Wednesday, September 22, 2010

DWTS: Week 1 - See ya Hoff!

Oh, hello.
Some highlights from week 1 of Dancing With The Stars before we get to The Hoff:

Jennifer Grey looks absolutely nothing like Jennifer Grey: It's truly a shame that she chopped her nose off; because she was much more attractive in her natural state.

Not pictured: The Sound Guy and his gigantic boner
Jennifer Grey's meltdown: Jennifer's meltdown was completely unacceptable, yet predictable. While Jennifer started weeping after seeing a dead Patrick Swayze dance around the studio, I rolled my eyes and moaned like The English Patient. Of course, my wife yelled at me, totally duped by her performance. Apparently Carrie Anne Anoblobe (clearly that's not her name) bought it too, as she delivered a teary-eyed speech after Jennifer's performance. This is a perfect example of the quintessential TVMyWifeWatches conundrum; my wife becomes emotionally invested while I want to jab my skull with a fork. 

The Situation stays alive! Reality TV makes their money by stringing you along until the final segment and normally, I don't really care who gets voted off, but my wife and I are totally invested in The Situation. The fact that he only had five days to rehearse coupled with the fact that HE'S THE SITUATION led us to mutter, "please please please keep The Situation" in unison while the host of America's Funniest Home Videos (great show by the way) read the results.

Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb
Florence Henderson is an absolute sex pot: There is no way that she and Corky don't sleep together. Guaranteed.

Rick Fox is way too ridiculously good looking.

See ya later Hoff: Despite being one of the absolute worst dancers to ever grace the DWTS set, it's truly a shame that The Hoff was voted off, because he could have been really great television.

These days the Hoff looks and acts like a cross between Tom Jones  and Ronald Reagan. I'm not trying to be funny here, but I think there's a very good chance that The Hoff has some sort of brain damage.

He danced to the very apropos Tom Jones classic, "Sex Bomb" which in itself was mindblowing. The whole time watching him dance/wink/interact with other humans, I really felt as if I was watching a decaying boxer who had gone a few too many rounds with either Smokin' Joe Frazier or mescaline.

After Hoff's performance, Bruno told him he "had no timing whatsoever" while Len Goodman claimed, "It's never too early to panic."

See ya Hoff. If you wanted to stick around for another week, you should've imitated this guy:

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