|cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger|
Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMWMWWWMWMW where every week (that's what "weekly" means) I'll be breaking down some of the greatest music videos that black people have ever made. These videos are so dope and so hilarious and so bonks that they would make any white person's butt explode. The first in the series, "Ride" by Ciara, is a bonafide jamblanger. If you've never seen the vid, please take 4 minutes and 38 seconds out of your boring white life to watch it now. Thank you.
Okay so first of all, if you're still alive after watching that lady's gyrations then congratulations on not needing a quadruple bypass. Second of all, there is no second of all. Holy shit. The first eight times I watched that vid, I just sat on my couch screaming at my television. Obviously we need to talk about Ciara's hip action. Specifically when she does the frog kick whilst slapping the floor. And also those Macadamian Squat Thrusts, leaning back and lookin' like the Iron Sheik, except instead of sitting on a dude's back, her ass is hovering in midair like a goddamn angel.
|Get over yourself, Hulkster!|
The best part of the video comes at the 1:40 mark when Ciara slowly slides down the waistband of her pants to reveal a pelvis that looks absolutely nothing like my wife's. JUST KIDDING, HONEY. YOU KNOW I LOVE DAT SWEET #PELV OF YOURZ. You know those black tie charity auctions where rich dudes bid thousands of dollars to play a round of golf with Dan Dinkledorg? Well, if they offered up an opportunity to eat a steak dinner off Ciara's pelvis, I guarantee you that cancer would be cured in a minny. How is this woman real?
In my head while watching I'm constantly saying stuff like, "I would tear dat ass OOP," but truth be told I have reached the point in my life where I get legitimately winded jacking off. For examps, if I'm pumping off in the shower first thing in the morning -- before I've had an opportunity to stretch/drink Gatorade™ -- there's a good chance I'll get lightheaded because of the combination of the steamy hot shower and being completely dehydrated from a night full of mouth-breathing. It's like asphyxiation, but instead of enhancing the experience, it makes me feel like a complete and total piece of shit. Pretty much just like everything else I do in this world. I am currently on two different types of blood pressure medicashe.
|I'm with you, Luda. |
I am WITH. YOU.
There's also a part in the video where Ciara's leaning against a car while wearing a bathing suit. I'm not sure why there's a car there, or if that's even a bathing suit that she's wearing, it might be a dress, and it's not like Ciara's got anywhere to go, she's shooting a music vid for cryin' out loud, and quite frankly I'm not even sure why I'm devoting this much time to such a boring run-on sentence, but she's also got on some pretty dope Adidas hi-tops. Oh my god who gives a shit, Ev? My wife's favorite store is Ann Taylor Loft.
Ciara is currently dating Super Bowl™ winning quarterback Russell Wilson, but in this video she's with Ludacris. I particularly like when she jams her high-heeled shoe into his thigh. It's so hot that we completely ignore the fact that Ludacris's verse is corny as hell, saying "Red Zone, I'm a get her first down, call me Luda Drew Brees I throw it in, TOUCHDOWN."
The video ends with Ciara getting all sweaty while riding a mechanical bull because life is wonderful and I need to kill myself immediately.
I'll see you in heaven my sweet, sweaty angel.
Drew Brees can suck my butt.