|Not Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden and Jaws|
Our latest compromise deals with Monday night television, or what I like to call, "a night when I used to be able to watch football without having a crazy woman threaten to slit my throat for not cutting the lawn." On Mondays, I am allowed to relax and watch Monday Night Football, as long as we flip to Dancing With the Stars during commercials. It's a fair compromise. I get to watch football and to be quite honest, Dancing With The Stars is not a bad show!
Dancing With The Stars has hot chicks, unintentional comedy and to quote my mother, "It's just a lot of fun." And she's right. It's impossible to watch the show and not be happy for these lame-o stars, because you can truly see how much fun they're having. It's like going to see some lame-o college band on a lame-o Wednesday night at some lame-o bar. The bands that try to act cool and unemotional are lame. But the idiots who jump around on stage and actually show emotion are really fun to watch. The bands that blow stuff up are still the best, though.
Tonight is the premiere so let's take a look at this year's contestants and compromise what we will like about them and how we will keep ourselves from slugging the television.
Jennifer Grey and The Most Annoying Guy / Best Dancer Ever
Positives: Jennifer Grey starred in possibly the biggest dancing movie of all time (Dirty Dancing) and was sort of hot in that teenage, Jewish, I'll do anything for a guy to like me, even give him an over-the-blanket handjob, sort of way. Also, she is paired with two-time champion Derek Hough who is without a doubt the best professional dancer on the show.
Negatives: Derek Hough is one of the most annoying people to walk the face of the earth (and that includes anyone who has ever worn a sweater vest). Watch the faces he makes; they will undoubtedly raise your blood pressure. Also, this is Jennifer's last ditch attempt at any type of stardom so expect her to try exceptionally hard and cry more than any other contestant.
Bristol Palin and Some Very Lucky Man
Positives: No idea what to expect from loose cannon Bristol Palin, who may end up pregnant by week 3. I secretly think she might be an absolute sex kitten and will blow peoples' minds. Also, her mother was secretly so hot.
Negatives: The fact that Bristol Palin was picked for this show is an absolute crock. If I knew you could become a "star" by being the daughter of a Vice Presidential candidate and getting pregnant, I would've convinced my mother to run for office, gotten a sex change and gotten pregnant lonnnnnnng ago. Another negative is that my mother is not Sarah Palin who is seriously so hot.
"The Situation" & Some Lady Who He Will Try To Have Sex With
Positives: Sitch's latest career move is a guaranteed success, it's just a shame he couldn't bring DJ Paulie D with him.
Negatives: I love everything about Sitch and can't see him not succeeding. I would totally let him impregnate me (if in fact my mother was running for office).
Rick Fox and The Next Notch on his Belt
Positives: Foxy's natural athletic ability combined with his dashing good looks will undoubtedly translate into success. Athletes have always fared well on this show and people as good looking at Foxy never fail at anything.
Negatives: Foxy cheated on his ex-wife, Vanessa Willy, which could be seen as a major negative to the viewing public. I of course not only see it as a positive, but truly hope he impregnates his partner.
The Hoff and Some Woman Who Is Going To Have To Smell Old Spice Cologne
For Many Many Weeks
Positives: Hoff has probably had some formal dancing training at some drama school back in the day. Then again, there's a very good chance Hoff probably ditched drama school in order to find some girl who's mom was running for office and try to get her pregnant. He and his upper chest will also be a favorite of many middle aged women which should keep his popularity high and my Monday nights low.
Negatives: Watching this guy hit on his super-hot dance partner for weeks on end could cause me apply to grad school and schedule classes for every Monday night. His flirting combined with his plastic surgery'd up face will be painful to watch.
Florence Henderson and Corky
Positives: It's well known that Flo-Ho slept with loads of people on the set of the Brady Bunch, making her a prime candidate to become the Vice President of this glorious nation.
Negatives: At the age of 93, Flo is a little too old for Corky and will probably set her sights on Len Goodman. Also, she must have a prosthetic hip.
Quick segue: My wife tells me that Flo-Ho's dance partner, Corky, is the father of Bristol Palin's partner and was Derek Hough's teacher growing up. Apparently, Derek lived with Corky as a kid, studying under him in London. If that is the case, this guy has the potential to either blow my mind with dance moves or cause me to burn down my house. Stay tuned!
Positives: Michael Bolton finally got rid of his mane, although his new haircut somehow looks even worse. How is that possible?!?!?
Negatives: Michael Bolton has been around for decades and yet I don't think I've ever seen him interviewed. He must be either terribly boring or terribly awkward ... Hoeurn Hoeurn! ... (that was the sound of a train horn.)
Brandy and the Dude That's Dating Erin Andrews
Positives: Brandy probably has some talent considering she is (er, was) a performer. This is my #1 gripe with this show. Last year, some lady from the Pussycat Dolls won, which was totally unfair. The lady dances on stage in front of thousands of people and she's competing against Buzz Aldrin?!?! Anyone who performs on stage in some sort of dancing'ish environment should be banned.
Negatives: The fact that Brandy is now better known for going to the prom with Kobe than for her music cannot be a good thing. She also used to be engaged to Quentin Richardson who is a straight up lunatic.
Kurt Warner and the Smokin' Hot Red-Headed Russian
Positives: I know I'm in the minority, but I always thought Kurt Warner's wife was kind of hot. She was just crazy enough that there was always a chance she would burn down any NFL stadium on any given Sunday. Couple that with the fact that her husband will be dancing with a lady who can stick her leg in her ear, could make for some great fireworks.
Negatives: He fumbled so much!
Some Hot Chick and Some Dude Who Probably Sold Tomatoes At Some Point In His Life
Positives: She's hot.
Negatives: My wife will hate her.
Margaret Cho and The Short Guy
Positives: Lots of people say she's funny, which could lead to some great interactions with that Bruno character.
Negatives: Comedians never do well on this show, it's too hard for them to take something this ridiculous serious enough. Also, I'm pretty sure that Margaret Cho has some body image issues and going on national television and dancing can't be good.
Another quick segue: is it amazing how that judge Bruno CANNOT stay in his seat? It's like he has so much energy that he HAS to stand up when offering his evaluation. What must that guy have been like in school?
Chubby Black Nickelodean Kid Star and a Minotaur
Positives: He's chubby, he's black, he must be able to dance if they put him on this show.
Negatives: The only Nickelodean personality we want to see was that guy who worked in the cafeteria from You Can't Do That on Television.
Prediction: Jennifer Grey. This means so much to her, she has a great partner and it's her last attempt at fame and fortune. I also predict that by week 4 I get a second television in order to watch Tennessee at Jacksonville. Chris Johnson is scintillating!