Monday, April 25, 2016

Game of Frones S:6:E1: Five Reasons This Show is Bullshit

Do you think that's real dirt on her neck? I don't.


I know, I know, the red hot Fire Lady showed off her San Antonio Saggers -- and we'll get to that, we'll certainly get to that -- but there were a few other things that are worth discussing from last night's season premiere of GAME OF FRONES.

I think I'm going to start capitalizing GAME OF FRONES whenever I write the words GAME OF FRONES. It just seems like the right thing to do. Kind of like when you say the word WOWZERS. Not like you ever say WOWZERS, but if you did (and you don't), you would never just say the word wowzers. You might say WOWZERS BOWZERS. I know I would (and just did). Honestly who gives a shit. Who gives a shit about anything anyone ever does on this stupid planet.

BUT BACK TO GAME OF FRONES.

I read a review this morning in the NEW YORK TIMES (that's another one worth capitalizing) that basically just recapped the episode for anyone who didn't see it. I mean, that's not why people read recaps. It's not like you wake up in the morning and you're like, "I missed GAME OF FRONES last night! Oh well, forget about On Demand, I'll just read the recap." No. You want insight. You want ANALysis. That's why you come to TVMWMWMWWWWW. At least that's why I think you come here. I seriously have no idea why you come here.

YES I DO.

It's for my world famous hard hitting GAME OF FRONES breakdowns. So let's break some stuff down. Ugh, it took four paragraphs to introduce this post. That's way too long. OMG STOP COMPLAINING.

That Jon Snow "TRAITOR" sign was a piece of shit. 

Most obvious font I've ever seen.

Dude, this show has a multi-million dollar budget. They can do all sorts of ill shit. They've made dragons and castles and chicks with webbed feet. You're telling me they couldn't make a more realistic-looking "Traitor" sign? It's all crooked. And dumb. And looks like one of those "KEEP OUT" signs you might see at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World. Does that ride even exist? It must. Look at that font. What a stupid font. Fonts are very important. I like Garamond.

Theon and Sansa would've died walking through that freezing cold river AND YOU KNOW IT. 

I don't care how many dicks you've had chopped off, there is no way anyone could walk through such freezing cold water without dying immediately. But Theon and Sansa just gave a couple gasps and next thing you know, they're shivering under a tree. Stop it. I stepped in water in my socks during my Passover sedar Friday night and didn't shut up about it all night. I legit took my socks off under the table and tried to warm-squeeze my foot during the Four Questions. It didn't work. Once a sock is soaked, it's soaked. This television show is dumb. So is matzoh. JK I love matzoh. I don't know why I just said that. I'm sorry, matzoh. I am currently apologizing to matzoh.

Yooooooooo, the Pineapple People! 

I couldn't find a good picture of the Pineapple People I wanted to show,
but here's a picture of these Pineapple People (who are now dead). 

They fucking sliced and diced, didn't they?! Jesus Christ. It's like, even though on this show mofos are constantly jamming sticks in people's throats, you're still never prepared for a lady to jam a stick through a guy's throat. And that lady didn't even jam a stick in the guy's throat, she jammed it through his skull. That seems a bit far-fetched. Dragons and midgets and a guy turning into a bird, I can believe in that, but you can't jam a stick through a man's brain. That's just science. Or maybe you can. What do I know? I'm just a world famous local celebrity who was asked to appear on Philadelphia sportstalk radio last night.

Only three retweets? C'mon. 

Regardless, apparently the Pineapple People are not called the Pineapple People (they're just called people from Dorne) and those three chicks who jam sticks through people's skulls are called Sand Snakes. It's amazing what you can learn from the NEW YORK TIMES.

Anyway, I googled the word Pineapple People and this is what came up:

That's definitely a pineapple person.

Poor guy.
I can't stop staring at her foot. 


Sure, the Fire Lady's titties were saggin' and laggin', but the real highlight was seeing her va-jinn jinn jinner. 

It's not every day that you see an old lady's va-jinn jinn jinner. In fact, I don't know if I've ever seen an old lady's va-jinn jinn jinner. That was really somethin'. And I was totally cool seeing it, but they really pulled one over on us didn't they? Flashing the word "nudity" up there during the opening HBO title slide thingie and then holding off 'til that final scene. I would say that I was disappointed, and at the time I was, but looking back it was obviously amazing. So thank you, HBO, for pushing the envelope. It's nice to see Liza Minelli working again.

I kinda wanted to see the Dothrakis fuck that chick in her butt. 
You know you did too. 

Happy Passover.





Yo for real, I was on WIP Sportstalk Radio last night. This dude Andrew Porter hosts a show on there and follows me on Twitter and liked my 700 Level post about Carson Wentz so he asked me to go on the air to talk about it. I have no idea how the interview went because no one I know listened to it. I did talk about sending dork pics on the internet though. So there's that. You can listen to it here. And you can read my Carson Wentz post here. Or you can check out this frog dog. That's probably the better move. It's a frog dog. When have you ever seen that before? 


Friday, April 15, 2016

Quiz: How Flyer'd Up Are You?

Calm down please. 

1. Are you Flyer'd up?

a) Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

b) Gotta be honest, I was a little Flyer'd up before last night's game, but now I'm not quite as Flyer'd up as I was before. I also have no idea if a one-legged duck swims in circles. I guess it does. Sad for that duck.

c) If the whole point of this quiz is to determine how Flyer'd up I am, why would you make the first question "Are you Flyer'd up"? Shouldn't the quiz basically end now? Regardless, yeah, sure, I guess I'm somewhat Flyer'd up -- Flyer'd up enough to at least clicked on this link in the first place. But I was not expecting the answers on this quiz to be this long. Can we calm down with the long answers going forward? This is an internet quiz not the SATs. Thank you.


2. Do you know any players on the Flyers roster?

a) Personally? 7.

b) I know they have a black guy.

c) I am a black guy.


3. Do you own any Flyers gear? 

a) YEPS. In fact, I wore orange and black to work yesterday. And plan to wear it pretty much every day this week. I also have a little Flyers teddy bear in my cubicle and made my desktop background on my computer Wayne Simmonds. My name is Donna. I work with Evan in the accounting department at his job. He doesn't work in accounting, I do. He wanted me to make that clear so you didn't think he was the type of dorf who would work in accounting. I am an incredible person and once won 1st place in a fishing contest and came in on Monday morning with pictures of my winning fish to prove it. I unfortunately am not on Twitter.

b) Pretty sure I have a Flyers t-shirt buried somewhere in my closet. I could maybe find it this week. Probably won't though. Probably won't.

c) Like I said, I am a black guy.


4. What are your thoughts on Guns N' Roses?

a) WELCOME TO THE JUNG I like them. I like them a lot. I am from New Jersey.

b) Ugh, I have never understood their whole appeal and feel like they're partially responsible for ruining my sexual potential as a teenager. Plus, the whole grunge era, with the flannel shirts and the ripped jeans, what the hell was that? And yes I realize that G n' R was not part of the grunge era, but it's all the same thing, because the annoying people who listened to Guns N' Roses in middle school were the dorks who got into Pearl Jam later in high school. Plus, pretty much every chick at my high school wore Doc Martins and baggy shirts and that was just unfair compared to today's teenagers who wear nothing but yoga pants. I did not receive my first handjob until I was 16. Thank you, Lisa Cohen. Wherever you are.

c) Starting to think that you've never met a black guy.


5. Are you Wayne Simmonds?

a) No.

b) The game show host?

c) That's racist (and yes).

--------------------

RESULTS!

If you answered mostly A's: you are in fact very Flyer'd up and probably follow Doc Pizza on Twitter
If you answered mostly B's: you are an INCREDIBLY sexy blogger / local celebrity
If you answered mostly C's: you are Wayne Simmonds

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Bach: Oh We Back on That Again

RIP Red Velvs.

Before we discuss the fact that a woman brought a horse into a house, we need to talk about the ridiculous outdoor furniture that they have at the Bachelor mansion.

I mean, couches? They have outdoor couches? I didn't even know they made outdoor couches -- with like, cushions and shit. Is it normal for a homeowner in Southern California to keep couches OUT-SIDE of their home? Because that's just preposterous on sooooo many levels.

Here in Philly, my outdoor furniture consists of two mildew-stained camping chairs that swallow you whole the second you sit down -- and a disgusting orange milk crate. And you know what? It's perfect! Because spending time outside is stupid. Between the freezing cold winters, mosquito-filled summers and my shithead 8-year-old neighbor Brendan, I can't remember the last time I spent more than seven straight minutes outside. The other day I was raking leaves and Brendan came up to me and was like "GIMME FIVE, ELVAN" and I was like, "You have so much cream cheese in your braces how do you have that much cream cheese in there," and he was like "Too slow!" and I was like "I didn't even try to slap your hand" and he was like "Your beard looks like shit!" and I was like "IT'S IN THE IN BETWEEN STAGE."

Ugh, no one likes that kid. Not my wife. Not the girls who live next door. Not even his own stepmother. I know this because when Brendan and his family moved in a few months ago she introduced herself to me as his "stepmother" which is code for "I need you to understand that this kid is NOT my biological son and I HATE him." Anyway, fuck Brendan, fuck being outside and wow I sure am taking advantage of being able to curse on my own blog as opposed to all that clean shit I gotta write for those prudes over at The 700 Levvy, aren't I?

But enough about me and my diarrhea-filled mouth, I guess we have to talk about the actual show, don't we?
Comfortable for ohhhhhhh, I dunno, 18 seconds?

The most amazing thing about that lady bringing a horse into a house was not that she brought a horse into a house, it was the fact that she was worried that the horse might barf all over the carpets. Ummmm, lady, clearly there's no carpeting inside the Bachelor mansion. It's hardwood and stone tile only! No wonder she got sent home the first night. Also her name was Maegan!

As far as the other chicks: we've seen it all before, Lace. You're not that special. (Although that whole "Look at me. Look at me. I'm the captain now" shit was straight bonks.) The local news anchor? Whatevs. Super hot chick bores nation to sleep! More at 11! Even though you'll be asleep by 9:30!

And then there's the Bach himself. Besides the fact that he's a white person, Ben does seem to have some likable qualities. He played football and basketball in high school, has a decent sense of humes and his teeth really did look in tip top shape. Although to tell you the truth, he seems a litttttttttttttttle too attached to his parents, which in my book (which is not real, because I have literally never read or owned a book) is a red flag. I mean, if a guy can talk to his mother on the phone without mouthing the words "fuck you" over and over again as she's talking, something's seriously wrong with him.

I mean, look, Ben means well, but he's got a few things to learn if he wants to become a bonafide Bach extraordinaire. There are some basic ground rules that all Bach'es should follow: keep the ripping sluts around, get rid of the total snoozes and never waste your time with a disgusting virgin. 

For examp, any chick who falls into any one of these three categories needs to be sent home IMMEDIATELY if not sooner.

- Any woman who refers to somewhere as her "happy place" (just like Lauren did, talking about the beach). I once went out to dinner with a chick who told me that Martha's Vineyard was her "soul space." The date lasted around 16 more seconds and 15 of those seconds were just me screaming at the top of my lungs.

- Any woman who works as a Software Sales Rep (like Caila, the lady from Boston with the absolutely horrible kitten heeled shoes WITH THE STRAPS?!). I mean, how boring of a person do you have to be to go into software sales? What is software sales? Ugh, I don't even care. Those shoes. 

- Any woman who says her kids are the "most amazing kids" (like Amanda, the very sexy mother of two who is "ready to start dating again" on a nationally televised game show. It's not that her kids aren't amazing. Maybe they are. But most likely they're just normal stupid kids who only eat chicken fings. The "most amazing kids" are the ones who can breakdance and/or fart all over other kids' faces.


Oh, Mesnick.

On the other hand, if a woman checks any of these boxes, marry her as soon as possible.

- A black chick (especially if she knows how to shoot a gun, like Jubilee, the hottest chick who has ever been on this show and that is a #FACT).

- A redhead (especially one who refers to herself as Red Velvs despite having low self esteem and VERY milky skin). 

- A foreign person (like Shushanna, who is DEFINITELY into hardcore choking/spitting/spelunking).

- Literally any woman with a working vagina.

Unfortunately, Ben failed miserably on his first night, keeping the virgj and sending the milk of magnesia home.

It's like he's never watched the show before.

What a lucky, lucky dude.






Well, there you have it, the Bach -- and TVMWMWMMMWWMWMW -- is back. Ugh, I wonder how long this will last. Next Monday is the College Football National Championship Game, so maybe I'll watch that instead? Ugh, who am I kidding? We both know I have zero control over my remote control. See you next week. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

Downton Horseby S:6 Ep:1 -- Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce

New year. Same snauce.

Welcome to another season of Downton Horseby, TV’s hardest hitting horse drama besides Say Yes to the Horse. As always, I'm joined by my good pal, Turbo Timmy, the only person I know who has watched Making a Murderer and can talk to me about it. 


I like horse!

But enough of all this jibber jabber, let's get to this week's Primetime Performer presented by A1® Steak Snauce!


EVSTER: A lotta great performances to start off this season. Obviously the horses did a great job, as did the dogs, but that's to be expected, they've been carrying this show for a long, long, long time. Nice to see Daisy pop off! She's still got it. As does Mr. Carson, who proved that he and Mrs. Hughes have no idea what marriage is really like. But my week 1 Primetime Performer presented by A1 Steak Snauce goes to our very own Turbo Timmy who popped the questch to his (JEWISH) girlf this past weekend. Congrats, Turbs! If you have any questions going forward about Passover, borscht or what it's like to sleep on the couch for eight straight months, let me know!

TURBO TIMMY: Thanks, Ev. I didn't watch Downton yet though. Got some bootleg movies sent to me recently so I watched Spotlight and Joy last night.

EVSTER: Great workin' with ya, Turbs!

Nice lats!

Well, I guess TVMWMWMWMW is back in biz. While you're here, why not read a bunch of our old Downton Abs posts? Or check out this lamp my wife is thinking about buying. Seems like a pretty #nice #lamp. Also, I'd say there's a 74% chance that I'll be writing Bach recaps again this year. I'm sorry.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Quest to find The Kobester

Yes that's Metta World Peace and yes this was amazing. 

Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe Kobe. Here's my latest video for The 700 Level Show where I try to track down my old pal at his last game in Philly. 

Also, here's an old link to a post my buddy Feddd and I once wrote about playing with #DA #BLACK #MAMBA. 




Thursday, October 29, 2015

Jeffpardy!

Well, I found a video that's right up my alley:



Brilliant.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

This Could Be the Best Key & Peele Sketch Ever

If you're not watching Key & Peele, you are living a goddamn lie. I know, I know, there's too many shows to watch: Bones, Scandal, House, Jag, Jagjams, but just shut up for five minutes and watch this new sketch that could be their greatest ever.





Then again, this one could still be my all-time fave.





If you want more more more of Key & Peele, here's a pretty great interview they did with Terry Gross in 2013. And here's a squirrel eating some watermelon

Friday, July 17, 2015

7 People Named John Cougar Mellencamp who are Totally Named John Cougar Mellencamp

Holy shit

As a spinoff from my post on The 700 Level today, "Seven Beach Activities That Don't Completely Suck," I figured I'd write another top seven list.

Here you go:

1. John Cougar Mellencamp
2. John "The Cougar" Cougar Mellencamp
3. John Coogs aka Johnny Coogs aka John Cougar Mellencamp Jr.
4. John Cougar Mellencamp Jr.
5. John Bon Joogar Cougar Mellencamp Joogior
6. Johnny Johnny Boom Sauce Cougar Mellenmelon
7. Baloney Butt Bob

Thanks for reading, everybody!