Thursday, September 30, 2010

Barefoot Contessa: Grilling an Entire, Whole Chicken

She's not even looking while she's cutting!
No show puts me to sleep quite like the 5pm airing of The Barefoot Contessa. Not because it's boring, but because Ina Garten's voice, kitchen and lifestyle is so tranquil that I uncontrollably lose consciousness and dream of dining in her backyard. It is by far the most relaxing half hour of my day (and that includes the half hour that I spend everyday playing my harp).

The other day I caught an episode where The Barefoot Contessa grilled an entire, whole chicken. She removed the back and breastbones with ease, slathered the chicken in rosemary and oil and just slapped it on the grill. It seemed so effortless that I figured I'd hop off the couch and try it myself.

Unfortunately, we did not have an entire chicken in our fridge, so instead I chose to make cinnamon raisin toast. Equally as delicious, but not nearly as simple. 

Any chance this guy lives next door to Contessa?
You see, one of the raisins in the bread got lodged in the toaster, forcing me to pry it out. At first, I kept slamming down and lifting the handle, trying to "boing" it out, but that just snagged the raisin more and ripped the slice apart. I then tried to play Operation with the toaster and burnt my fingers. Finally, I grabbed a pen and pressed it out, giving me three, mangled, 33% smaller pieces of cinnamon raisin toast.

When I went to lather on some cream cheese, I noticed that we had no clean knives.* So I took a fork (also dirty) and turned it around, spreading my cream cheese with the handle. This got the job done and I devoured my snack on the couch while Contessa finished preparing her meal.

Realizing she had an entire chicken to eat and no one to share it with, Contessa decided to invite her next-door neighbor Joan over. Now I'm not sure if her neighbor's name was in fact, Joan, but based on the fact that she had a sweater wrapped around her shoulders, her name had to be either Joan, Sharon or Corey Pavin.

Of course Joan came over, they ate an entire chicken and I fell asleep with crumbs in my beard.

When I woke up an hour later absolutely starving, I decided to go to Wawa, where I saw my next-door neighbor Bridgette. Bridgette was grabbing some Doritos and told me that she and her husband Dan were having "Burger Night."

"Burgers and Doritos, sounds perfect!" I said, giving her the clear opportunity to invite Dar and I over for a burg.

But did Bridgette take the bait? .................. No!

33% of a burg is not a lot to ask for
How hard would it have been for her or Dan to holler over the fence to ask if we wanted a burg?!?! It's not like we needed them to put out cloth napkins like Joan did. I didn't even need a napkin, Dan could've just shoved a burger through our chain-link fence! I wouldn't have had a problem with three thirds of a burger!

Well, I know who I won't be calling the next time I make cinnamon raisin toast.

(It's Dan and Bridgette.)

(Besides, then they'd insist on bringing over over their baby, Irene, and it'd be a whole thing with the baby and the baby would start barfing all over the place and that's just not relaxing at all.)

*This doesn't happen to The Barefoot Contessa. She always has loads of little glass bowls filled with herbs, and cute little measuring spoons and a cutting board that doesn't have an entire grapefruit on it from the night before. I'm starting to hate her. 

DWTS: Week 2 - See ya Michael Bolts!

This is a real person.
As I watched Dancing With the Stars this past Monday, I thought it was a pretty ordinary show. Some people looked good, Brooke Burke asked boring questions, Michael Bolton crawled out of a doghouse. But after looking over my notes, I realized that this episode had some INCREDIBLE moments. For instance, MICHAEL BOLTON CRAWLED OUT OF A DOGHOUSE. And the doghouse said "Bolt" on it!

And yes, I take notes while watching DWTS. And yes, I just abbreviated Dancing With the Stars as "DWTS": reasons #63 and #64 to punch me right in the face.

Before we get to Usain Bolt, some highlights included:

The Situation: The decision to only refer to The Situation as "The Situation" is brilliant. Not sure if that was The Situation's idea or that of the ABC producers', but I laugh every time they announce, "Karina Smirnoff and her partner, The Situation!"

Let's hope she didn't pull a hammy.
Bristol the Pistol: Easily the second best nickname on DWTS, I loved it when Sarah Palin let this one fly. Speaking of our almost Vice President, every moment she is on-camera I am blown away. From her accent to her leather jacket to using the word, "awesome," everything about this woman is entertaining. Although, my wife (who is the daughter of a plastic surgeon) seemed to think that her cheeks looked a little stiff and recently had some work done. Unfortunate, but still much more attractive than Geraldine Ferraro.

Brandy sucks: There is no doubt that Brandy is a good dancer, but she sucks as a person. Watching her during rehearsals with Erin Andrews' boyfriend made me furious. She has no idea how to work with others and it's clear that she has been coddled as an individual pop "star." As the judges critiqued her solo, Brandy threw Erin Andrews' boyfriend right under the bus by saying it was his fault, his idea. I equate her to a snotty kid who grew up only playing tennis with no concept of how to work with teammates. Later, when the judges criticized another move, Brandy baby talked and replied, "I sahwee." This brought about a rage inside of me that I have only experienced one other time: in 7th grade when my stupid doubles tennis partner shanked a return on match point causing me to throw my racket at his face.

Corky: Flo-Ho's partner is too much. I can't handle his enthusiasm coupled with the faces he makes. That being said, I kinda like him. 

Derek used the word, "catalyst": This was shocking. When discussing Jennifer Grey's mandatory check-up that revealed the cancer in her spine, Derek thought it was incredible that Dancing With the Stars served as a "catalyst" for her well-being. This guy deserves his own blog post; he might be growing on me. And it is so clear that with the exception of this kid, he is the best dancer of all time.

I might start voting for Kurt Warner just to keep his Red-Headed Russian partner on the show: her military outfit was bonkers and she may be reaching level 9 bonkers status.

And then there's Bolt: Forget about receiving the all-time lowest score  (Bruno gave him a 3!), Bolt had no prayer from the start. His ridiculous earring was reason enough to vote him off and then he showed up at the rehearsal studio wearing a  hospital mask as if he were practicing in Beijing. Later, he delivered this season's most embarrassing moment (outdoing Jennifer Grey's from last week when she saw a dead Patrick Swayze!) when he threw a hissy-fit in response to his partner telling him "whatever" after his suggestion to simplify a dance move. Listen Michael, we didn't need Office Space to hate your guts; now crawl back into your doghouse with your hounds-tooth jacket and please don't try to convince me that these songs are essential.

Prediction for next week: Sitch has been on the chopping block the last two weeks, but I'm convinced that the ABC producers are just messing with us. He's way too popular to be voted off. It comes down to the chubby Nickelodeon star, Margaret Cho and Flo-Ho. I predict that Mrs. Brady will be gone, but will be very excited to hear weeks later about her steamy relationship with Len Goodman.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Eagles vs. Jaguars: Michael Vick is Scintillating!

This is not Ron Jaworski

My wife is an avid sports fan; she loves the New York Knicks, Pete Sampras and can generally catch something when thrown to her. Football is not her favorite, but she has been known to join me on the couch for football Sundays, while folding some laundry or reading a magazine. Her favorite play is the flee-flicker. She does not quite understand what "play-action" is. She calls Randall Cunningham "The Ultimate Warrior." That being said, she loves watching Michael Vick.

This movie was not horrible.

The bottom line is that Michael Vick is scintillating (and infinitely more exciting to watch than Kevin Knob)! With Vick pulling his Houdini-like escapes, he has single-handedly made my 12 hours of Sunday football watching much more tolerable for my wife. You never know what Vick is going to do next; will he launch a bomb to Desean Jax? Will he jump over a defender? Will he throw a ball through a guy's face? All I know is that if the Knobbler was still the Eagles starting quarterback, my wife would be much more apt to snatch the remote out of my hand and force me to fold laundry.

And yes, we know, he killed dogs. And we actually love dogs! I even sort of enjoyed that movie with John Cusack where he had a dog!  But the guy has the potential to throw a ball through a guy's face. And I hate folding laundry!

This coming Sunday, Donovan is coming to Philly and my father-in-law will be staying with us while in town. As of now, we have plans to go to brunch on Sunday afternoon, but I will almost guarantee that Katie will allow me to choose #7 over Eggs Benedict. She understands that it's not everyday that you get to see a guy jump over another guy.

Thank you Clay Matthews for changing my life.

This Eggs Ben could actually use a little more Hollandaise.

Mad Men: Don Draper is Freaking Out!

Don Draper after his panic attacks and trip to Barfalona, Spain
If you're looking for deep, analytical commentary of Mad Men, discussing the latest episode and the fact that the characters are reverting back to their childish ways (Don eying up his secretary, Roger's immaturity, Pete Campbell being a tweedle) then I suggest you read the New York Times' blog. But if you're looking for inane drivel (and opinions on Joan's breasts), then you're in the right place.

This Sunday's episode was one of the hardest hitting in Mad Men's history as Joan revealed she was pregnant with Roger's child in the very first scene! And yet, during the entire heart-wrenching scene, all I could think about was the fact that Joan's breasts have officially reached "bosom" status. There's no other way to describe them. Joan's bosom commands our utmost respect.

This is just getting ridiculous
At this point, I feel that Joan's breasts need to be used for greater purposes other than stealing scenes during AMC's Sunday night programming. For example, why hasn't one NFL General Manager attempted to sign Joan as a 3rd down specialist? I just spent 15 minutes listening to Mark Schlereth discuss the 49ers inability to convert on 3rd downs and not once did he mention Joan's ability to help embattled QB, Alex Smith. Think about it:

It's 3rd and 6, and the Niners need to convert on a key 3rd down at Arrowhead Stadium in Chiefs territory. Michael Crabtree splits out wide, with Vernon Davis in the slot. All of a sudden, Joan lines up out on the opposite flank, matched one-on-one with the Chiefs' nickel corner. She could have her little 49ers jersey tied in a bow under her bosom, with eye black on and a pair of heels. It doesn't even matter which heels she wears, although pink ones for breast cancer awareness would seem to be very apropos this month. As the Chiefs corner starts screaming for safety help, Joan could slowly slide her foot out of her shoe, causing the cornerback to uncontrollably start barfing all over the place (because she's so hot) and boom! Joan runs a quick button-hook for 6 yards, moving the chains and putting the Niners in position to possibly score more than 14 points this season. Is this really that hard to envision?!?! Doesn't Mike Singletary want to keep his job?!?!

Speaking of barfing all over the place, Don's panic attack and subsequent trip to Barfalona produced some of the most outrageous and disgusting barfing noises in the history of American television. Lard Ass's puke-a-palooza in Stand By Me was visually more disgusting; the same goes for Mr. Creosote in Monty Python's Meaning of Life, but Jon Hamm's ability to sound like he was giving birth through his throat was downright Emmy worthy. Great job Hamm!

Don's secret identity was put into great jeopardy, leading to some riveting scenes in which Don revealed his true self to Whats-her-face, but Lane getting straight caned by his father proved to be the most hard-hitting moment of the show. Big Daddy Kane rolled up on his son like he caught him chewing gum on a Singapore sidewalk; and then to add insult to injury, Big Daddy stepped on his son's hand until he called him "sir!" This was truly unfortunate because I had just gained some respect for Lane considering he was dating a chocolate Playboy bunny (is that racist? that might be racist).
Can Mark Schlereth fix the 49ers?

Very excited for next week when we'll hopefully find out if Don plows his new secretary, if Joan is still in fact preggers and if Pete Campbell's wife Trudy dons another ridiculous, maternity neglige.

Monday, September 27, 2010

ESPN 30 for 30: Chris Evert is Still Hot and I Still Have a Foot Fetish

Chris Evert visits the Barefoot Contessa for some scones
ESPN's remake of Steel Magnolias is slightly different than the original in that the latest 30 for 30 is all about the rivalry and friendship of smokedog Chris Evert and the left-handed Martina Navratilova. It is certainly not the best film in the series (my rankings below), but is worth watching as a tennis fan or a man who may or may not have a foot fetish.

I say this because the entire film is just Chrissy and Martina sitting and chatting about old times, while relaxing in the living room of a home you'd expect Ina Garten to live in. It's cozy and warm, just like the film, and Chrissy spends most of her time barefoot, which kept my filthy attention for an hour.

Highlights include Chrissy just being beautiful as well as some great stories and still photos of Martina's days back in Czechoslovakia. There is footage of 16 year old Martina's debut, the days when she wore Kent Tekulve's glasses and SNL skits from the 80's when Chrissy hosted. Unfortunately there is no mention of Jim Rome's spat with Jim Everett (check that, "Chris" Everett ... youtube clip below).
The film was produced by Hannah Storm who I can't help but be very attracted to these days. In all sincerity, there are very few women who I am not attracted to, but Martina Navratilova happens to be one of them.

Sorry Martina. If it's any consolation, I was never really into Steffi Graf either. 

Best 30 for 30's:
1. June 17th, 1994 (The OJ one)
2. The Two Escobars
3. Muhammad and Larry
4. Without Bias
5. Run Ricky Run

Hottest Tennis Players:
1. Gabriella Sabatini
2. Maria Sharipova
3. Mary Joe Fernandez
4. Anna Kournikova
5. Whoever this lady is!
Bing bong!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

America's Next Top Model: Predatorial

I've never seen whiter teeth

For those of you who do not / have not seen America's Next Top Lunatic, it's definitely worth watching. Especially because Tyra Banks is OUT OF HER MIND.

Last night, when giving her final thoughts before kicking one of the lunatics off the show, Tyra explained why the lunatic was leaving. The theme of the photo shoot was "predatorial" and Tyra said: 
This looks comfortable for CWebb

We asked for "predatorial" and you gave us "editorial," but it turned out to be "deaditorial."


And Chris Webber used to date her!

What an idiot!  

Mad Men: "I'd ask my secretary, but she's dead."

For a couple of episodes, I thought this might have been Billy Crystal

See ya later Miss Blankenship! Hired by Joan to simmah Don down after he plowed his former secretary, Miss Blankenship served the show well, giving us a nice taste of slapstick during the darkest period of the show's run. With Don doing his best Courtney Love impression, Joan having her breakdowns and Betty transforming from Anakin Skywalker into Darth Vader, Miss Blankenship's appearance on screen gave us a much needed comedic break from the hard hitting show.

(For the record, my friend Fedd who does subtitling for TV shows in Los Angeles and watches TV and movies ALL DAY LONG claims that "The Shield" hits very hard.)

As this episode centered around the women of show and their places in life (including Sally), it must also be stated that this lady did quite a nice job.  
Is that a ficus?
Other quick thoughts:

- I get Don being hard on Sally when she first showed up to his office, but why not get down on one knee and tell her that he's very angry, but relieved that she's safe and will discuss it with her later? Did men not do this back in the 60's? He seemed a bit gruff.

- It's amazing how every one of us wants Joan's husband to die in Vietnam.

- Speaking of Joan's husband, in the comments section of the NYT write up of this week's episode, a guy (bobm, Wheeling WV, Sept 20th, 12:25pm) attempts to defend Rapist Greg. His main arguments are that despite his faults, his ambition to become a surgeon is noble (so noble that he's joined the army!) and his sexual behaviors are right on part with many of the other Mad Men characters. I'm not agreeing with him, but his post was very provocative.

- Joan took her bonkers status to a whole new level by demanding that Roger give it to her in that seedy, public stairwell. 

Ryan Howard takes on Arantxa Sanchez Vicario
- Don's new workout regimen has inspired me to go swimming. It's looks so refreshing! I'm going to LA Fitness this afternoon to play racquetball and will definitely be taking a dip afterward. I'm also very excited to take a shower there and dry my balls off with a hairdryer (and I'm not kidding!).

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

DWTS: Week 1 - See ya Hoff!

Oh, hello.
Some highlights from week 1 of Dancing With The Stars before we get to The Hoff:

Jennifer Grey looks absolutely nothing like Jennifer Grey: It's truly a shame that she chopped her nose off; because she was much more attractive in her natural state.

Not pictured: The Sound Guy and his gigantic boner
Jennifer Grey's meltdown: Jennifer's meltdown was completely unacceptable, yet predictable. While Jennifer started weeping after seeing a dead Patrick Swayze dance around the studio, I rolled my eyes and moaned like The English Patient. Of course, my wife yelled at me, totally duped by her performance. Apparently Carrie Anne Anoblobe (clearly that's not her name) bought it too, as she delivered a teary-eyed speech after Jennifer's performance. This is a perfect example of the quintessential TVMyWifeWatches conundrum; my wife becomes emotionally invested while I want to jab my skull with a fork. 

The Situation stays alive! Reality TV makes their money by stringing you along until the final segment and normally, I don't really care who gets voted off, but my wife and I are totally invested in The Situation. The fact that he only had five days to rehearse coupled with the fact that HE'S THE SITUATION led us to mutter, "please please please keep The Situation" in unison while the host of America's Funniest Home Videos (great show by the way) read the results.

Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb
Florence Henderson is an absolute sex pot: There is no way that she and Corky don't sleep together. Guaranteed.

Rick Fox is way too ridiculously good looking.

See ya later Hoff: Despite being one of the absolute worst dancers to ever grace the DWTS set, it's truly a shame that The Hoff was voted off, because he could have been really great television.

These days the Hoff looks and acts like a cross between Tom Jones  and Ronald Reagan. I'm not trying to be funny here, but I think there's a very good chance that The Hoff has some sort of brain damage.

He danced to the very apropos Tom Jones classic, "Sex Bomb" which in itself was mindblowing. The whole time watching him dance/wink/interact with other humans, I really felt as if I was watching a decaying boxer who had gone a few too many rounds with either Smokin' Joe Frazier or mescaline.

After Hoff's performance, Bruno told him he "had no timing whatsoever" while Len Goodman claimed, "It's never too early to panic."

See ya Hoff. If you wanted to stick around for another week, you should've imitated this guy:

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dancing With The Stars Preview

Not Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden and Jaws
Being in a relationship is all about compromise. For example, one of us will cook dinner, the other will set the table. One of us will eat dinner, the other will yell at me for setting the table wrong. One of us will promise to mow the lawn every week, the other will agree not to slice my throat with a knife. It works for us.

Our latest compromise deals with Monday night television, or what I like to call, "a night when I used to be able to watch football without having a crazy woman threaten to slit my throat for not cutting the lawn." On Mondays, I am allowed to relax and watch Monday Night Football, as long as we flip to Dancing With the Stars during commercials. It's a fair compromise. I get to watch football and to be quite honest, Dancing With The Stars is not a bad show!

Dancing With The Stars has hot chicks, unintentional comedy and to quote my mother, "It's just a lot of fun." And she's right. It's impossible to watch the show and not be happy for these lame-o stars, because you can truly see how much fun they're having. It's like going to see some lame-o college band on a lame-o Wednesday night at some lame-o bar. The bands that try to act cool and unemotional are lame. But the idiots who jump around on stage and actually show emotion are really fun to watch. The bands that blow stuff up are still the best, though.

Tonight is the premiere so let's take a look at this year's contestants and compromise what we will like about them and how we will keep ourselves from slugging the television.

The Favorites 

Jennifer Grey and The Most Annoying Guy / Best Dancer Ever

Positives: Jennifer Grey starred in possibly the biggest dancing movie of all time (Dirty Dancing) and was sort of hot in that teenage, Jewish, I'll do anything for a guy to like me, even give him an over-the-blanket handjob, sort of way. Also, she is paired with two-time champion Derek Hough who is without a doubt the best professional dancer on the show.

Negatives: Derek Hough is one of the most annoying people to walk the face of the earth (and that includes anyone who has ever worn a sweater vest). Watch the faces he makes; they will undoubtedly raise your blood pressure. Also, this is Jennifer's last ditch attempt at any type of stardom so expect her to try exceptionally hard and cry more than any other contestant.

Bristol Palin and Some Very Lucky Man

Positives: No idea what to expect from loose cannon Bristol Palin, who may end up pregnant by week 3. I secretly think she might be an absolute sex kitten and will blow peoples' minds. Also, her mother was secretly so hot. 

Negatives: The fact that Bristol Palin was picked for this show is an absolute crock. If I knew you could become a "star" by being the daughter of a Vice Presidential candidate and getting pregnant, I would've convinced my mother to run for office, gotten a sex change and gotten pregnant lonnnnnnng ago. Another negative is that my mother is not Sarah Palin who is seriously so hot.

"The Situation" & Some Lady Who He Will Try To Have Sex With

Positives: Sitch's latest career move is a guaranteed success, it's just a shame he couldn't bring DJ Paulie D with him.

Negatives: I love everything about Sitch and can't see him not succeeding. I would totally let him impregnate me (if in fact my mother was running for office).

Rick Fox and The Next Notch on his Belt

Positives: Foxy's natural athletic ability combined with his dashing good looks will undoubtedly translate into success. Athletes have always fared well on this show and people as good looking at Foxy never fail at anything

Negatives: Foxy cheated on his ex-wife, Vanessa Willy, which could be seen as a major negative to the viewing public. I of course not only see it as a positive, but truly hope he impregnates his partner.

The Trainwrecks

The Hoff and Some Woman Who Is Going To Have To Smell Old Spice Cologne
For Many Many Weeks

Positives: Hoff has probably had some formal dancing training at some drama school back in the day. Then again, there's a very good chance Hoff probably ditched drama school in order to find some girl who's mom was running for office and try to get her pregnant. He and his upper chest will also be a favorite of many middle aged women which should keep his popularity high and my Monday nights low.

Negatives: Watching this guy hit on his super-hot dance partner for weeks on end could cause me apply to grad school and schedule classes for every Monday night. His flirting combined with his plastic surgery'd up face will be painful to watch.

Florence Henderson and Corky 

Positives: It's well known that Flo-Ho slept with loads of people on the set of the Brady Bunch, making her a prime candidate to become the Vice President of this glorious nation. 

Negatives: At the age of 93, Flo is a little too old for Corky and will probably set her sights on Len Goodman. Also, she must have a prosthetic hip.

Quick segue: My wife tells me that Flo-Ho's dance partner, Corky, is the father of Bristol Palin's partner and was Derek Hough's teacher growing up. Apparently, Derek lived with Corky as a kid, studying under him in London. If that is the case, this guy has the potential to either blow my mind with dance moves or cause me to burn down my house. Stay tuned!

Michael Bolton and  His Hairdresser

Positives: Michael Bolton finally got rid of his mane, although his new haircut somehow looks even worse. How is that possible?!?!?

Negatives: Michael Bolton has been around for decades and yet I don't think I've ever seen him interviewed. He must be either terribly boring or terribly awkward ... Hoeurn Hoeurn! ... (that was the sound of a train horn.)

Who Cares?

Brandy and the Dude That's Dating Erin Andrews

Positives: Brandy probably has some talent considering she is (er, was) a performer. This is my #1 gripe with this show. Last year, some lady from the Pussycat Dolls won, which was totally unfair. The lady dances on stage in front of thousands of people and she's competing against Buzz Aldrin?!?! Anyone who performs on stage in some sort of dancing'ish environment should be banned.

Negatives: The fact that Brandy is now better known for going to the prom with Kobe than for her music cannot be a good thing. She also used to be engaged to Quentin Richardson who is a straight up lunatic.

Kurt Warner and the Smokin' Hot Red-Headed Russian

Positives: I know I'm in the minority, but I always thought Kurt Warner's wife was kind of hot. She was just crazy enough that there was always a chance she would burn down any NFL stadium on any given Sunday. Couple that with the fact that her husband will be dancing with a lady who can stick her leg in her ear, could make for some great fireworks.

Negatives: He fumbled so much!

Some Hot Chick and Some Dude Who Probably Sold Tomatoes At Some Point In His Life

Positives: She's hot.

Negatives: My wife will hate her.

Margaret Cho and The Short Guy

Positives: Lots of people say she's funny, which could lead to some great interactions with that Bruno character.

Negatives: Comedians never do well on this show, it's too hard for them to take something this ridiculous serious enough. Also, I'm pretty sure that Margaret Cho has some body image issues and going on national television and dancing can't be good.

Another quick segue: is it amazing how that judge Bruno CANNOT stay in his seat? It's like he has so much energy that he HAS to stand up when offering his evaluation. What must that guy have been like in school?

Chubby Black Nickelodean Kid Star and a Minotaur

Positives: He's chubby, he's black, he must be able to dance if they put him on this show.

Negatives: The only Nickelodean personality we want to see was that guy who worked in the cafeteria from You Can't Do That on Television.

Prediction: Jennifer Grey. This means so much to her, she has a great partner and it's her last attempt at fame and fortune. I also predict that by week 4 I get a second television in order to watch Tennessee at Jacksonville. Chris Johnson is scintillating!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Mad Men: Joan Is Bonkers

Christina Hendricks is fast approaching level 9, off-the-charts bonkers status.

It has gotten to the point that anytime she walks onto the screen with her absolutely bonkers breasts, I find myself screaming at the television. Normally, I don't even actually form sentences, just awkward sounds as if she slugged me in the gut. I'm sort of starting to get angry at how hot she is.

Equally as frustrating is the lack of attention she's getting across the country for being so close to off-the-charts bonkers status! To this day, only three women in the history of western civilization have reached this level of off-the-charts bonkersnish. They are (in no particular order):

1. Elle McPherson
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Mariah Carey (circa 1997)

(We're talking about the Mariah who was recently separated from her husband, mentally unstable and wearing cut-off jean shorts in seemingly every public appearance. It was also at this time that I believe she killed a man by simply asking him to hold her flip flops.) 

While doing some research,* I found that Maxim Magazine did not even have Christina ranked in their 2010 list of the 100 hottest women! Even more ridiculous was the fact that since Mad Men debuted in 2007, Time Magazine has not named her Person of the Year once. In 2009, they gave it to some guy named Ben Bernanke while it 2008 it went to Barack Obama? This country needs to wake up and recognize.

At the very least, Big Red should be doing ads for Maybelline or Loreal or Triscuits. Are you telling me that you wouldn't buy 19 boxes of Triscuits if you saw an ad with Joan's red nail polish putting a piece of cheese on a cracker? I already have three boxes of Triscuits at my house and I don't even have a job.

The bottom line is that this woman and her bonkers butt are blowing peoples' minds. If we don't give Joan the attention that she deserves, she very well could end up dating Justin Beiber.

She sitting here, she supposed to be the franchise player and we in here talking bout Bieber!

*not really research

Real Housewives of D.C.

So there's this guy.