talk-show? Well, imagine if the producers put together a good panel; no, an AMAZING panel with Ellen Degeneres, Sandra Bullock, Wanda Sykes, Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra and Tinkerbell. Well that's what the Miami Heat are this year: LOADED. Oh, and Dwyane Wade recently left his high school sweetheart and their two kids for Gabrielle Union ... I know!
The Little Men are taking over.
|Spud Webb is wearing Ponys ... Manute seems to be wearing Bobos.|
For chicks: Little guys!
People need to chill out with all this Kevin Durant hype.
|I think a black mamba could eat a durantula.|
For chicks: There's this guy who plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder (yeah, that's a team) who looks like a giant string bean. He's really good, but not as good as the media is making him out to be. Kinda like foie gras.
Coming soon to Bravo: The Real Small Forwards of Los Angeles.
|This man will kill you.|
For chicks: If Danielle Staub played basketball, she would play for the Los Angeles Lakers. And so would her sidekick, Lisa Left Eye Lopes. Put them together and you'll understand why your husbands and boyfriends won't be going to bed early on Thursday nights. Also, for the record, I think Barbara Walters is crazier than both of those other two nutjubs combined ... yeah, I said it.
Let's rank the craziest guys in the NBA:
|Run puppies, run!|
|Matt Barnes probably has the best sense of smell ever.|
|Honey, you gotta check out this sunset!|
|I wish the other side said "Willy."|
I get to see my friends again!
For dudes: Whenever my wife sees that TNT's halftime show is on, she calls me into the room and says, "Honey, your friends are on!" and I come running in to see Ernie, Kenny and Sir Charles. It's really been too long since I've seen my old pals (not to mention C-Webb, Jalen Rose, Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy). This year, ESPN has added Chris Mullin and his Brooklyn accent into the mix as a studio analyst and I couldn't be more excited. You haven't lived until you've heard him say, "point gahwd."
For chicks: Look, the bottom line is that the coolest athletes are basketball players because the coolest people are black people. This is undeniable. And so, whereas baseball has lame-o white dudes analyzing their sport and Top Chef has Gail Simmons, the NBA has charismatic, hilarious, cool brothers analyzing theirs. If nothing else, we can all get behind the NBA for this reason. Plus, black people have way better fashion sense and wear amazing custom-made suits. Like this one, and that one, and this one, and that one.
Enjoy the season. I couldn't be more excited to welcome black people back into my life.
|Little known fact: the Doctor was looking up at a bird eating a cheeseburger when this picture was taken.|
|Walt Frazier to replace Miss J as judge on America's Next Top Lunatic.|
|"The Dream takes time away from playing to oboe with the New York Philharmonic to be selected #1 overall in the NBA Draft."|
|Should've been drafted by the Rockets just so he could have the hat to match.|
|Just sitting on a couple of wooden boxes. Not that big of a deal.|
|You mess with the bull, you get the world's most disgusting beard.|
|This guy once put out a video game where he went around karate chopping people.|