Friday, October 29, 2010

DWTS: Week 6 - See Ya Audrina!

Too much space between the tators.
Some belated bullet points from Monday's Dancing With the Stars:

- During one of the last commercial breaks, they had a commercial for SKATING With the Stars! which has potential to be AMAZING; think of the costumes, the wipe outs and the Canadian accents. Turns out, in 2006, Fox had a show called "Skating with Celebrities" that replaced Arrested Development (I know!) and was a complete disaster. One of the skaters ended up cheating on his wife and marrying his partner (I know!).

- Because I have class on Monday nights, I always miss the first hour or so of DWTS and have to watch it later in the week, online. Seems easy enough, but considering my computer runs like a Commodore 64, it can be unbearable. Instead of my computer flashing the word "buffering" on the screen, I'd rather it just spit in my face. It essentially ends up being an hour where I just click every clickable thing I can click, including "refresh network list" which for some reason I think helps (it doesn't). This type of behavior drives my wife bananas.

Jed Masloff knows what I'm talking about.
On top of this, during the internet broadcasts, instead of having commercials, they have one sponsor show mini-commercials during every break. This week's sponsor was Astra Zeneca promoting their new drug for depression. Very appropriate for a sweatpants'd blogger who spends three hours every week clicking a mouse like a mad man just so he can watch Brooke Burke repeatedly ask people "How does that feel?"

And Is it me or is Brooke Burke an absolutely terrible sideline reporter? I get it, trust me, I do; she has both a natural beauty and sexiness and is attractive to both men and women (a VERY rare combination: think Mariah Carey). She has credibility because she's a former winner of DWTS (I can't believe I just typed that last sentence), but does she have to mention this during every interview? Here's an example of a Brooke Burke led interview.

Sweaty pseudo-celebrities and overly hammed-up professional dancers stumble over to Brooke and over exaggerate as they attempt to catch their breath. Male partner blatantly wraps his arms around (and/or molests) the female like a high school couple standing outside Wawa ... male partner gives female a kiss on the shoulder and/or forehead ... dancers make "funny" faces at camera and wipe their brows. 

Brooke: Wow, so how did that feel?

Dancer and/or celebrity: Yeah, well, we just had a great time and we really wanna be here and we've put in so much hard work this week ...

Me: Really?!?! So much hard work??! That's funny, I didn't see you having to right-click "refresh network list" 37 times to get through any buffering!

Brooke: What was going through your mind during the dance? And I know, I've been there before.

This is Brooke's go-to question! And she always qualifies it EVERY time by telling them that she's been there before. And you know what the answer ALWAYS is?!?!

Pseudo-Celebrity: Yeah, um, I couldn't tell ya. I was just so into the dance.

Brooke: Great, let's get your scores.

Carrie Anne, Len and Bruno hold up paddle ball paddles with numbers on them ...  

Brooke: "Blah blah blah, remember you can only vote 17 times ...." 

Dancers and pseudo-celebs make more faces, flash over-exaggerated smiles and make hand gestures that seem to be trying to tell us to either call them on a rotary phone and/or play the piano.

Back, 3rd from left: what you talkin bout, TODD BRIDGES!
Okay, to the dancers and performances from Rock Week in rapid style!

Kurt Warner - Brett Michaels was brought in to give Kurt tips on how to be a rock star ... whatever, he's got diabetes, we get it ... (I think everyone has the same opinion on Bret these days: nice guy, dumb band that put out some hits, mystery of what's under the bandana will never be revealed and at this point and no one really cares. We all assume that he just has ridiculous scars from hair transplants / acne / a buffering accident and Bret, we're okay with it) ... anyway, Kurt danced to Europe's "The Final Countdown" which is probably the greatest song of all-time. I even owned that cassette as a kid and I hate white people.

Kyle - Showed he's truly determined by giving well-thought out and mature interviews, only to ruin them at the end with some sort of joke and/or fart noise ... nice funny moment when he practiced with his brother at home ... probably should have a nicer house if he's a "star" ... wall-to-wall carpeting? really? ... we all like him, but he's not a threat.

Jennifer Grey - Apparently is really close with Jamie Lee Curtis ... great moment when Carrie Ann told her she needs to "calm down" and is "outta control" ... you get the feeling that she's on LOTS of pain killers ... early favorite is crumbling ... lucky to have Derek as a partner, he could take Elaine Benes to the title.

Hey everybody,  I have diabetes. Wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it go!
The Pistol - I can't tell you how proud my wife is of Bristol Palin; in the last few weeks she's worn a monkey suit, danced in her underwear and may in fact have a soul.

Foxy - Just looked over at my notes (yeah, I take notes while watching) and I have nothing written down for Rick Fox ... either he was really boring or I was really sick of taking notes by the time he came on ... or while he was dancing I was ordering anti-depressants from Astra Zeneca.

Maks and Brandy - I mean, at this point, Maks is more of the celebrity. He is WAY MORE charismatic and talented and even dates a pseudo-celeb. Also, they have clearly surpassed Jennifer and Derek as the favorites (it's a marathon not a sprint Derek!).

During their training, Maks was wearing some sort of Yankees #4 jersey that said "Carter" on the back. I have no idea who this Carter fellow is; Lou Gehrig's #4 is retired by the Yanks. Maks is probably just so excited to be living in America and enjoying free enterprise. This reminded me of the Asian kids I knew as a kid. When I was growing up, the only Asian kids in our school were ACTUAL ASIANS, not these fancy, new Asian-Americans who wear name-brand clothing and play basketball. Our actual Asians wore knock-off sports attire such as Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets and San Francisco 49ers hats with different colored brims. I considered these kids to be my only true friends.

Back to Brandy, who responded to Brooke's question of "How important is this to you?" by saying, "It means EVERYTHING to me," which seemed entirely too honest. With Brandy's career crumbling after the cancellation of Moesha and her decision not to date Kobe after his prom, this really does mean everything to her. I expect to see her flipping burgers at Wendy's in 6 months.

Hey! They make great burgers!

Tried to find an Asian wearing a starter jacket, but this is equally as amazing.
See ya Audrina - Audrina getting sent home is a clear indication that she needs better breast implants. She's a nice enough person and a good dancer, but never connected with the audience. She even danced to Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" (which is MY FAVORITE SONG ... SERIOUSLY!). I feel badly for her partner Tony who really seemed to think this was his chance. Derek is dominant, Maks is dating a leggy blonde and Tony secretly lives in fear that at any moment he'll be sent back to Sicily to sell tomatoes again. Well Tony, the world needs tomato salesman.

Maybe he can go into business with Brandy!

Free enterprise!

Back Row, 5th from left: what you talking bout, Kelly Tripucka?!


  1. Hey remember that time you squirted ketchup all over my kitchen? Yeah I haven't forgotten that either.

  2. How is this the proper venue for this discussion? Shouldn't we be talking about people who are sort of celebrities dancing with foreign people?