Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Juan Pabs and Whatsherface to Appear on Couples Therapy Which Apparently is a Show

Row 1: Shia Labuef & Ke$ha, Nicki & Juan Pabs
Row 2: Treach & his mom?, John Cena & Blondie
Row 3: Cosmo Kramer & Holly Robinson Peete,
Smiley Guy & Lady Person

Obviously I don't know shit about shit, but there's some show called Couples Therapy on VH1 tonight and Juan Pabberstein is going to be on it.

The show is hosted by a lady named Dr. Jenn, an actual doctor who spells her name with two Ns, and puts pictures of herself on the internet that look like this:



That's actually a pretty smart move -- keep the sun rays off your face.

Anyway, I will most likely not be watching this show tonight and that's obviously a lie.

Blogpost!

Get your goddamn shoes off the couch, boiiyyyyyyyyyy!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

2014 TV Fall Season Preview / Just a Post About Shows I'm Watching / Who Cares

RIP George Papadoppps

Summer is finally over.

Thank GAWD.

Enough with the sweating and the mosquitoes and the shooting black teenagers in their heads. Finally we can get back to doing what we were put on this earth to do... shooting black teenagers! I mean, watching televorsion!

There's some great shows coming to TV this fall: Rain Man the sitcom; Four Guys and a Dog; Frorvsville! (really looking forward to that one), but here are a few others that are 100% TVMWMWWWWMW approved.

Best Show That You Should Absolutely Be Watching But Don't Get Mad at Me if You Don't Like It

Jonah from Tonga, HBO

A spinoff of Chris Lilley's Summer Heights High, Jonah from Tonga is hilaaaarrrrrrious. (For those of you who are like, "Ev, what the fuck are you talking about?" Chris Lilley is an Australian actor/writer/comedian who has had a bunch of shows on HBO where he plays like a million characters, kinda like Eddie Murphs. Summer Heights High is probably his most well-known show, about a public high school in Australia, and Jonah (a Tongan aborigini teenager) is his funniest character and a total, total shithead. The show follows Jonah (Chris Liley) and his crew around as they curse off teachers, dick tap each other and breakdance right in people's fat faces. Highly recommended for those of you who like British-type humour, dumb teenage bullshit, and shows that don't suck butt. For the record, my wife has never once watched this show with me. Ever.






Best Show to Watch with Your Wife or Partner or Someone Who Doesn't Want to Watch Thursday Night Football Every Goddamn Thursday Night

Married, FX

This show sounds supes lame: a stupid couple in their late 30's struggle with raising kids and being old and shit, but it's actually really really funny and dark. Married stars Nat Faxon (Ben and Kate, writer of The Descendants) and some blonde lady (Arrested Development, those Sprint Framily commercials) as the main couple where the dude is obviously an idiot and his wife constantly gets mad at him. It also stars the lady who plays Mona Lisa on Parks 'N Rec and she's amazing. Overall the show is very, very good and not nearly as lame as it sounds which I admit sounds lame as butt.






Best Show to Watch On Demand Even Though You Might Not Get Starz

Party Down, Starz

One of the best sitcoms of alllllll tiiiiiiiime. SAID. This jawn was only on the air for two seasons because the world is a sad and disappointing place. Party Down is about a group of struggling actors who work as caterers in between auditions and shit. The show stars Adam Scott (Parks 'N Rec, absolutely everything, like literally everything) as Henry, a dude who had five minutes of fame after starring in a beer commercial and owning the catch phrase, "Are we having FUN yet?" It also has Ken Marino (the State, Wanderlust, Wet Hot American Summer, Burning Love, funniest dude ever) who plays crew chief Ron Donald (I mean, that's a good enough reason to watch right there, the guy's name is Ron Donald) and has dreams of one day opening his very own Soup R' Crackers, the fastest growing non-poultry, non-coffee franchise in Southern California. Honestly the show is fucking amazing and filled with an amazing cast: Jane Lynch (from all of Christopher Guest's shit and Glee), Lizzie Kaplan (Masters of Sex, va va va voom), the weirdo/adorable dude Bill from Freaks and Geeks/every Judd Apatow movie ever, the lady who played Sarah Marshall, all sorts of other ill muthafuckaz. Great show. Great cast. Great ending of this paragraph.






Stand Up Comedy Show That's Currently on my DVR but I Haven't Watched Yet for a Really Lame Reason

Katt Williams Priceless: Afterlife, HBO

Besides being maybe the best physical comedian out there, Katt Williams is hood as a muhg. This latest special was directed by Spike Lee, which I guess means something, and the only reason my wife and I haven't watched it yet is because her stupid friend Aubre said she'd come over with her stupid boyfriend to watch it, but they're too busy sucking each other's butts and I hate her.






Stand Up Comedy Show Coming Soon So Set Your Goddamn DVR for October 4th

Jerrod Carmichael, HBO


I saw this guy at Odd Ball Fest this summer and he was my possibly my favourite (in a lineup that included Louie CK, Dave Attell, Sarah Silvs, Hannibal Burress and Chris D'Elia). He's super relaxed and cool, kinda like Dave Chappelle, without the wacky shit. Honestly he's nothing like Dave Chappelle. He's just black. Whatever, he's about to blow up. Watch his special. Or don't. I seriously, seriously, seriously don't give a shit about anything you ever do.






Have you been reading my goddamn sports column every Friday on The 700 Level dot com? If not, I don't blame you, it's honestly not that exciting. JK IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. So if you want to read some ill ass shit, check out some stuff here. Or just look at this pic of a lady dressed up as a naughty giraffe. That's what I'd do, obviousslslsyylyyyyyy.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

TVMWWMWMWWWWW ON DA COVER OF US WEEKLY!


Details at 11!

Not really!

No idea what I'm going for here!

Hi everybody!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Real Reason Farmer Chris Got Sent Home

Horse and horse. 

Yeah yeah yeah, this blog still exists, get over it... we've got a shitty-ass TV show to talk about.

Look, we all know this seez of da Bachelorette has been a colossal failure. There's no getting around that. No matter how Chris Harrison spins it, or what hilarrrrriousssss moments took place -- remember when that one guy wore PANTS?! -- nothing will change the fact that this seez has been lame as butt. Dorf has been a dorf. Cody might be (the key word there is might be) certifiably retarded. Markus's chest hair was dope, I'll give him that, but everything else about this year sucked, and Monday's Men Tell All episode was the ultimate suckfest (even though Ashley's preggo tits were out of control).

But I don't care about Ashley's tits. I mean, I obviously care about her tits, but I don't really care about her tits. The reason I am back from my blogging hiatus is to talk about something that happened the week BEFORE, when Dorf went on her #horse date with Chris the Farmer. Something happened on that date that left me completely flibber-flabbled and I just had to talk about it on the internet to a bunch of strangers who literally have nothing better to do than read this blog.

For those of you who don't watch the show -- DIE. ALL OF YOU, DIE. -- last week, the Bachelorette and some white guy went on the standard #horse date where they rode around on horses and laughed about horses and had a picnic-style lunch (without sharing any of their food with their horses). Then, after laughing and smiling and not paying nearly enough attention to the horses, they ditched the horses so they could go and have private time. During this mid-date break, Chris filmed his on-air interview and uttered a statement that two weeks after the fact, I still cannot understand.

Farmer Chris told the cameras, "I'm so excited to be with Andi tonight. No horses."

No horses.

That was the key to the evening portion of the date.

Not being around horses.

Now first of all, how could "no horses" ever be better than horses? Think about every situation you've ever been in and how much better it would've been had horses been a part of it. Your prom. Your first job interview. The NBA Draft. Imagine Jay Bilas interviewing Julius Randle while a giant horse stood over Julius's shoulder. Just chillin', eating oats, wearing a Lakers hat, being a horse, looking absolutely adorable. Are you telling me that wouldn't be better than just hanging out with a white woman? Who wouldn't want that? Farmer Chris, that's who. A guy could not WAIT to ditch a couple o' good ole fashioned horses.

What was he hoping to accomplish that he couldn't have done with horses? It's not like horses care about anything. They literally have enormous heads.

FARMER CHRIS:  Oh Andi, I want you so badly. I want to just ravage you. It's just...

DORF:  What, Chris?

FARMER CHRIS:  I dunno, I just... I just can't.

DORF:  What, Chris? Tell me.

FARMER CHRIS:  It's Butterscotch and Ringo.

DORF:  What about them? Their heads? I know. They're so big and hilarious. I've literally never seen anyth--

FARMER CHRIS:  No, no. I like their heads. I really like their heads. I dunno, I just can't... you know. Not in front of them.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. They're just horses. C'mere. They don't care if we...

BUTTERSCOTCH:  Neighhhhhghhhhhh!!!

FARMER CHRIS:  Butterscotch, please.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  NEIGHGHGGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  I just wish we were alone, Andi. That's all. Like back in Iowa.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. It's just you and me here, I promise. Stick your tongue in my mouth. I wanna feel how warm you are.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  BLLLEERERRRBBSSSBBFFLFPPSSSSHSHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  Chris, ignore them. Take me. Take me now.

Horse lets out a giant horse fart.

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  I actually think that was Ringo.

CHRIS:  RINGO!!!

DORF:  Don't yell at Ringo! He's very sensitive!!

Ringo lifts up his tail and shits all over a cabbage. 

CHRIS:  WHY DO THEY HAVE TO ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING?

Chris runs away with his arms straight by his side and tramples through like 18 piles of horse shit as he leaves. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but let it be known that Chris was sent home later that night without getting the opportunity to have sex with a woman on national television. Frankly, I'm not surprised. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who so excited to not hang out with horses. I liked Chris this year. I really did. But I totally understand why Dorf sent him home. What I don't understand is how those people in the Men Tell All studio audience didn't barf all over themselves the second Ashley and JP took the stage.

Those two are fucking disgusting.

I'm also not sure if she truly understands that he's actually Jewish.







Thursday, July 3, 2014

Bridget Everett: Y'all Need to Recognize

Slim ankles doe.

So the wife and I was watchin Inside Amy Schumer last night -- and if you're not watching that show, you are living a goddamn lie -- and at the end of the ep, Amy introduced this lady, Bridget Everett, who is a singer/rapper/ill-nana comedienne who will blow your butt all over your face.

Check out her clips below.

She's my new favorite dime piece. The W and I bought tix to see her in NYC on August 6.

WHO'S COMIN WIT ME?!

AAWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (that's a wolf noise)











Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette is Racist as a Muhgg

"That's the beauty of it. I grab a dog, and I choke him,
and I kick the shit out of him. All day long
my foot up a dog's ass."

Last night, Bachelorette Andi Dorfberg sent home the black guy because she’s a racist ass bitch. The black guy she sent home, The Black Guy, was by far the only tolerable human being on this show – he was funny, well-dressed, a good dancer, he liked cookies -- and now that I think about it, that describes pretty much every black person ever. And yet Dorf still sent him home.

This came as a shock to absolutely no one considering Dorf has proven herself time and time again to be the type of person who has no idea how fun it is to have sex with a black guy. Of the seven dudes left on the show (I have no idea how many dudes are left, I’m just saying seven because honestly who gives a shit), one guy wears colored pants, one guy likes mashed potatoes and one guy claims that where he comes from, you NEVER mock a man for being thankful.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Put the toilet seat down you insensitive prick!

And yet they're all still there, poppin' around the world like Mary Ping Pong Poppins, while fighting for the love of a white lady. The Black Guy has no idea how lucky he really is. 

If you asked this world famous up-and-coming television blogger who also has a weekly sports column on a very popular Philadelphia website and over 1,000 (yep, that's One Thou-zand) Twitter followers, I’d choose The Black Guy to be the next Bach. But unfortunately, Chris Harrison and the rest of the white people running ABC would never let that happen because all they're concerned with is chugging grade-A certified cockkkkkkkkkkk.

This show fucking sucks like thirteen butts this year. I'm starting to think maybe it has always sucked butt. And that one guy JJ might seriously be retarded.

This guy's clearly retarded, right?

Thank you for visiting my blog I truly appreciate it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

This New A1® Steak Sauce Commercial is NOT Horrible

I work in advertising (REALLY, EV? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT), and time and time again, companies like to play it safe and put out lame ass TV spots. But not my homies over at A1® Steak Sauce. Those muthafuckaz are renegades. Check out their new Facebook jawn, launching a rebrand that will OBLITERATE EVERYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT STEAK SAUCE.


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Observations From a Park Bench While Watching Some Shithead Kid Feed the Pigeons

Get some, little guy! Get some!

Every day at lunchtime, my stupid co-workers from my stupid office gather at the lunch table to talk about their stupid, lunch-filled lives. Each person sits with their phone flat down in front of them, periodically swabbing the screen and punching in their SECRET CODE to see if anyone's reached out to them. Some people bring their own salad dressing. Everyone sucks their own butt. To be honest they're all very nice and personable. I consider some to be very dear friends.

But I've never understood why someone would want to spend their only free hour of their miserable day in the same place that causes so much of that misery. The world around us -- specifically Center City Philadelphia, where my office is located -- is a RIDICULOUS place. This morning a homeless guy yelled at me to "go take a shit!" Last week the same guy told me my name was Larry. How could I not want to be a part of that? The City of Brotherly Lurve!

That's why I always go out for lunch. And this past Monday afternoon, I found the perfect spot to stuff my fat face with a turkey sandwich -- on a shady bench in Rittenhouse Park. I was amazed I found a seat. Right in the shade. All to myself. Directly across from a chick sunning herself. She had on one of those ridiculous bikini bottoms that ties on the sides, and her skin looked like it had never given birth to a baby. Unfortunately, she was flanked by two (2) dudes with their shirts off, both ripped and tattooed, but their backs were facing me and they had no way of catching me staring. So as my mouth watered and my sweat glands kicked in, I shoved clumps of dry, cold turkey into my warm, wet mouth.

It was marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. But then just as I got my mouth-breathing under control, a 4-year-old shithead came by and started throwing Chex Mix at pigeons.

I'm fine with feeding birds. I think they're hilarious. But this kid was feeding them RIGHT in front of me. Like, two feet in front, and he was throwing the Chex Mix directly where everyone was walking. And he was throwing so much Chex Mix. Not just like a sprinkling here and a dash there. Full handfuls, chucking it wherever he could. People were walking by just trampling over it. One guy smashed a pile with his wheelchair.

At first, there were only around two or three pigeons grippin' down. Then four. Then five. To the point where I fully expected to see the entire cast of Winged Migration before the hour was up. But the kid just kept feeding 'em. And feeding 'em! And feeding em!!!

Eventually, he started bending down, holding the food in the palm of his hand and trying to serve any pigeon within arm's reach. It was sort of adorable -- and I could totally see his little buttcrack peepin' out the top of his shorts -- but the pigeons weren't having it. They just kept ignoring the kid, and pecking away at the stuff on the ground, because pigeons are smarter than they appear. The kid wasn't.

Frustrated, he then started to throw the Chex Mix directly at the birds. Not around them. At them. At their measly, little heads. One bird (who was just trying to enjoy his goddamn lunch) kept getting pelted in the neck with crackers. He didn't seem to mind, but I had to step up and say something, on behalf of the entire animal kingdom.

"Dude, you're just nailing them in the head," I said to the kid, whose name wasn't Pedro, but might as well have been. He looked at me blankly. Then went back to the feeding. I laughed and threw my arms up in the air. Luckily, Pedro was running out of ammunition.

Meanwhile, the sunbathing beaut was joined by a FRIEND -- a slightly less attractive friend, but still a friend, with a body and a pulse and that's really all you need -- who then proceeded to slide her shorts down off of her butt, revealing an even SLIMMER bikini than the first chick's. Then she lifted her top over her head in that way that only women do, with both arms criss-crossing upward, until the shirt was off and her head popped out like a synchronized swimmer. I dropped a tomato on the ground. Pedro was oblivious.

He was also out of Chex Mix. But that didn't matter, because Pedro was now using an empty Zip-Loc bag to try and catch the pigeons. He was chasing them around, with the bag held above his head, lunging forward like Marion Butz in Madden '94... when you'd repeatedly press down on the speed burst to get a first down. Pedro caught nothing but air. I could essentially see one of the girl's buttholes.

After a few minutes of TRYING TO CATCH A PIGEON IN A BAG, Pedro took a rest, leaving just me and the girls. But soon he returned with a 20oz water bottle and attempted to spit on the birdies. Sip a little. Spit a little. Sip a little. Spit a little. His mother was changing his sister's diaper.

I wish I had a better ending, but unfortunately I don't. Pedro and his family soon left. The girls just laid there like logs. I made my way back to my soul-crushing cubicle. But for that one short hour -- in a place far away from my computer -- I was reminded of what it's like to be alive.