Friday, July 17, 2015

7 People Named John Cougar Mellencamp who are Totally Named John Cougar Mellencamp

Holy shit

As a spinoff from my post on The 700 Level today, "Seven Beach Activities That Don't Completely Suck," I figured I'd write another top seven list.

Here you go:

1. John Cougar Mellencamp
2. John "The Cougar" Cougar Mellencamp
3. John Coogs aka Johnny Coogs aka John Cougar Mellencamp Jr.
4. John Cougar Mellencamp Jr.
5. John Bon Joogar Cougar Mellencamp Joogior
6. Johnny Johnny Boom Sauce Cougar Mellenmelon
7. Baloney Butt Bob

Thanks for reading, everybody!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Mad Men Finale: That Peggy/Stan Love Affair was Complete and Total Bullshit

barfffffffffffffffff

I know I know I know, Mad Men ended like six years ago. But there's something I've been meaning to write about but haven't been able to get to because I am literally the fattest, laziest piece of shit on the planet.

The finale was solid. It was thought-provoking. The whole Coca-Cola thing was bonks. I was obviously a littttttttttle surprised that Don ended up being a horse, but then again -- not to toot my own horn -- look who predicted that way back in 2012.




Monday, April 27, 2015

Songs by Black People that are Way Better than Songs by WhitePeople: "Ride" by Ciara

cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger

Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMWMWWWMWMW where every week (that's what "weekly" means) I'll be breaking down some of the greatest music videos that black people have ever made. These videos are so dope and so hilarious and so bonks that they would make any white person's butt explode. The first in the series, "Ride" by Ciara, is a bonafide jamblanger. If you've never seen the vid, please take 4 minutes and 38 seconds out of your boring white life to watch it now. Thank you.




Okay so first of all, if you're still alive after watching that lady's gyrations then congratulations on not needing a quadruple bypass. Second of all, there is no second of all. Holy shit. The first eight times I watched that vid, I just sat on my couch screaming at my television. Obviously we need to talk about Ciara's hip action. Specifically when she frog kicks whilst slapping the floor like Wojo. And also those Macadamian Squat Thrusts, leaning back and lookin' like the Iron Sheik, except instead of sitting on a dude's back, her ass is hovering in midair like a goddamn angel.

Get over yourself, Hulkster!


Blogging is so stupid. Here's a giraffe.

That's definitely a #giraffe.

Monday, March 16, 2015

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst

I know!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Look, I don't know what the hell you're doing right now, but stop doing it. Just stop. Call your boss. Cancel your appointment at #Great #Clips. Just put your stupid life on hold for a few stinking hours and get to your couch so you can watch HBO's documentary series The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst. It's only six episodes and each ep is only like 45 minnies. You'll be done in no time. I watched every ep last night and it was RIVETING. So go go go! Stop friggin' reading this. Riveting is an understatement. It's about a weird, eccentric rich dude who may have murdered a few peeps in the last 30 years. If you don't have HBO, order it. JUST FUCKING ORDER IT. Or find someone who has an HBO Go password. I have one. I will lend you my goddamn password. Jesus Christ what is taking you so long? It was the most incredible documentary series I've ever seen. Maybe even the most incredible TV/Movie/watching something something I've ever seen. With the most bonkers ending ever. And I am not exaggerating. Why the fuck are you still reading? I hate you so much.

If you are still reading, let it be known that you are now entering SPOILER CITY. So go now. Unless you watched. Then keep reading. But Jesus Fucking Christ are you kidding me?!?!?!

!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Bach: The Most Dramatic Ending to the Most Dramatic Season Ever

RIP you goddamn angel.

All year long, Harrison told us this was the most dramatic season ever. Week in and week out, he stood up there with THE SAME BORING HAIRCUT and delivered this message over and over and over again. We waited, and we watched, and we watched and waited some more, and we left comments on our favorite blog sites, and we even read our favorite blogger's sports blog even though we're not really that into sports -- I mean, sure, yeah, we'll watch it from time to time and March Madness is always cool and the Olympics, sure, love that, love all that, but whatever, we wanted to support him and increase his pageviews because maybe then he could quit his day job and pursue his dream of writing for Matt Lauer and The Today Show -- but then as Chris the Farmer sent Becca home last night, we realized Harrison was right all along. This was the most bonkers season of the Bach ever. Because how the hell did that lady last soooooooooooooooo freakingggggggg longggggggg?

Yo, that lady was so boring and such a virgin and spoke with such a flat affect. She brought nothing to the table -- NUH-THING -- but yet she had us wondering if he might pick her to the very, very end. Even Chris (the farmer, not the aforementioned lame-o hairstyle guy) described Becca to his sisters as, "athletic, and I dunno, also very grounded," two things every man looks for in a spouse/doubles partner. Although now that I think about it, I guess I now understand why the Bach producers didn't pick Serena Williams for this show, because that lady is outta control! And sure, Susan Sarandon is down-to-earth and all, but an absolutely terrible swimmer. Great job Bach producers! You found Chris's (almost) ultimate dream woman! I hope one day she comes out of that coma!


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Coming April 23rd -- The Hudsucker Proxy pt II -- Y'all Ain't Ready

This motherfucker I swear to God.

Yo, no Bach post this week for two reasons:

1. I tried watching that Women Tell All ep and couldn't handle it. I just couldn't handle it. Between Britt's hug and Britt crying and goddamn Sanderson and the yelling and Chris Harrison calling the women "girls" and telling them to shut up and unveiling his new romance novel, I gave up on watching that bullshit after the first hour and 58 minutes. This show is friggin' terrible and I need a friggin' break. I think I deserve one. If you're still craving some Women Tell All bullshit, here's my collabo on Zoo With Roy with him and Sara Circs. But as far as TVMWMMWWM's recaps go, I'll be back next week to blog about the finale. Or maybe I won't. I sort of hope I'm dead.

2. I need to devote more time to making some goddamn money in this world. Since I started this blog FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO, I have always maintained that cash rulez everything around me. I don't write this shit to entertain you. This is not a creative outlet for me. I do this for the cheddah. Thank you to all of you who paypal'd me $$$ to dondings@yahoo.com. Thank you to all of you who bought TVMWW t-shirts. Thank you to all of you who consistently spread my 700 Level isht around the internet. But it's time that I make some real motherfuckin' cash. And that's why...

I'm droppin' a new mixtape.

Yeah, you heard it, The Potato Man is back, and my new mixtape "The Hudsucker Proxy part II" is set to drop April 23rd. All freestyle. All fire. All straight-up in-yo-dome chimichanga-style hip hop. Y'all ain't ready. Y'all ain't never been ready. Bout to takeover this rap game once and for all. #HudSux

Most of you know that before I became a world famous television and sports blogger, I was an underground rap legend. During the 2000's, I dropped two solo album covers (no music, just covers) under the name The Potato Man, and one collabo jawn with my boy Loaves as part of the duo, Shit Sauce.

Fire

Also fire. 

You can listen to Shit Sauce's :30 second single "Nathan's a Doof" here (off the album Put The Clamps on 'Em). That jawn went double triple double plat, and was mixed, recorded, produced and sung by my main man Monkey. Loaves and I literally didn't do shit for this record besides set up the MySpace page (shout out Tom). But if you listen to that track for just ten seconds you'll realize why Shit Sauce was once recognized as the dopest Hawaiian rappers in the game.

"The Hudsucker Proxy part II" is gonna be illlllllllll. I don't know how many songs are gonna be on it yet. There might me none. But what I do know is that this is a more mature Potato Man comin' at ya. I got health insurance now. I got a bald spot. And my freestyle skillz will be all up in yo area on April 23rd. I expect all y'all mothafuckaz to buy that shit EARLY on iTunes. It's gonna be textbook Potato Man, with some purple rope-a-dope yope comin' straight at da Pope.

April 23rd. Y'all ain't ready.

Peas,

- The Evster

aka The Potato Man aka Willie Dawkins aka Shreveport Sammy aka Westminster Abs aka Big Bad Willy Bing Bong

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Bach: You're a Lucky Woman, Kaitlyn. You are a Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Woman.

This is a horrible television show.

The Bach is in Bali! (Not to be confused with Mali, which I may have done last night before I was corrected by my know-it-all wife.) Farmer Chris mentioned that Bali is "the most exotic place" he's ever been, narrowly edging out the Applebee's in downtown Des Moines.

JOKE OF THE YEAR!

Despite the bonkers location, last night's episode was once again a total snoozefest, probably because the star of this show is a doorknob and the three women remaining are about as interesting as AM radio. We're left with one virgin (borrrinnngggggg), one woman who "just wants to have babies" (barfffffffffffffff) and one lady who after falling in love with a farmer has lost every bit of spunk she once had in her petite (and SLAMMIN') Canadian bod.

But I gotta tip my hat (not actually wearing one) to ABC's editors who threw a little bit of foreshadowing at us during the first few mins of last night's ep. As Kaitlyn was interviewed on her monkey date, she said, "All of a sudden there's that feeling of loss as a plossibility." Turns out, it was more than a plossibility, it was a plobability, and Kaitlyn was sent packing a few hours later. Also, I rewound that scene and watched it over again two more times and turns out she did not actually say "plossibility", she said "possibility", but I still wanted to pretend like she said "plossibility" because I am a liar.

Chris (the doorknob, not the host who makes literally 4 million dollars an episode) obviously should've kept Kaitlyn and sent the virgin home. This is clear because: A) virgins are boring and B) that's a good enough reason right there. The virgj claimed that Chris's response to hearing that she was a virgj "could not have gone better" after he restrained himself from screaming and running away before setting himself on fire.

omg her hair and lol his nose

Now of course as a reality TV expert, I know that you can't believe everything you see on these shows, and they never get these things right on the first take. Luckily, TVMWMWWWMMWMWM has gained exclusive access to the transcripts from last night's ep, which shows Chris spewing complete and total nonsense after the virgin told him that she was a virgin.

VIRGIN: So Chris, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

CHRIS nods while mouth breathing.

VIRGIN: I'm aaaa... I'm a uhhhhh... I'm a uhhhhhhh...

CHRIS: Go on, you can tel--

VIRGIN: I'm a uhhhhh...

CHRIS: You're a uhhhhhh...

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin.

Silence.

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin.

Silence.

VIRGIN: I am a virgin.

CHRIS: Sorry, what?

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin. 

CHRIS: No yeah no no no yeah yeah, totally, TOTALLY. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, what?

VIRGIN: Oh god that feels so good to get off my chest. 

CHRIS: Yeah no. It's umm, what? You're a virrr, I'm sorry, do you? Because I...

VIRGIN: I've been meaning to tell--

CHRIS: I'm sorry do you hear someone cracking up in the background right now? Because I hear... Charlie? Is that you? We can hear you laughing, dude. 

CHARLIE: Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just--

PRODUCER: CUT! Cut cut cut! Cut!!! C'mon, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Sorry!

PRODUCER: You knew she was a virgin, Charlie! We went over it in pre-production.

CHARLIE: I know, I know, but omg she's such a vir--

PRODUCER: I know. It's hilarious. And disgusting. But let's run it again, from the top.

VIRGIN: You want me to tell him I'm a virgin again?

PRODUCER: Yes. Yes please, virgin. Thank you. Let's do this again, people, from the top. Andddddddddd, action!

VIRGIN: Chris, there's something I've been meani--

CHRIS: I'm sorry can you still hear him laughing? Because I can still hear him laughing.

VIRGIN: I can still hear him laughing.

PRODUCER: Me too.

WINSTON: Me too.

CHARLIE: Sorry. Terribly sorry.

PRODUCER: C'mon, Charlie. 

CHARLIE: I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise. Go ahead, we're still rolling. I'm sorry.

PRODUCER: Okay, from the top. He's still laughing. I can hear him. Okay, are we ready? Anddddddddddddddddd... Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that...

CHRIS: She's a virgin! 

CHARLIE: You know these cameras are real, right? People will see this. People will WATCH you. 

CHRIS: Quick questch, quick questch: am I supposed to not crack up in her face when she's telling me she's a virgin? Because it's really hard to not just crack up in her face. Is Larry setting himself on fire? Larry?

RIP Larry (and Sanderson)

So now what, people? Now what?

Well, we're left with one boring lady (Whitney) whose #tits are wayyyyyyy bigger than I thought, and one virgin who is wayyyyyyy more boring than the boring lady. Obviously Whitney would be the perfect wife for Chris (the Bachelor, not the oh god give it a rest, Ev). She's sweet and she loves him and that whole thing I wrote before about the #tits and how big they are and how everybody loves big #tits. And the virgin, well, c'mon, let's not be ridiculous. Either way, we're all going to die someday, so do whatever you want, Chris.

(The farmer, not the tweedledick hustler who has somehow finagled his way into making millions of dollars by doing nuh-thingggggggg.)

(NUH-THINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.)

Bye bye, Kaitlyn.

I liked you.

Your tattoos were dumb, though.

What are those, swallows?





Yo yo yow, I put up one of them #GoogSearch posts the other day. Did you read it? You should. People seem to like them. Whatever here's a giraffe eating dinner