Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Real Reason Farmer Chris Got Sent Home

Horse and horse. 

Yeah yeah yeah, this blog still exists, get over it... we've got a shitty-ass TV show to talk about.

Look, we all know this seez of da Bachelorette has been a colossal failure. There's no getting around that. No matter how Chris Harrison spins it, or what hilarrrrriousssss moments took place -- remember when that one guy wore PANTS?! -- nothing will change the fact that this seez has been lame as butt. Dorf has been a dorf. Cody might be (the key word there is might be) certifiably retarded. Markus's chest hair was dope, I'll give him that, but everything else about this year sucked, and Monday's Men Tell All episode was the ultimate suckfest (even though Ashley's preggo tits were out of control).

But I don't care about Ashley's tits. I mean, I obviously care about her tits, but I don't really care about her tits. The reason I am back from my blogging hiatus is to talk about something that happened the week BEFORE, when Dorf went on her #horse date with Chris the Farmer. Something happened on that date that left me completely flibber-flabbled and I just had to talk about it on the internet to a bunch of strangers who literally have nothing better to do than read this blog.

For those of you who don't watch the show -- DIE. ALL OF YOU, DIE. -- last week, the Bachelorette and some white guy went on the standard #horse date where they rode around on horses and laughed about horses and had a picnic-style lunch (without sharing any of their food with their horses). Then, after laughing and smiling and not paying nearly enough attention to the horses, they ditched the horses so they could go and have private time. During this mid-date break, Chris filmed his on-air interview and uttered a statement that two weeks after the fact, I still cannot understand.

Farmer Chris told the cameras, "I'm so excited to be with Andi tonight. No horses."

No horses.

That was the key to the evening portion of the date.

Not being around horses.

Now first of all, how could "no horses" ever be better than horses? Think about every situation you've ever been in and how much better it would've been had horses been a part of it. Your prom. Your first job interview. The NBA Draft. Imagine Jay Bilas interviewing Julius Randle while a giant horse stood over Julius's shoulder. Just chillin', eating oats, wearing a Lakers hat, being a horse, looking absolutely adorable. Are you telling me that wouldn't be better than just hanging out with a white woman? Who wouldn't want that? Farmer Chris, that's who. A guy could not WAIT to ditch a couple o' good ole fashioned horses.

What was he hoping to accomplish that he couldn't have done with horses? It's not like horses care about anything. They literally have enormous heads.

FARMER CHRIS:  Oh Andi, I want you so badly. I want to just ravage you. It's just...

DORF:  What, Chris?

FARMER CHRIS:  I dunno, I just... I just can't.

DORF:  What, Chris? Tell me.

FARMER CHRIS:  It's Butterscotch and Ringo.

DORF:  What about them? Their heads? I know. They're so big and hilarious. I've literally never seen anyth--

FARMER CHRIS:  No, no. I like their heads. I really like their heads. I dunno, I just can't... you know. Not in front of them.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. They're just horses. C'mere. They don't care if we...

BUTTERSCOTCH:  Neighhhhhghhhhhh!!!

FARMER CHRIS:  Butterscotch, please.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  NEIGHGHGGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  I just wish we were alone, Andi. That's all. Like back in Iowa.

DORF:  Oh, Chris. It's just you and me here, I promise. Stick your tongue in my mouth. I wanna feel how warm you are.

BUTTERSCOTCH:  BLLLEERERRRBBSSSBBFFLFPPSSSSHSHHH

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  Chris, ignore them. Take me. Take me now.

Horse lets out a giant horse fart.

FARMER CHRIS:  BUTTERSCOTCH!

DORF:  I actually think that was Ringo.

CHRIS:  RINGO!!!

DORF:  Don't yell at Ringo! He's very sensitive!!

Ringo lifts up his tail and shits all over a cabbage. 

CHRIS:  WHY DO THEY HAVE TO ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING?

Chris runs away with his arms straight by his side and tramples through like 18 piles of horse shit as he leaves. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but let it be known that Chris was sent home later that night without getting the opportunity to have sex with a woman on national television. Frankly, I'm not surprised. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who so excited to not hang out with horses. I liked Chris this year. I really did. But I totally understand why Dorf sent him home. What I don't understand is how those people in the Men Tell All studio audience didn't barf all over themselves the second Ashley and JP took the stage.

Those two are fucking disgusting.

I'm also not sure if she truly understands that he's actually Jewish.







Thursday, July 3, 2014

Bridget Everett: Y'all Need to Recognize

Slim ankles doe.

So the wife and I was watchin Inside Amy Schumer last night -- and if you're not watching that show, you are living a goddamn lie -- and at the end of the ep, Amy introduced this lady, Bridget Everett, who is a singer/rapper/ill-nana comedienne who will blow your butt all over your face.

Check out her clips below.

She's my new favorite dime piece. The W and I bought tix to see her in NYC on August 6.

WHO'S COMIN WIT ME?!

AAWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (that's a wolf noise)











Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette is Racist as a Muhgg

"That's the beauty of it. I grab a dog, and I choke him,
and I kick the shit out of him. All day long
my foot up a dog's ass."

Last night, Bachelorette Andi Dorfberg sent home the black guy because she’s a racist ass bitch. The black guy she sent home, The Black Guy, was by far the only tolerable human being on this show – he was funny, well-dressed, a good dancer, he liked cookies -- and now that I think about it, that describes pretty much every black person ever. And yet Dorf still sent him home.

This came as a shock to absolutely no one considering Dorf has proven herself time and time again to be the type of person who has no idea how fun it is to have sex with a black guy. Of the seven dudes left on the show (I have no idea how many dudes are left, I’m just saying seven because honestly who gives a shit), one guy wears colored pants, one guy likes mashed potatoes and one guy claims that where he comes from, you NEVER mock a man for being thankful.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Put the toilet seat down you insensitive prick!

And yet they're all still there, poppin' around the world like Mary Ping Pong Poppins, while fighting for the love of a white lady. The Black Guy has no idea how lucky he really is. 

If you asked this world famous up-and-coming television blogger who also has a weekly sports column on a very popular Philadelphia website and over 1,000 (yep, that's One Thou-zand) Twitter followers, I’d choose The Black Guy to be the next Bach. But unfortunately, Chris Harrison and the rest of the white people running ABC would never let that happen because all they're concerned with is chugging grade-A certified cockkkkkkkkkkk.

This show fucking sucks like thirteen butts this year. I'm starting to think maybe it has always sucked butt. And that one guy JJ might seriously be retarded.

This guy's clearly retarded, right?

Thank you for visiting my blog I truly appreciate it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

This New A1® Steak Sauce Commercial is NOT Horrible

I work in advertising (REALLY, EV? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT), and time and time again, companies like to play it safe and put out lame ass TV spots. But not my homies over at A1® Steak Sauce. Those muthafuckaz are renegades. Check out their new Facebook jawn, launching a rebrand that will OBLITERATE EVERYTHING WE KNOW ABOUT STEAK SAUCE.


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Observations From a Park Bench While Watching Some Shithead Kid Feed the Pigeons

Get some, little guy! Get some!

Every day at lunchtime, my stupid co-workers from my stupid office gather at the lunch table to talk about their stupid, lunch-filled lives. Each person sits with their phone flat down in front of them, periodically swabbing the screen and punching in their SECRET CODE to see if anyone's reached out to them. Some people bring their own salad dressing. Everyone sucks their own butt. To be honest they're all very nice and personable. I consider some to be very dear friends.

But I've never understood why someone would want to spend their only free hour of their miserable day in the same place that causes so much of that misery. The world around us -- specifically Center City Philadelphia, where my office is located -- is a RIDICULOUS place. This morning a homeless guy yelled at me to "go take a shit!" Last week the same guy told me my name was Larry. How could I not want to be a part of that? The City of Brotherly Lurve!

That's why I always go out for lunch. And this past Monday afternoon, I found the perfect spot to stuff my fat face with a turkey sandwich -- on a shady bench in Rittenhouse Park. I was amazed I found a seat. Right in the shade. All to myself. Directly across from a chick sunning herself. She had on one of those ridiculous bikini bottoms that ties on the sides, and her skin looked like it had never given birth to a baby. Unfortunately, she was flanked by two (2) dudes with their shirts off, both ripped and tattooed, but their backs were facing me and they had no way of catching me staring. So as my mouth watered and my sweat glands kicked in, I shoved clumps of dry, cold turkey into my warm, wet mouth.

It was marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. But then just as I got my mouth-breathing under control, a 4-year-old shithead came by and started throwing Chex Mix at pigeons.

I'm fine with feeding birds. I think they're hilarious. But this kid was feeding them RIGHT in front of me. Like, two feet in front, and he was throwing the Chex Mix directly where everyone was walking. And he was throwing so much Chex Mix. Not just like a sprinkling here and a dash there. Full handfuls, chucking it wherever he could. People were walking by just trampling over it. One guy smashed a pile with his wheelchair.

At first, there were only around two or three pigeons grippin' down. Then four. Then five. To the point where I fully expected to see the entire cast of Winged Migration before the hour was up. But the kid just kept feeding 'em. And feeding 'em! And feeding em!!!

Eventually, he started bending down, holding the food in the palm of his hand and trying to serve any pigeon within arm's reach. It was sort of adorable -- and I could totally see his little buttcrack peepin' out the top of his shorts -- but the pigeons weren't having it. They just kept ignoring the kid, and pecking away at the stuff on the ground, because pigeons are smarter than they appear. The kid wasn't.

Frustrated, he then started to throw the Chex Mix directly at the birds. Not around them. At them. At their measly, little heads. One bird (who was just trying to enjoy his goddamn lunch) kept getting pelted in the neck with crackers. He didn't seem to mind, but I had to step up and say something, on behalf of the entire animal kingdom.

"Dude, you're just nailing them in the head," I said to the kid, whose name wasn't Pedro, but might as well have been. He looked at me blankly. Then went back to the feeding. I laughed and threw my arms up in the air. Luckily, Pedro was running out of ammunition.

Meanwhile, the sunbathing beaut was joined by a FRIEND -- a slightly less attractive friend, but still a friend, with a body and a pulse and that's really all you need -- who then proceeded to slide her shorts down off of her butt, revealing an even SLIMMER bikini than the first chick's. Then she lifted her top over her head in that way that only women do, with both arms criss-crossing upward, until the shirt was off and her head popped out like a synchronized swimmer. I dropped a tomato on the ground. Pedro was oblivious.

He was also out of Chex Mix. But that didn't matter, because Pedro was now using an empty Zip-Loc bag to try and catch the pigeons. He was chasing them around, with the bag held above his head, lunging forward like Marion Butz in Madden '94... when you'd repeatedly press down on the speed burst to get a first down. Pedro caught nothing but air. I could essentially see one of the girl's buttholes.

After a few minutes of TRYING TO CATCH A PIGEON IN A BAG, Pedro took a rest, leaving just me and the girls. But soon he returned with a 20oz water bottle and attempted to spit on the birdies. Sip a little. Spit a little. Sip a little. Spit a little. His mother was changing his sister's diaper.

I wish I had a better ending, but unfortunately I don't. Pedro and his family soon left. The girls just laid there like logs. I made my way back to my soul-crushing cubicle. But for that one short hour -- in a place far away from my computer -- I was reminded of what it's like to be alive.

Monday, June 2, 2014

In Honour of Game of Frones: Here's da 4 Most Ridiculously Violent Scenes in Movie History

who cares who cares who cares who cares who cares

Last night on Game of Frones, a guy gouged out another man's eyeballs and then smashed his skull with his bare hands. SOUNDS LIKE AN EPISODE OF THE BACHELORETTE IF YA ASK ME LOL NO IT DOESN'T. Then another dude got his head split open by an axe. Then a guy's corpse was hung on a stick.

Whatever, it was all friggin' stupid -- although we did get to see that light-skinned lady clean her tits in a river, so that was pretty cool. In honor of how absurd everything is in this world, and the fact that I have to sit through two more hours of the Bachelorette tonight, I've embedded some clips below of The Top Four Most Ridiculously Violent Scenes in Movie History.

Enjoy you sickos.

1. King Arthur hacking up the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.




2. The backwoods bing-bong crazy lady slicing up dat poor bunny wabbit in Roger & Me.




3. The centerfielder in The Naked Gun bloopers scene popping his own head off while attempting to climb the outfield wall.




4. Mel Gibs choppin' broccoli in Bravefart.




She choppin' she choppin' she choppin'...




Awesome post, Ev.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Bachelorette: Okay, Now That We've Spent the Last Two Weeks Contemplating Suicide, Let's Talk About this Goddamn TV Show

Fuck you a million times fuck you. 

Before we talk about anything, before we talk about ANYTHING, we have to discuss Cody. The personal trainer. The guy who introduced himself to a national television audience by pushing a LIMOUSINE up the driveway. I don't even know what there is to say about him, but we HAVE TO talk about him. His dipsy-do haircut. His shoulder muscles. His TANK TOP POCKET TEE. Or how 'bout the fact that he's always super excited about everything! My wife actually likes him. Read that sentence again. Go ahead. Just move your eyes slightly back in this paragraph and just read it one more time. I'll wait. SHE ACTUALLY LIKES HIM. Thinks he has a certain "joie de vivre" that makes him fun to be around. And you know what? I AGREE. Personally, I want Cody to stick around for as long as possible. He's already my pick for the next Bach, hands dizzown. He's also the uncontested leader in the clubhouse of dudes who are most likely to tongue Andi's butthole. It's nice to see all of you again, too. It's been too long!

He's so ready!

Other than Cody, whoooooooooooo caaaarrrrrrreeeeeesssssssszzzzzzzz? These other dudes are not even worth talking about. THAT'S. NOT. TRUE. There's Ron. Yep, RON. The light-skinned black dude who grew up in Israel AND Barbados. WHY WOULD HE MAKE THAT UP? Ron is a beverage salesman. He sells beverages. Then there's Tasos and his DIAMOND STUDDED MILLION DOLLAR CHING CHING SUPREME CHING CHING BABY CHING CHING EARRINGS I'M AN ADULT LOOK AT MY EARSIES. I'm sure ladies all over the country are going bonkers for Josh M -- the dreamboat, strong jawed former baseball player who from here on out will obviously be known as "Joshem". Hmmm, anyone else that I missed? OBVIOUSLY. THERE'S SO MANY MORE DUDES. 

How 'bout these two ruffnecks aka Mississippi muffnecks who never made it out da gate:

YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?
THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME.

The first dude, THE DOCTOR, actually said to Andi, upon first meeting her, on national television, he actually said, and I'm not making this up, "I think you're running a fever because you look hot." 

NOPE. 

NUH-UH. 

NO ONE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. 

NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY SAY THAT. 

ON TELEVISION. 

SEE YA, DOC. 

JUST GO HOME RIGHT NOW.


Dorf really shoulda sent him packin' right there. Shoulda just grabbed a baseball bat, slugged him in the face, and sent him on his way. Or that lamp. She coulda easily picked up that lamp -- HOW BOUT THAT LAMP -- and just blasted him. By the by, Lamp Guy bringing that lamp? By far the greatest move in Bachelorette history. The only other move that even came close to that was when Eric fell out of an airplane and died.

OH SHUT UP WHO CARES. 

You gotta think that dying before these episodes aired was the greatest thing that could've happened to that guy. That being said, yes, it's sad that Eric died. And I understand that I'm not supposed to make fun of him. But he is TOO PERFECT and TOO BORING and there is literally nothing he can do about it. I'M SORRY, but Dorf needs a guy with MUSCLES who will tongue her butt whenever she damn well pleases!

SAID.

Back to the Vidal Sassoon all stars. Wow. Camps. The guy up above on the right. He actually asked Dorf to call him "Camps." Shocked that she sent him home. Absolutely shocked.

Any other dudes we need to discuss? I guess there are some dudes who are all right. Marcus, the dude with chest hair, I like him okay. Only because of his chest hair, but I fully support anyone who's 100% MAMMAL. And how 'bout the fact that Dorf has been just THROWIN her pussy at him the whole time. You can't deny it. While he was strippin, she was just chucking it right in his face. During one-on-one time, straight slingin' it. Four-seamers. Off-speed stuff. Right in his wheelhouse. Good for her, though. Good for her. It's honestly the first good thing I've ever seen her do. Taking her vagina and throwing it at a man who she just met non television. I'm proud of you, Dorf. I really am. 

Is that Tommy Herr leading of third? 
WHAT UP, TOMMY HERR?!
P.S. YOU SUCKED!

Dorf's sister is proud of her too. She told her so in the beginning of the first ep. "I'm so proud of you, Andi. Putting yourself out there." Yeah. Forget about the fact that she graduated law school. Or finally got away from her weirdo controlling father. Let's be proud of the fact that she's 'bout to slurp and burp with POCKET TEE TANK TOPTINIS. 

WHY ... I SAY WHY do you read this blog? It's almost like self mutilation at this point. Like I'm writing nothing but drivel and you're reading it and neither of us are getting anything out of it.  

HEY DORF. GREAT TO MEET YOU. I SELL BEVERAGES. 

By the by, Ron... excuse me... RON... after meeting Dorf for the first time and having small talk for no more than 15 seconds, said to her, "All right, I'm gonna head inside, grab a little drink." Oh really, Ron? Is that what you're gonna do? I thought for a sec you might take your moped for a spin down Larchmont Blvd or maybe get in a quick 9 before bedtime. All right, dude. I look forward to seeing you in there. Grab a little drink. I can't WAIT to hear your thoughts on Black Cherry Wishniak.

What else, what else, what else? Oh, yeah, Episode Two, when they all went to the strip club. Two (yep, 2, that's not a misprint) men wore winter hats on that date. Two men. Who are real. Winter hats. On their heads. IN LOS ANGELES. THAT'S IN CALIFORNIA. And how 'bout the guy who ran the strip club, Jean Ralphio Sr., explaining to the guys that "Firefighters are one of the most popular female sexual fantasies." That blew me away. I had no idea. I really didn't. When I asked my wife if that was true, she said, "No. Black dudes are."

SPEAKING OF BLACK DUDES. 

Tiki Barbs, Jr!

Marquel. I obviously like him. Snazzy dresser. He better be good at basketball. And the black and white cookie bit he pulled in the premiere was pretty dope. Where the hell did he get those cookies though? Does he just always travel with cookies? I didn't see him pull any cookies out of the limo. AND THAT WAS A BIG TRAY OF COOKIES. What if he just loved cookies so much and always had to have an entire tray of cookies with him? Like, what if he was a totally normal guy, smart, fun to be around, decent sense of humor, but just wherever he went, he had to bring an entire tray of cookies. And was always offering them to Dorf. I once saw Cookie Monster eat his pencil while writing a letter to Santa Claus asking for cookies.




THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN, FOLKS. 

THIS IS IT.

OH WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD IT IS.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS WHOLE SEEZ?

DOUBLE XX POSSE, TELL 'EM.




Twitter: @TVMWW
Instagram: @SineadOConnorJr