Monday, December 27, 2010

Movie Review: Black Swan starring Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and not Yogi Bear

Natalie Portman studied Kelly Ripa's clavicle for six months whilst preparing for this role.

With my wife's birthday falling on December 26th, she controls all Christmas movie decisions, which is why we spent this holiday season seeing a psycho-sexual thriller about ballerinas. If myyyyyyyyyyy birthday fell near Christmas (which it clearly doesn't), we would've seen True Grit, or even Yogi Bear in THREE DIMENSIONS, but no, my birthday falls on Passover, when I get to eat a cake made of matzoh and have snot dripping from my nose due to the start of hay fever season.

I don't remember the last time I saw a pycho-sexual thriller, possibly in 1985, when I was eight and my parents took me to see Jagged Edge. My mom had heard from her friend Judy's daughter that "it was fine," so why not take your third grader to see it and forever damage his sexual development?!?! Nothing says "Wednesday night" more than Glenn Close painting her bedroom walls with a man's blood. After the movie, as we exited the theater, we bumped into my third grade teacher, Mrs. Mogul, and my third-grade penis officially recoiled into my third-grade abdomen where it would lay dormant for the next four years. It wasn't until a Sports Illustrated arrived in the mail with Kathy Ireland on the cover doing yoga on a rock that my dork decided to crawl out of hibernation. Four years after that, my little winkler would once again recoil, this time after being forced to watch Necessary Roughness and the undeniable sexual chemistry between Kathy Ireland and Sinbad.

I honestly can't figure out how many necklaces Mila's wearing.

Back to Black Swan, which is a movie I can't imagine anyone would ever say that they liked, but is essentially a good movie. It does everything you want a psycho-sexual thriller to do: it sucks you in, keeps you on edge and leaves your penis in a vulnerable, yet flaccid state. Because of the double-dipper combo of Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, there are a few times when one's penis does think about blasting out of one's pants, but director Darren Aronofsky does a great job of quelling those feelings by occasionally throwing in scenes with Winona Ryder.

Personally, I think I like Mila Kunis a little more than Natalie Portman despite the fact that she's been dating Macauley Culkin for the better part of a decade. Something's not right there. Maybe she's attracted to the fact that Mack got burnt out by Hollywood and started to act all mysterious. Maybe her parents took her to see the psycho-non-sexual thriller, The Good Son and she fell for little Mack. Or maybe Mack is just a nice guy and they have a nice relationship and enjoy doing Xanex together. Either way, Natalie Portman is way too skinny in this movie and looks a little too much like Winona Ryder. For the record, I've always felt really badly for Wynonna Judd because her mother, Naomi, was so much hotter than her. I blame Glenn Close.

Macauley Culkin brings home a crate of Stubb's BBQ sauce for he and Mila's next wild, sexual adventure.

Look, the bottom line is that I was sort of really looking forward to this movie because it was Aronofsky's follow up to The Wrestler and I clearly had no idea what a psycho-sexual thriller was. I'm happy I saw it and it was nice to go to the movies, but I wish I hadn't sat next to my wife's brother, especially for the scenes with Natalie, Mila and my 33 year-old dong. My wife's brother was kind enough however to share his Junior Mints with me which was a nice gesture, especially considering I was crying and dry humping him the entire time.

Overall, Black Swan gets three Junior Mints out of four, but is seriously not even half as good as Uncle Buck or Little Women.

It is however slightly better than Necessary Roughness which is borderline unwatchable if not for the brilliant performance of a young Scott Bakula.


Evster's note 1/3/2011 - Heard today that Mila Kunis and Little Mac broke up. Sorry Mac. It's okay buddy, I secretly always kinda thought that the other chick (the redhead) from That 70's Show might have been slightly hotter. Go after her, Mac! 

Mac Mittens! 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Action News + General Tso's Chicken

A quick apology to all the loyal readers of TV My Wife Watches this morning for not putting up a longer blog post today. It's just that I went out for Chinese food with my wife last night and just so happened to be sitting next to a guy by the name of Vernon FUCKING Odom

Hey Ev, what'd you do last night? .... Oh, not much. Went out for a bit, got some Chinese food, relaxed, a little beef and pineapple .......... Oh, yeah, and did I mention I hung out with a guy who goes by the name of VERNON ODOM everybody?!?!?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Back To You Guys In The Booth: My Wife's Thoughts On NFL Players and Their Tight Tight Pants

I was always flabbergasted that Walter Payton was sponsored by KangaROOS.

A few years ago, I was broadcasting high school football games for a local Philadelphia radio station and was given the assignment to cover the Catholic League championship game between St. Joes Prep and La Salle High. The wonderful thing about broadcasting high school football is that your average audience consists of around 11 people, so as an announcer, you just make up statistics and learn the fine art of stretching out your sentences to cover up the fact that you spend the entire game scuttling through your papers to find out #53's name when in fact he may have switched jerseys with #87 midway through the season and they just never updated the program. You say things like, "Handoff to number thirtyyyyyyyyyyyyyy two, yeah, that's a two, Jimmy McccccccccccccccNichols who rumbles up the field forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, oh, I dunno, about 7 yards? Is this field even painted? I can't see the yardage markers, and yeah, that tackle was made byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Christopher DiFillipiantonio and wow, yes, that's his actual name. Nice play buddy."

Anyway, at this particular game my wife decided to join me and instead of having her just sit there and freeze to death, I decided to put her to work. There was a raucous student section of St. Joes Prep fans so we pretended that my wife was our sideline reporter, relaying updates from the St. Joes' section. We didn't actually have another microphone or the technology to do anything really, so I would just pass Katie the mic and she'd make up some story like, "Hey guys! There's four kids down here with their shirts off and they're barking like frogs. It's great! Back to you guys in the booth!"

One of the many reasons my wife likes the Bengals.

By midway through the 2nd Quarter, Katie was literally rocking back and forth in her chair, itching for us to pass her the mic just so she could say something ridiculous followed by, "Back to you guys in the booth!" I don't know if she watched one minute of game action that night and I don't even know if there was anyone else in the booth with me, nor was I actually in a booth, but my wife was WAY into those three hours of football. Since then, we've literally watched thousands of more hours of football together and she has never even been CLOSE to that excited for a game, until, now I say, I say, UNTIL reading The Blind Side and watching Michael Oher play football.

Now Michael Oher plays Offensive Tackle, which is without a doubt the most boring person to watch on a football field (with the exception of the Offensive Guard who lines up next to the tackle and happens to be the 22nd least mobile player on the field at all times). But because of The Blind Side, Baltimore Ravens' offensive possessions are now must-see-TV in our household.

Katie also likes watching any team that is named after a wild animal, like the Lions or Panthers or Jaguars or Bengals (especially the Bengals with their giant, elongated orange Bengal at midfield) or the Cheetahs or the Chickens or the Vikings because she has been to Norway quite a few times and loves it there and they have nice purple horns on their helmets which now as I write that, sounds VERY erotic.

I like to form my opinions on football players based on their performances or personalities or abilities to run over a moose, but then again this is not TV I Watch, this is TV My Wife Watches (which now looking back seems like a VERY silly decision).

Regardless, here are my wife's thoughts on various football players and personalities:

NFL People My Wife Likes:

It must first be made clear that my wife's favorite athlete of all-time is Latrell Sprewell, a guy who once choked out his coach and was purportedly blackballed from the NBA for having an attitude problem. She also lives by the credo, "Don't Tell Me What To Do" and is a VERY scary person (especially when dishes are left in the sink).

Let's be honest, this pass was probably picked off.
Brady Quinn - Clearly one would assume that my wife likes this Golden Boy because of his dreamy looks and Vidal Sassoon'ed hair, but Katie claims that she fell for Brady because she felt so bad for him after he slipped in the draft and was forced to sit alone in the Green Room for hours waiting for his name to be called. Since then, Brady has gone on to throw only ten more touchdowns in the NFL than Vidal Sassoon himself, but does have a really cute dimple and a rock hard chest.

I never understand why people wear jackets in Los Angeles.
Chris Johnson - Forget about the fact that CJ2K can run faster than a horse (and Robocop!), my wife took to him after he showed up to the ESPY'S looking like Lil Weezy. I think she also likes guys who are fast: Usain Bolt, Earl Boykins, me in the bedroom.

It's not polite to point Michael. It's also not polite to COMPLETELY DOMINATE my fantasy football league.
Michael Vick - Dog killer, schmog schmiller. The guy can has an arm like a laser and feet like a mongoose. I actually have no idea whether or not a mongooses have any sort of agility whatsoever, but I imagine catching one is VERY very difficult (as shown by the fact that I do not currently own a mongoose).

Hi Aaron.
Aaron Rodgers - Quote from my wife: "I felt bad for him with the whole Brett Favre thing and he's good and he's cute and he went to Cal so he's probably a little smart and my mom went there, so ...."

Other receiving votes: Mason Crosby (Katie's brother went to Colorado and so did Mason), Desean Jackson (I actually have no idea whether or not Katie likes him, but I absolutely LURVE him), Charles Woodson (I have his Raiders jersey and she likes to wear it), Randy Moss, Hines Ward (I think she likes that he's Peloponnesian or something), Chad Ochocinco (funny and cute), Shannon Sharpe (funny and enormous) and any dude who shows off his arms like Osi Umenyiora.


NFL People My Wife LOATHES:


Not pictured: Ben's third hand getting to third base.
Ben Roethlisberger - I can't quite explain the hatred that my wife has for Big Ben. When his face appears on the screen, I unconsciously start picking up my dirty socks from the floor in an attempt to stay out of her wake.      

Why is that microphone recording his package?
Ray Lewis - This is one that I staunchly disagree with my wife about. Okay, the guy killed someone with his bare hands, get over it. Fans like players that are passionate about stuff and Ray Lew is passionate about taking a guy's face and smashing it. He is also passionate about taking a knife and jamming it into a guy's ribcage and killing him and then not going to jail because he's really good at tackling people AND selling deodorant.  

A Pre-Bieber Bieber.
Cris Collinsworth - Just a weeny. 

NFL's A-List Celebs:

Honestly, what is going on here? Was Reggie wearing a jacket without a shirt? I drive a Nissan Altima.
Reggie Bush - Another quote from my wife: "I wish he and Kim Kardash would get back together. I bet that'd be nice for her. Although, he's always travelling which can be tough on a relationship. Although, she's a busy girl too. I dunno, I don't really have enough thoughts on them to make this interesting."

Buy one get one haircuts!
Kurt Warner - My wife previously hated Kurt and thought he was way too religious, but really enjoyed getting to know him on Dancing With The Stars. Personally, I think his legacy is way overrated and remember him more for coughing up the ball and being about as mobile as a shoe. Then again, he could occasionally fit a ball into the tightest of spaces at absolutely went bing-bang-bonkers during that season with the Rams in 1999. Overall feelings on Kurt Warns ......... thumbs up!

Of course that kid has that hairstyle!
Michael Oher - What's not to love? Big, black cuddly dude who came from the most humbling of beginnings to achieve NFL stardom and has yet to choke anyone including Jesse James.

Nice torc.
Tom Brady - "So over him," my wife said when I asked her about Brady. Look, I understand that he left his pregnant girlfriend and is currently rocking the Bieber, but this dude is legit. He's a phenomenal quarterback, tough as nails and an absolute pimp. As my wife mulled it over, she finally admitted, "I mean, he's no Ben Roethlisberger. I'd certainly have lunch with him if he asked me."

NFL People My Wife LOVVVVVVVES:

Omar Epps / Mike Tomlin / Not Me
Mike Tomlin - My wife has a thing for young, fit, black coaches who look and act absolutely NOTHING like me. Tomlin is serious, stern and could crush a beer can with his neck. I am goofy, loose and am terrified of both aluminum and people with really strong necks. 

It's just head-lice, not that big of a deal.
Stewart Bradley - C'mon, I am fully capable of admitting when a dude is good looking (George Clooney, Chris Webber, Enya) and Stewart Bradley is not. Also, he's always getting hurt and is absolutely nothing like Byron Evans. Thumbs down. 

Thanks Mark. This does a lot for my confidence.
Mark Sanchez (and to be quite honest, anyone who played quarterback at USC) - More quotes right from the horse's mouth: "He cute. I like him because he's on the Jets, which was my dad's favorite team growing up and he came right in and started as a rookie, right? He likes playing practical jokes and although I don't like practical jokes played on me, I like when they're played on other people. Also, I haven't quite studied it closely enough, but I bet he has some nice little tight buns like Derek Jeter. Yeah, I bet he has some nice little Derek Jeter buns. Wait, why haven't I studied that?"

Monday, December 20, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Very Educational

Not proper Heimlich technique.
They say that "you learn something new everyday," and yesterday I learned that Desean Jackson is a pimp. In Desean's defense, I actually already knew that he was a pimp, but now he will officially go down as one of Philadelphia's all-time pimps along with Wilt Chamberneezy, Chase Utley and various Jewish teenagers who make out with mad chicks every year at Pocono summer camps.

I also learned quite a few things later that evening by watching an educational program on PBS called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." It seems as if PBS has put together a documentary exploring the issues of a modern day southern culture through a sociological lens. Last night, it was revealed by a man who must've been a doctor (although he was masquerading as Kim Zolciak's stylist) that "Side boob is the new butt cleavage." This profound statement will now be discussed at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.

To explore this hypothesis, we must first examine the popularity of butt cleavage, which I must admit, I didn't know was actually a thing. I mean, I knew it existed and I've certainly stared at my fair share of butt cracks, from plumbers to teenagers to Kardashians to every girl at Club Egypt from 1999-2006, but never realized it was a conscious united ploy by all women. Now that I think about it, OF COURSE IT WAS, as it led men to the allure of discovering that women were not actually wearing underwear, which was obviously another brilliant ploy and further proves that it MAKES NO SENSE why women do not rule this world! Seriously, how is it possible that women have been persecuted for so long and have struggled for civil rights and equality in the work place when CLEARLY they should be able to use their powers to GET WHATEVER THEY WANT?!?!

You can still find 'em.
Well, now with the introduction of side boob into the equation, there is a very good chance that Sarah Palin will become the next President of the free world. And still, for some reason, many Democratic women are upset about this?! Shouldn't they be celebrating? There is a VERY good chance that by 2016 all men will be forced to wear leashes and dog collars. And to be honest, I think the male gender as a whole is ready for this evolution.

Just last month, after this picture of Angie Everhart in a bikini was posted on my fantasy football league's homepage, my friend Dickdog offered to trade Randy Moss AND Brandon Marshall straight up for a "FULLY nude pic of Angie."

There's no way Angie wears Skechers Shape-Ups.

Here then is the email chain that followed Dickdog's trade request:

Me:  I actually like partial nudes better ... more erotic! ... Loaves knows what i'm talking about!

Hart:  Hart knows what you're taking about!

Larbage:  I like shots that can be used in anatomy journals.

Loaves:  Big fan of side boob and under boob, but I think I'm the biggest fan of see-through boob. See-through shirt boob, I mean. An actual see-through boob would be gross unless there was another boob in it.

Feddd:  Could you imagine a see-through boob with another boob in it?!

Dickdog:  Saw a great side boob of Miley Cyrus the other day!

Swapping this pic could probably land you Santana Moss.

Look, the bottom line is that we (the members of The Chodage Fantasy Football League) are TOTALLY READY for the Side Boob era. For the record, we'd also be ready for the return of the Regular Boob Era, the Gigantic Boob Era or even the Total Recall Triple-Ripple-Boob Era.

However, we would not be in favor of the return of the European Pointy Boob Era that seemed to explode during the mid 1970's and had a brief resurgence when the movie Chocolat came out. 

Time to end this crap; here are some other things that I learned during last night's documentary:

- On Watch What Happens Live!, Phaedra revealed that the first person she ever kissed was Jewish! This, along with the fact that Nene admitted last week that she was interested in dating a white dude deserves not only its own blogpost but probably its own seminar at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.  

- Phaedra also claimed that her baby was born 7 pounds and 23 ounces proving that I have no idea how conversion rates work.

- Kandi's record producer (who I believe goes by the name, "Selassie," which is amazing) has without a doubt the most comfortable looking desk chair I've ever seen in my life. It rivals those Saab / Audi racecar seats that European soccer teams use as their dugout chairs. Also, the fact that the word "racecar" is spelled the same forwards and backwards is still as interesting as it was twenty-five years ago.

Ronaldo laments the fact that side boobs are replacing butt cleave.

- Andy Cohen is taking over the world. Once just the dude who interviewed the housewives on reunion shows, he now has catch-phrases, a Twitter account and is representing Gay, Jewish dudes about as well as a Gay, Jewish dude could. As of now, I'd say there is about a 13% chance that my wife and I will stay in to watch Bravo's Wig Drop on New Years Eve and that number is RISING by the second.

Might even wear a dog collar!

Put that image in your head, Karin!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Went To a Fight and a Hockey Game Broke Out

Seriously, what are Skechers Shape-ups?
Apparently when Bravo gets a group of housewives from Beverly Hills together for a dinner party, an episode of Around the Horn breaks out.

Holy smokes!

What a s**t-show!

To be honest, I only watched the fifteen minutes of the show when the women were screaming at each other, but I think that was enough to get the gist of the argument. I gathered that one of the ladies was upset because the other said something about her and the other one was upset because she doesn't like the nonverbal body language of the other and the other lady pretended to not be upset because she doesn't care about the other lady and then finally the other lady got upset because her marriage is going down the tubes and she tends to just get upset.

Personally, I'm just upset at the current plastic surgery trends in relation to women's lips.

I also don't get what's going on with Skechers Shape-ups. Are they prosthetic sneakers? What are prosthetic sneakers? And why is Karl Malone endorsing them? And Brooke Burke? And Joe Montana? And Kim Kardash?

Apparently, Skechers Shape-ups totally round your boobs .... Look how round they are!

I'll seriously do anything Kim Kardashian tells me to.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Great Moments in Bachelor/ette History: The Mesnick Chin Tap

Tapioca Pudding.
Jason Mesnick had many memorable moments during his run as The Bachelor, such as: dumping his fiancee on live television, numerous weepings and introducing his son to various women who did NOT become his mother, but I will most remember Mezz for his signature "chin tap" when planting a kiss on every (and I mean EVERY) eligible bachelorette.

Very versatile, The Mezz can go righty or lefty.

I applaud The Mezz for sticking his tongue down so many women's throats and contracting what probably amounted to dozens of unidentified lip fungi, but where did he learn the chin tap?!?! It's not that The Mezzer did this once in a while, like when he felt a particular spark or was in the moment, but EVERY TIME he kissed a woman. It was almost instinctual (like popping a boner), that when a woman's lips would come near his, his hands would raise and he'd press his thumb into their chin as if he was screwing in a light bulb. Think about the ratings ABC would get if he ever planted one on Tom Brady! Or Chevy Chase!

Other Mesnick dream matchups:

Ashlee Simpson, with some blatant yammers by the way!
Claire Dizzle.
Wowzers!

This isn't Russia, is this Russia?
I'm guessing that The Mezzer probably learned the move from an old soccer buddy back in high school. High school dudes are always swapping secrets, like when my friend Danny once told me to play Counting Crows whenever I was ready to make a move. I tried it once and ended up cuddling with a chick for twelve straight hours. It was terrible. She later told me that the Crows took her out of the mood. Either that or the fact that I was trying to jam my thumb in her chin like a doorbell.

Although it could've been that I was also trying to press my boner into her leg like a harpoon (a move taught to me by EVERY SINGLE ONE of my high school soccer teammates). 

Textbook.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Stuff I Watch: Beagles vs. Cowboys - Sundee Night Football

It's a bird! ........... It's a plane! .............. No, it's just Desean Jackson, there's no bird or plane that looks like that. C'mon.

As a 33 year-old dude whose eyebrow hairs sprout all over the place, I must admit that I am no longer the Philadelphia Beagles fan that I once was. It's not that I don't love football as much as I used to, I still spend my Sundees firmly planted on the couch watching The Red Zone Channel for eight straight hours, but I just don't reallllllyyyyy care if the Beagles win or lose. I'm much more invested in my fantasy team (Hairy Bush) and seeing the precise moment when the guy on The Red Zone Channel's head explodes on live television.

However, the fact that the Beagles played the hated Cowboys last night and have a quarterback with a rocket launcher for an arm combined with the ability to jump over a horse made Sundee Night Football mandatory viewing in our living room (except when Real Housewives came on at 10, when my wife would be allowed to flip during commercials watch almost the entire show causing me to miss Desean Jackson's 91 yard touchdown and subsequent back flop into the endzone which was especially painful for me to miss because I LOVE hot-dogging, show-off type players and sometimes think a 15 yard excessive celebration penalty is totally totally worth it).

Nice of the Morton Salt girl to help Michael Irvin.
There's something about Beagles-Cowboys games that brings out the vitriol in me and clearly I'm not sure if I'm using that word correctly, but I am proud of the fact that I was one of 66,000 fans at The Vet who cheered when Michael Irvin broke his neck. Still, to this day, with my eyebrows flaring over my eyelids to the point where I need to brush them aside in order to see this computer monitor, I feel no remorse for cheering the site of the motionless Irvin. He was after-all, the guy who seemingly invented the "first down point" and has been arrested numerous times for sexual assault and sucking his own crank. Granted, because I celebrated his injury and routinely scream "break his leg!" when Jason Witten catches the ball, I am fully aware that my first child will probably be born with three limbs.

Back to last night's game where the Cowboys honored the dead Don Meridith, who was probably a nice enough fella, but a Cowboy nonetheless and a dead man who I unfortunately never had the honor to spit in the face of. While they had a moment of silence for Dandy Dead Don, I made sure to murmur under my breath that "he was a pu**y" when clearly I'm a pu**y for being scared to write the word "pu**y" in a blog that only women and/or pu**ies like myself read anyway.

Following the moment of (almost) silence, Al Michaels (who in my opinion FUCKING SUCKS) said the only way to describe Dandy Dead Don was "really good fun." Well Al, I've got another way to describe him: FUCKING DEAD. And by the way, Cris Collinsworth, please stop calling Michael Vick, "Mike Vick." He doesn't like you. God I hate white people.  

Cris Collinsworth before becoming good friends with "Mike" Vick.
I was able to calm myself down for a few minutes before Michael Vick launched an absolute bomber to Desean Jackson which caused my phone to blow up with two text messages from white people. One said:

"LOOK AT HOW FAR HE THROWS A FOOTBALL!"

and the other:

"Now this is what I'm talking 'bout!"

I would also like to state for the record that I am totally behind the text revolution. I was one of those people who years ago worked in an office and would complain when someone in the cubicle sitting next to me would send me an email as opposed to just talking to me, but now I totally get it. As far as I'm concerned, this world would be a much better place if people never had to talk to other people again and that especially goes for just about every sports announcer or pregame commentator or Olive Garden waiter who kneels down on the floor and writes his name on my table because he'll "be taking care of me tonight." 

I also can't stand when a waiter or waitress asks me if I've "been here before and know how it works here?" .... "Hmmm, no, I have no idea how it works here. What is this giant laminated piece of paper with all sorts of words on it? Do I point to one of these words and then food will appear? God this place is confusing. Appetizers? Oh, waiter, please tell me how it works here. I'm so very hungry and couldn't possibly figure out how to work this multiple paged, folding document." 

Also, for the record, I think The Olive Garden is an absolutely fantastic restaurant although I haven't been there in about ten years because no one will ever go with me.

I'll tell ya who my wife would go to The Olive Garden with: Stewart Bradley, who dislocated his elbow later in the game, proper karma for flirting with my wife during the first Cowboys drive when he told her that he went to The University of Nebraska.

C'mon, you wouldn't go to this restaurant?
Karma hit back at me in the nine o'clock hour when I gave my wife the remote during commercials and she subsequently flipped to a Lady Gaga music video marathon and then Brokeback Mountain. I'm not kidding, those were our two options on commercials: Lady Goggs and Brokeback Mountain. Apparently Sarah Palin's Alaska with special guests, Kate Gosselin and her eight children couldn't crack the rotation. When I rolled my eyes at Brokeback Mountain, my wife fired back with, "It's actually a beautiful and tragic love story!"

I know it is, Dar. I know it is.

Anyway, the ten o'clock hour featured way too much of The Real Housewives of Atlanta to the point that I missed a long Shady McCoy scamper, Desean Jax's 91 yarder and yelled at my wife even though we have a perfectly good microwave-television upstairs that works just fine. I even threatened to go upstairs around seven times, but couldn't pull myself away from Nene and the girls.

Probably the tardiest person at the party, ever. Kim Zolciak as a teenager.
I guess that's what you get when you choose to watch Bravo instead of Sundee Night Football and cheer when people are temporarily paralyzed and mutter under your breath during moments of silence and make fun of teenage waiters who are just trying to earn a little cash by bringing you endless bowls of salad and breadsticks.

And you also get ridiculously bushy eyebrows.

But c'mon, you gotta admit, Al Michaels absolutely sucks.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Nick Lachey Is Totally Back In My Life

Now where did I put my toe-nail clipper?
If I had to rank boy bands (and I do), 98 Degrees would definitely not be the worst. They wouldn't be the tallest, but they also wouldn't be the worst. These guys would be the worst:

Tito, I'm thinking of wearing my sweater vest with all the buttons for the photo shoot, whaddya think? ........ Sounds good, cause I'm gonna wear my puke green Bob Marley cartoon tee with the sleeves rolled up. Freddy, you wearing the Georgetown skull cap that shows off your ENORMOUS neck? ........ Hellllll yeahhhhhhhh.
But this article isn't about these guys, it's about Nick Lachey and his latest 15 minutes of fame as the new host of the NBC's The Sing Off, which was brought to my attention in an email from my friend The Jedi.

Have you ever watched "The Sing Off?" Saw the second hour of it last night. What the F. It was ridiculous and I was sure you watched it.

If you have not seen it: it's this barbershop quartet / a cappella singing contest like American Idol but the judges are the skinny guy from Boyz II Men, Ben Folds and some really good looking chick that I just learned through http://www.nbc.com/sing-off/ won Dancing With the Stars. 

The difference between a terrible a cappella group and the greatest one ever is impossible for a normal person to distinguish. 

Yup, sold!

For the record, I had not heard of The Sing Off and the Jedi did not spell Boyz II Men entirely correctly in his original email. He got the "II" part right, but spelled Boyz with an "s" as opposed to a "z." Regardless, my Monday nights are no longer free to watch football. Plus, I noticed that this Monday night at 9, Mariah Carey is having a one hour special where she'll sing pregnant Christmas songs.

Mariah's beard and Santa's hair both styled by Nick Arrojo
Lachey however is not limiting himself to hosting barbershop singing contests (nor should he) as I flipped on Live With Regis and Kathie Lee this morning to find him guest co-hosting with Kelly Ripa. I would also like to state for the record that my wife does NOT watch Live With Regis and Kathie Lee because she has a JOB and the show is DUMB and thus Live With Regis and Kathie Lee is not an officially endorsed TV My Wife Watches program. It is however a TV I Like To Watch While Unemployed or Home Sick With Mono When I Was In 8th Grade program and to be honest, A PRETTY GOOD SHOW!

This morning, Kelly went on some tangent to discuss herself (shocking) and the wax statue that Madame Tussauds is making of her. In Kelly's defense, she did kind of have a funny joke when she said that a wax statue of her was pretty redundant. In fact, I actually think Kelly is sort of funny / likable except she is always sitting in positions that make her seem to be absolutely freezing. Her arms will be folded or she'll be shivering or hunched over, similarly to a frail grandmother or starving teenager at her Bat Mitzvah. Lachey responded to Kelly by saying that he already had a wax statue made of him (in a strip mall in the Philippines) where apparently 98 Degrees is HUGE. This is hardly surprising considering TV My Wife Watches is also huge in the Philippines (two hits from there last week!).   

I also defy you to spell Philippines correctly. How many L's? How many P's? My middle name is Philip and I seriously had to ask my mother how to spell it when I was applying for a job in my twenties.

Nick Lachey, Bristol Palin and Serena Williams pose for a photo op.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I do know that thanks to unemployment I just saw The Situation give Nick Lachey secrets to a "Killer Ab Workout" while a freezing cold woman with a giant clavicle sticking out of her sweater sat on a stool screaming, "That's what I'm talking 'bout!"  I also know that I will watch anything with a barbershop quartet.

For the record, top 5 boy bands:

1. The Jackson Five
2. Boyz II Men
3. New Edition
4. 112
5. Backstreet Boys

Also, I just watched a little of a New Kids on the Block reunion concert on Palladia from 2010 and I'm 99% sure that Donnie Wahlberg was performing with a backbrace on. And the women in the crowd were honestly SO OLD. One lady had a sign that read, "Donnie, do my breast exam." Oh, and one guy (not Joey, not Donnie, not The Main Guy, but someone else) looks EXACTLY LIKE A HORSE these days and I'M NOT JOKING.

Lastly, this is an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING website and totally worth checking out ... 45 ridiculous pictures of boy bands. Two of my personal favorites below.

I'll take "What is a Buffalo Stance?" for 800 Alex. 

Mr. Milk of Magnesia looks totally normal hovering above them. Totally normal!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Show That Never Ceases To Amaze

Shoulda worn goggles.
Prior to Sundee night, I kinda thought going for shock value might have been a thing of the past. Between Sacha Baron Cohen, The Jackass movies and Mario Lopez still having a career, I figured I'd seen it all. But boy was I wrong. Because last Sundee night I saw a baby shit all over the place.

We've seen gross stuff on television before. We've seen people eating crickets on Fear Factor, we've seen hoarders living in filth, we've seen Kelly Ripa's clavicle, but never before has television shown us a live baby completely shit all over the place.

Your daughter is right to look at you like that, Kelly Ripa.
Even in real life, I've only heard of babies shitting all over the place, like when my friend Gil tells me about his son Nick shitting all over the place. I'll call him up and see if he wants to play raquetball and he'll be all, "Oh, sorry Ev, I can't. My baby just took a shit all over the place." I've also been around friends while they were changing dirty diapers and heard them call from the other room, "Holy shit, Ev! You should really come see this! Whew! That's terrible. My baby just shit all over the place!" But I've never taken them up on it.

Well, thanks to The Real Housewives of Atlanta and Phaedra deciding to have a photo shoot with her naked baby and his little muffin ass, I have now seen what it looks like when a baby completely and totally shits all over the place. It was like a Gallagher show. The most amazing thing that Bravo decided to show (besides a baby's ass exploding) was the shot of Phaedra actually holding her hand under her baby's ass while shit (I believe it was shit, I don't have DVR and didn't have the opportunity to rewind it, but I'm pretty sure it was shit) was HANGING out of Aiden's butt. This shocking sight was trumped only seconds later by Phaedra cleaning off her shit-covered hands with a NAPKIN. I mean, I understand that Aiden's little baby shit is probably some of the cleanest shit out there, but Phaedra, SHOULDN'T YOU FIND A SINK?!?! ... How about one of those industrial sinks that are only found in high school art classrooms with water color brushes everywhere? Couldn't she find one of those?!?! ... Let's move on to some other baffling stuff that this show had to offer.

Kim's lesbian girlfriend, Tracy. All right, let me just start by saying that I am VERY lesbian friendly. In fact, I have always gotten along extremely well with lesbians (and I'm talking all types of lesbians, from softball players to democrats) and I feel the need to preface this because I'm about to make fun of a lesbian and anytime one makes fun of a minority it is imperative that they make it clear that they like have no problems with said minority. But Kim's lesbian girlfriend Tracy definitely has something wrong with her, right? I can't tell; she's either retarded, constantly drunk, foreign or has a speech impediment, or she may be completely and totally deaf, it's very confusing. But clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with her speech patterns. If she is in fact deaf or retarded or has any other physical ailment, then I certainly feel for her, but it would certainly explain a lot about this relationship and one's attraction to Kim. That being said, she's probably a lovely person and has an innate ability to turn a double play.

I'm always amazed at how cool athletes' signatures are.
Staying with the whole lesbian theme, Sheree is looking more and more like a man these days with her Manny Pacquiao arms. I don't get females' fascination with having definition in their arms. For some reason, so many women find having defined muscles to be insanely attractive whereas men much prefer boobs and more boobs. Kelly Ripa, Madonna, Adam Lambert, all of these ladies need to calm down with their weight training. Sheree's combination of working out and menopause is making her look more and more like a horse every day.

When did I become so judgmental?!?! And since when has "judgmental" been spelled without an "e" after the "g"?

These ladies love chicks with guns.
Some other quick thoughts:

- Kim's voice coach is AMAZING at her job, because Kim is a HORRIFIC singer and if they are able to make a hit out of this "Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" song, then I am hiring a musical coach STAT and recording some songs for my debut album, "The Monn: Unloaded." Actually, in case you didn't know, I did actually once release an album (cover) a few years ago without any songs on it. I sold zero copies.

Just laying back in the cut.
- Peter further cemented himself as Captain Cranky Pants and is very quickly climbing the ranks of the all-time reality jerks. The way he treated Cynthia was totally uncalled for and I hope she either divorces him or gets impregnated by an Atlanta Falcon STAT.

- HOWEVER, I totally understand Peter's reaction towards Nene when she called Cynthia and asked to speak to Peter to see if he had a problem with her. Long story short, Peter was having a rough day(s) and when he saw Nene at an event, he was not his normal friendly self. Nene, who was also having a rough day(s) was frustrated at this and later called Peter to see if there was a problem. Peter was so put off to having to deal with this ridiculous phone call that he was very curt with Nene and unfortunately added fuel to the fire to where a non-issue has now become an issue.

This was a classic male-female confrontation that could easily have been avoided by either having a woman CALM THE FREEPS'D DOWN or having a male handle the situation by just smiling and nodding and saying the right things.

I always loved these two!
Peter was frustrated because he HAD NO PROBLEM with Nene, was just having a bad day and that was that. He did not see a reason for a phone call, didn't see a reason to have to explain himself and certainly wasn't prepared for his friend (Nene) to call him up with some unnecessary drama. Dudes don't do this. They don't call a fella up after having an argument and say, "Yo, we still cool?" It's unnecessary. We're still cool. There's no reason to air it out, no reason to get all crazy, just chalk it up as one of us having a rough day and that's that. Women on the other hand (in this case The Neen Machine) need that element of compassion and understanding and positive reinforcement. Nene was fishing for Peter to say, "No Nene, we're fine. I'm sorry you thought I was upset at you, it's all good, our relationship is very important to me, I love your sense of style and ability to pair contrasting colors in your headbands and nail colors," but Peter is a stubborn jerk and wasn't about to do that. He is after all on a reality show and has the beard of a fox. Nene also came after him in a VERY aggressive manner which was totally uncalled for.

Overall ruling: Nene was wrong to be so aggressive and Peter was wrong to fire back with even more venom. Also, as a grey-bearded fox who has undoubtedly been with a woman before, Peter should be more seasoned in the ways of dealing with a crazy person and should have just taken that battle on the chin and lived to fight another day. Judge Judy rules in favor of Nene, who is still my favorite person in the world.

Judge Judy ... softball player?

Hard to tell.