Wednesday, December 17, 2014

MAJOR FUCKING ANNOUNCEMENT: Zoo With Roy and I are doing play-by-play of the Ursinus-Rosemont basketball game this Saturday!


It's true!

This Saturday afternoon, from some dingy smelly gym in Collegeville, PA, me and Zoo With Roy (never met him!) will be calling a college basketball game on Ursinus's sports website. I know, it's ridiculous, but it's also amazing! And OBV-EE-US-LEE, I'm sure you have a laundry list of questions because you're super annoying and always need MORE MORE MORE informashe, so here's my attempt at answering some of the FAQs that I've been hit with in the past 24 hours (by my mother).

Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
This Saturday afternoon, a group of sweaty young men will be running around a gymnasium while trying to shoot a round leather ball into a steel orange cup, and me and a complete and total stranger will be talking about it, live, on the internet.

How the freak is this happening?
Here's the deal: there's this dude on Twitter named Wags, and apparently he's the Director of Sports Somethingorother at Ursinus College (which is a real school that has a real basketball team) and he thought it'd be a good idea to let me and Zoo call the game. So we are. And it's going to be incredible. Wags said he's baking cookies. Also his name is Wags!

So you've never met Zoo With Roy before?
Never. But we have emailed a bunch and obviously collabo-blogged and recently exchanged phone numbers. We also have plans to meet up for breakfast beforehand so we can get to know each oths and build a rapport and possibly share some Eggs Benedict (and then get double bing-bong dye-dyes shortly afterward).

Refresh my memory, what is "dye-dyes" again?
Diarrhea.

How can I watch this stupid game?
It's not stupid! It's pure, unadulterated fun. Online, at portal.stretchinternet.com/ursinus. I think we go live on-air at 12:50pm, but maybe 12:55pm, it's hard to say because we're getting our instructions from a guy who is literally planning on baking cookies for the game. So far the only directions we've been given are "no cursing."  I'm guessing they'll cut the feed around 1:04.

Hold up. Have you ever done anything like this before?
Actually, yes! When I was in my early 20s, I worked for the Scholastic Play-by-Play Network, and used to call high school football and basketball games on the radio. It was sort of fun and sort of a nightmare. Once -- for a game that was going to be aired on tape delay -- I had to sit in the stands (among the common folk!) and talk into a tape recorder while a bunch of high school kids just stared at me and got pissed off that I literally talked (and yelled) the entire game. It was so embarrassing. But I did give a shout-out to some hot mom who was sitting nearby and she totally made eyes with me and it was HAWT.

Speaking of total hotness, is TVMWMWMWMMWMWM still a thing?
Yes again! I've obvs been busy with the whole 700 Levvy thing and not blogging about television my wife watches (because my wife has been constantly watching old eps of 90210, ughghghhhh), but The Bach comes back the first week in January and, ugh again, yes, I will be watching and blorging about it.

Anything else?
Ursinus has not won a game all season. They're 0-7. The 0 stands for zero. As in no wins. They have yet to win a game. Sad for them.

See ya Saturday?
See ya Saturday!

Basketball!
Cookies!
Hot college chicks!
HOT COLLEGE DUDES!
Eggs Benny!
EGGS BENNNNNNYYYYYYYYYY!!!!






Friday, December 5, 2014

The Evster Reviews the New Wu-Tang Album, A Better Tomorrow

Yo Raekwon could easily start at middle linebacker for Michigan State.

Yo… yo… yo… I own a sweatshirt that says “Haters Gonna Hate”. It’s obviously stupid and completely ridiculous, but it’s also amazing (and you know it!). I wear it pretty much all the time and it doesn’t matter what you think about it because no one cares about your fat dumb face. Just like it doesn’t matter what this idiot said about the new Wu-Tang album or this nimrod here. The only thing that matters is this: I dare you… I DARE YOU… to listen to the first minute of this album, and if afterwards you do not want to rob a bank, rock a fur coat or tomahawk dunk over BOTH Lopez twins, then you are living a goddamn lie.

This new Wu album is BOMB.

Or dope.

Or whatever the hell people say these days when they’re trying to say that they liked a new rap album. Also, let it be known that this post was #BANNED from The 700 Level. Also check out this Wu-Tang potato that came with my scrambled eggs.

I know!

Don’t get me wrong; I was skeptical of their new album. I’m 37 years old. I own three pairs of slippers. Read that again. THREE. DIFFERENT. PAIRS. I see a dermatologist every six months so he can check my moles for cancer. I am not exactly the Inspectah Deck’s target demographic. I am currently eating soup. Even people fifteen years younger than me – the people who are supposed to actually listen to rap music – were like, what, three years old when 36 Chambers came out? My three-year-old nephew thinks he’s a pirate. Like, he legitimately thinks he’s a pirate. He doesn’t even know what the freak a pirate is, but dude will straight-up roll up on you waving his fist in the air goin’ “Arggghh!” if you step to him. How am I supposed to respond to that? Dude can’t even put on his own socks. And yet he’s supposed to appreciate “causin’ more family feuds than Richard Dawson”?

A Better Tomorrow is not the greatest rap album in the history of music, but it’s better than 99% of the other dogshit out there. And it’s got everything we’ve come to expect from the Wu: crazy kung fu beats, the ODB yelling nonsense, songs about one guy blowing another guy’s tits off. I didn’t even think the Wu-Tang Clan still carried guns (aren’t they rich?!), but apparently they do. Or at least they’d like us to think they still do. And I for one believe ‘em! Either way, listening to them rap about killing people this week gave me the same feeling it did 20 years ago: I want to shoot a man in his face and cop his sneakers.

Besides the hard-hitting samples and ching-chang chinga ching-ching sounds, what sets the Wu apart has always been their nine distinct flows (RIP Ol’ Dirty). Nine different voices. NINE. As in more than six, seven OR eight. And on this new jawn, these niner have come up with some lyrical gems. On the song “Crushed Egos,” Raekwon claims he owns an alpaca coat. That means he has a fur coat made of alpacas. Later, he says he wears bulletproof PJs. Cappadonna says he has a different robe for every day of the week. There’s also a reference to The Ultimate Warrior. And Calvin Johnson. And Justin Tuck. And there’s even a song called “Ron O’Neal” about the actor who played the cocaine dealer in Superfly. I have no idea if that’s amazing or not, but that seems absolutely amazing.

But the best line of the album – the best line BY FAR – comes from Ghostface (obvs), who on the song “Felt” describes a time when he was strugglin’ by saying, “felt like Dragonfly Jones was draggin’ fly Tone.” Now, obviously I didn’t know what the hell he was talkin’ about. I never know what these guys are talking about. But I knew Ghost’s nickname was Tony Starks, so I knew he was obviously talkin’ about himself, but I had to google who the hell Dragonfly Jones was. Turns out, Dragonfly Jones was this karate master from Martin:





Dragonfly Jones!

That’s why Ghost is the best.

That’s why Martin is the best.

YOU NEED TO WATCH THAT VIDEO.

Look, some people are gonna complain about this album because people are the worst. There’s a ballad song called “Miracle” that’s pretty dumb, and there’s another jawn with way too much guitar, and the fellas mention “kicking rocks” around 17 too many times. But there’s also a part where Ghostface does an impression of ODB saying “Muh-RYE-ah” that is spot-on and hilarious.

The bottom line is: the Killa Beez dropped a new album – and even if it’s not as ill as some of their old stuff, and it kinda sucks that they’re not as tight-knit as we always thought they were – the Killa Beez dropped a new album! It’s still got RZA weaving guitar strums into gunshots. It’s still got Method Man smokin’ weed with Red. It’s still preaching the Tao of Wu: get knowledge, make money, stick together, and shoot mofos before they shoot you.

In the title track “A Better Tomorrow,” Method Man asks, “Tired of waiting? Get yo weight up.” And whether you’re a pimple-faced teenager discovering Wu for the first time, or a thirtysomething white bull who is literally watching The Mindy Project as he types this sentence, the wait is over. The Wu is back. And while they might not be better than ever, they will still shoot you right in your throat.










Tuesday, October 14, 2014

My Wife and I Hung Out with Black People Last Saturday

She has animals on her sweater. 

There was a time in my life when I was cool. That's not true. That's not even close to true. But there was a time in my life when I played basketball, and hence, hung out with black people. It was glorious. We listened to Redman. We played Madden. One time my boy Jermaine let me wear his gold tiger medallion to the club. No he didn't, he let me wear it to Wawa. Still, y'all can't even front, you know I looked fly as fuck ordering that meatball hoagie.

But those days are long gone. Now, the only black people I come in contact with are two semi-black people I work with (they both have health insurance) and the brothers who sell mix CDs on the corner of Broad and Chestnut. My life has never been so boring. I literally watch Antiques Roadshow every Thursday. But last Saturday, on a night normally reserved for sweatpants, I put on my dopest outfit because my wife's workmate (who is like, legit black, like she lives in North Philly and everything) invited us to her 40th birthday party at a Center City bar.

Now, what you need to understand is, we were the only whities invited. Like, the ONLY ones. And this was fine, because black people literally don't give a shit about anything, but it still helped when Sandra (the woman whose birthday it was) came over and gave us big ole hugs when we got there. She at least made us feel like we sort of belonged. For the first five minutes of the party, my wife and I just stood around and tried not to be annoying (while I stuffed my face with meatballs) until my wife excused herself so she could use the bathroom. I figured instead of pretending to scroll through my Instagram feed, I might as well approach the beautiful nubian princess standing at the bar. Because that's what life is all about, isn't it?

These are not the chicks I was hanging out with...
but they very well could have been. 

My opening line was fucking terrible. Just terrible. I mumbled something weird about wanting to go through her purse (it was resting on the bar) and she played along nicely, saying I wouldn't find much in it if I did, but I quickly realized that I was losing her. Then she ordered a club soda from the bartender, and I noticed a little baby bump on her bell, so I figured I'd go for it.

"Are you expecting?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"How far along are you?"

"Six and a half months."

"Ohhh SCHNAP!" I said. "That's pretty far along."

And that's when Tamika lost it. Tamika (that was her name, the black woman's name was Tamika) started cracking up and turned to her friend next to her and goes, "Oh no he said 'Oh snaps.'" Not what I said. I would never say, "Oh snaps," but whatever. I had ingratiated myself among them.

Tamika and I kept talking for a few minutes (about pregnancy, her husband, and why I thought Miles was a much better name than Bacari), but then when I went to take a sip of my drink I somehow got my straw wedged in between my nose and my glasses. I don't even know how that's possible, to get a plastic straw jammed against your face, but there I was, talking to a beautiful black (pregnant) woman for like eight seconds with a goddamn straw dangling off my face.

When I realized the straw was there, I quickly yanked it loose and said to Tamika, "Yo Tamika, did you see what I just did?" and she was like, "Yeah, but I didn't wanna say anything," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA TELL ME THAT SHIT, WOMAN. I'M WHITE!" and that's when Tamika and I became best friends forever.

Later, when I was talking to a lady who was recently voted one of the TOP 19 MOST STYLISH WOMEN IN PHILLY about my skateboarding giraffe hat (and whether or not I was cool enough to wear it), I knocked a full drink off the bar and spilled club soda everywhere. Then I apologized to a couple brothers wearin' sport-coats and asked "Did I get you?" and they said "Naw it's cool." My wife then yelled at me to clean it up so I got on my hands and knees to tried and soak up the mess with cocktail napkins while the Top 19 lady just stood there bouncing to that song "I Ain't Never Scared" by Bone Crusher.

Honestly, black people don't give a fuck.

And it was an absolutely fantastic evening.

Pics available upon request.




You've probably already seen this -- it's been going around the internet for the past few days -- but here's a video of 38-year-old White Chocolate Jason Williams straight killin' it in an Orlando rec league. I highly recommend checking it out. Orrrrrr read this great interview with Parks n Rec writer Megan Amram about her new book, "Science... For Her!" Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just look at this pic of a giraffe riding another giraffe. That's probably the better move. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Things I Said While Watching an Old Ep of 90210 with my Wife


"Shut the fuck up Brandon no one cares."

"Calm down, Andrea. No one cares."

"Oh my god why is David doing that? What's wrong with him?"

"Lighten up, Brandon."

"Whatever Brandon stop being such a fat fuck!"

"He didn't just say that did he say that Jesus Christ."

"Hahahaha good one, Steve, you fat fuck."

"No one dresses like that."

"Ugh, c'mon Andrea. It's a fucking school newspaper."

"Their phone sure does ring a lot."

"Why the fuck is Brandon such a tight-ass fuck?"

"Fuck you, Brandon."

"That guy's 47 years old."

"Give her a break, Brandon! You're such a fuck!"

"Oh, Dylan."

"Where did Brandon meet this bitch?"

"It's not that big of a deal, Brandon!"

"Did she just say 'I'll always remember you as the guy who gave me my first burrito?'"

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Wednesday's Wifey: Andrea from 90210, the Oldest Person in the World

aka Gabrielle Farteris (sorry)

In my 37 years in this world, I have made a lot of stupid decisions. Like the time I brought a girl back to my dorm room freshman year and put on a Counting Crows CD. We stayed up all night chatting about her ex-boyf. It was awes.

There were the four years I spent teaching middle school, otherwise known as "Ev's Therapy Years." That was fun.

Then of course how could I forget about the BRILLIANT decision to start this blog. Great career move there, Ev. You're on your way to Grantland!

But of all the boneheaded decisions I've made, the worst one ever, BY FAR the absolute worst, was when I casually mentioned to my wife that old eps of Beverly Hills 90210 were now being shown on TVGN, which is an actual channel that broadcasts a signal that our cable provider provides.

Now you may think, "Whatever Ev, you're just being dramatic. That show's fun. It's stupid, but it's fun. So stop complaining. Just stop. For once in your life, would it kill you to stop complaining about something? And what is with the mouth breathing? There's ways to stop that, ya know. Breathe Rites. Surgery. Killing yourself." But you don't understand. In the past three days, we have watched roughly 84 episodes of this godforsaken show. My wife fucking loves it. LOVES IT. And I don't understand any of it. Like, why would the Walshes give their children names that sound sooooo similar? And is Megan Fox aware of what her husband used to sound like? And what the FUCK is wrong with Brandon?

But there is one character who I have taken a shine to. One character who I feel for, and relate to, and desperately want to hold in my arms. It's Andrea. It's obviously Andrea. You knew that before you started reading this. Her name is mentioned in the title of this post. It's a dead giveaway. Literally, if you look at the top of this webpage, you will see the word "Andrea" written in big, bold letters. There's even a picture of her. I don't know why we're still talking about it. Regardless, I am absolutely smitten with the 47-year-old high school student who has zero redeeming qualities.

There's just something about her annoying, boring demeanor. I feel sorry for her! Forced to hang out with all those young people, with a vagina that is essentially broken. Maybe it's her oversized glasses. Or her fashion sense (or lack thereof). Maybe it's the fact that I'm the type of person who writes stuff like "or lack thereof" and think that maybe she'd sleep with me. Either way, I'm intrigued. I'm so, so intrigued. I've never been more intrigued by anyone ever. So I figured why not make Andrea this week's Wednesday Wifey and do some research to find out who the hell this lady is (and see if she's still alive).


Turns out she is!

And is currently married to Alan Thicke's brother, Dick Thicke (not his name). Absolutely amazing that Dick Thicke buttons his shirt allllllllllll the way up. And not just on this one occasion...


... but all the time!

The whole point of not wearing a tie is that you don't have to button your shirt all the way up! I mean, what is this guy doing to himself? YOU DON'T NEED THAT TOP BUTTON, DICK. I went to a wedding last weekend (whilst wearing a tie) and complained the entire night that I was being choked out by Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. Nice hedges in Andrea's backyard by the way. Looks like Wrigley. Do you think he stuffed that shawl in her mouth later that night? I do. I obviously do.


Despite being out of the public eye for well over a decade, Andrea still has a bunch of Hollywood friends (which is nice for her!). Here she is with left to right: Billie Jean King, that deaf lady (by the way, how bout her BOD?! I see you def lady swingin' out dem birthin' hips!) and Irv Gumbel.



Turns out Andrea is still making movies. Here she is on the set of MALPRACTICE (directed by Micky Dolenz from the Monkees and I'm not kidding!). For the record, this picture was taken in 2001. That's 13 years ago. So Andrea is now 13 years older than she looks in this pic. Yeesh.

Pretty hot gunplay she's getting into there though. Not surprising considering Andj is a total nymph-bot. Here's proof:


Be honest, this picture is hot as fuck. Gagging herself with that Dixon Ticonderoges. The taste of stale wood in her mouth. Struggling to talk as she begs for an extension. "But Mr. Evster, I just need one more night to work on my paper!" Yeah, you need one more night, all right. One more night in my dank basement. *kicks water bowl toward groveling woman, water spilling out onto the cold pavement* No idea where I'm going with this. That's not true. We all know exactly where I'm going with this. I'm making a teenage woman drink out of a water bowl. It was the obvious next step. Maybe I'll bring her some saltines too (if she's good).

Seriously, Andrea is HAWT and you know it.

So let's go rapid fire through some of her hottest super sonic hotness pics.


Here's Ahhhnndrea lookin' like a cross between an old Chrissy Evert and an even older Martha Washington. Cleave is straight bangin' too. You can't deny it.


Lovin' dem calf muscles, girl! And the world's smallest beach towel.



LaceHorseCleave.jpg

Seriously though, he yammers are bangin' here. Haircut cost $11.95, but dem titties... wooooooooo, Dusty!


Little known fact: Most chicks prefer to climax on their stomachs.

GOOGLE IT.


Still got it.

84 years old, and she's still got it. Not really diggin' that low-fat vegan cheese pizza, but lovin' her Katie Couric Jr. hairstyle. I have no idea what the point of this blogpost is. Absolutely no idea. Thanks for reading.

I love you, Andrea.

Rest in peace.

Not dead.

But might as well be.







From now on, I think I'm gonna post a new TVMWMWMWWWM jawn every Wednesday. So there'll be Eagles Report Cards on Mondays at Zoo With Roy, TVMWMWMMW on Wednesdays, and my 700 Levvy column on Fridays. How's that sound? Who cares. Here's a list of animals with fraudulent diplomas. My favourite is Oreo Collins.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Juan Pabs and Whatsherface to Appear on Couples Therapy Which Apparently is a Show

Row 1: Shia Labuef & Ke$ha, Nicki & Juan Pabs
Row 2: Treach & his mom?, John Cena & Blondie
Row 3: Cosmo Kramer & Holly Robinson Peete,
Smiley Guy & Lady Person

Obviously I don't know shit about shit, but there's some show called Couples Therapy on VH1 tonight and Juan Pabberstein is going to be on it.

The show is hosted by a lady named Dr. Jenn, an actual doctor who spells her name with two Ns, and puts pictures of herself on the internet that look like this:



That's actually a pretty smart move -- keep the sun rays off your face.

Anyway, I will most likely not be watching this show tonight and that's obviously a lie.

Blogpost!

Get your goddamn shoes off the couch, boiiyyyyyyyyyy!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

2014 TV Fall Season Preview / Just a Post About Shows I'm Watching / Who Cares

RIP George Papadoppps

Summer is finally over.

Thank GAWD.

Enough with the sweating and the mosquitoes and the shooting black teenagers in their heads. Finally we can get back to doing what we were put on this earth to do... shooting black teenagers! I mean, watching televorsion!

There's some great shows coming to TV this fall: Rain Man the sitcom; Four Guys and a Dog; Frorvsville! (really looking forward to that one), but here are a few others that are 100% TVMWMWWWWMW approved.

Best Show That You Should Absolutely Be Watching But Don't Get Mad at Me if You Don't Like It

Jonah from Tonga, HBO

A spinoff of Chris Lilley's Summer Heights High, Jonah from Tonga is hilaaaarrrrrrious. (For those of you who are like, "Ev, what the fuck are you talking about?" Chris Lilley is an Australian actor/writer/comedian who has had a bunch of shows on HBO where he plays like a million characters, kinda like Eddie Murphs. Summer Heights High is probably his most well-known show, about a public high school in Australia, and Jonah (a Tongan aborigini teenager) is his funniest character and a total, total shithead. The show follows Jonah (Chris Liley) and his crew around as they curse off teachers, dick tap each other and breakdance right in people's fat faces. Highly recommended for those of you who like British-type humour, dumb teenage bullshit, and shows that don't suck butt. For the record, my wife has never once watched this show with me. Ever.






Best Show to Watch with Your Wife or Partner or Someone Who Doesn't Want to Watch Thursday Night Football Every Goddamn Thursday Night

Married, FX

This show sounds supes lame: a stupid couple in their late 30's struggle with raising kids and being old and shit, but it's actually really really funny and dark. Married stars Nat Faxon (Ben and Kate, writer of The Descendants) and some blonde lady (Arrested Development, those Sprint Framily commercials) as the main couple where the dude is obviously an idiot and his wife constantly gets mad at him. It also stars the lady who plays Mona Lisa on Parks 'N Rec and she's amazing. Overall the show is very, very good and not nearly as lame as it sounds which I admit sounds lame as butt.






Best Show to Watch On Demand Even Though You Might Not Get Starz

Party Down, Starz

One of the best sitcoms of alllllll tiiiiiiiime. SAID. This jawn was only on the air for two seasons because the world is a sad and disappointing place. Party Down is about a group of struggling actors who work as caterers in between auditions and shit. The show stars Adam Scott (Parks 'N Rec, absolutely everything, like literally everything) as Henry, a dude who had five minutes of fame after starring in a beer commercial and owning the catch phrase, "Are we having FUN yet?" It also has Ken Marino (the State, Wanderlust, Wet Hot American Summer, Burning Love, funniest dude ever) who plays crew chief Ron Donald (I mean, that's a good enough reason to watch right there, the guy's name is Ron Donald) and has dreams of one day opening his very own Soup R' Crackers, the fastest growing non-poultry, non-coffee franchise in Southern California. Honestly the show is fucking amazing and filled with an amazing cast: Jane Lynch (from all of Christopher Guest's shit and Glee), Lizzie Kaplan (Masters of Sex, va va va voom), the weirdo/adorable dude Bill from Freaks and Geeks/every Judd Apatow movie ever, the lady who played Sarah Marshall, all sorts of other ill muthafuckaz. Great show. Great cast. Great ending of this paragraph.






Stand Up Comedy Show That's Currently on my DVR but I Haven't Watched Yet for a Really Lame Reason

Katt Williams Priceless: Afterlife, HBO

Besides being maybe the best physical comedian out there, Katt Williams is hood as a muhg. This latest special was directed by Spike Lee, which I guess means something, and the only reason my wife and I haven't watched it yet is because her stupid friend Aubre said she'd come over with her stupid boyfriend to watch it, but they're too busy sucking each other's butts and I hate her.






Stand Up Comedy Show Coming Soon So Set Your Goddamn DVR for October 4th

Jerrod Carmichael, HBO


I saw this guy at Odd Ball Fest this summer and he was my possibly my favourite (in a lineup that included Louie CK, Dave Attell, Sarah Silvs, Hannibal Burress and Chris D'Elia). He's super relaxed and cool, kinda like Dave Chappelle, without the wacky shit. Honestly he's nothing like Dave Chappelle. He's just black. Whatever, he's about to blow up. Watch his special. Or don't. I seriously, seriously, seriously don't give a shit about anything you ever do.






Have you been reading my goddamn sports column every Friday on The 700 Level dot com? If not, I don't blame you, it's honestly not that exciting. JK IT'S FUCKING AWESOME. So if you want to read some ill ass shit, check out some stuff here. Or just look at this pic of a lady dressed up as a naughty giraffe. That's what I'd do, obviousslslsyylyyyyyy.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

TVMWWMWMWWWWW ON DA COVER OF US WEEKLY!


Details at 11!

Not really!

No idea what I'm going for here!

Hi everybody!