Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Worst Wheel of Forch Contestant Ever

You've probably already seen this -- #JustThe2Million views -- but I figured I'd link to it anyway because I have a blog about television and I like Pat Saje and my friend Enrico says I need to post more "quick hitters" and honestly who cares just check it out.

It's truly unbelievable.

Also unbelievable: Clippers vs. Warriors in round 1!!!

What is even going on here?!?

Monday, April 14, 2014

Game of Frones: What Happens Now that Joffrey Choked on his Own AIDS-filled Blood?

Nice blue socks, tho.

Hey Joffrey... drink wine much?



I'm really sorry.

I couldn't think of a good intro to this post and then I thought of that on the way to get coffee and it made me laugh, and ugh, I'm so embarrassed that it made me laugh, but it did, and I'm sorry. I really am. Let's just move on.

I know this morning we're supposed to be all, "OMG, The Joffinator's gone!" even though no one calls him that, I mean no one has EVER called him that, but I've never been one to live in the past. This isn't TV My Wife Watched, this is TV My Wife Watches. Focus on the present. Live in the mome. It's not like I need to constantly remind you of my past accomplishments, like the fact that I played high school basketball with da Black Mamba, or that just last week TVMWW reached one million pageviews. Whatever, the blog's popular, it's not that big of a deal. Okay, yeah, I get it, articles were written about me back in the day, but it's not like I go back and read them once a week. It's like every other week at the most. This is a good one too by the way. Like, whatever, get over it. So what if I hold my school record for most assists in a season? And dropped 19 dimes in a playoff game against Norristown? I'm not sweatin' it either!

So what now? What now that King Joffleberg (once again, not his nickname) is gone FOREVAH?

Have no fear, the world's greatest television blogger is here to break it down for you.

Honestly, what is that piece of disgusting, 
dirty fabric doing around his neck?

1. I Have No Idea

You think I have any clue as to what goes on on this show? I spent all of last night's ep just waiting for nudity (which never came by the way!). How can HBO flash that big "N" at the beginning of the show and then not follow through on their promise? One friend of mine (not a friend, a dude on Twitter, and possibly an idiot) reminded me of the lady who was doing the upside down splits at the wedding party, but her vaj was not showing. I woulda spotted a bare vaj if they showed it to me, and they didn't show ANY bare vajs. When they start off with that big bold "N", I expect to see tits or butts or dicks or vajs. And I saw none of those. Although I did see a nice piece of a tit on Mad Men. That was a nice piece of a tit. It's amazing how much humans love seeing tits and/or pieces of a tit.

I guess now the new king is Joffrey's little brother? Does Joff even have a little brother? I think he does. That will allow Big Daddy Lannister to essentially run the show. Although we all know the real heir to the throne is Robert Baratheon's bastard, but he's being held hostage by the Smoke Fire Lady and omg there is no way to legitimately talk about this show without sounding like a dorf.

2. Who Will Replace Joffrey as the Show's Ultimate Villain?

Obviously it's Crazy Eyes McMurphy, the dude who's been torturing Reek (nee Theon) for the past few months. Poor Reek (nee Theon). I would say that the actor playing him should win an Emmy for his performance, but I seriously think the HBO execs are torturing him in real life in order to get him to act that way. It's honestly so sad. I wonder what Crazy Eyes McMurphy did with his dork. He ate it, right? He had to have eaten it. Or hollowed it out and made it into a thermos.

Another retarded piece of neckwear.

3. So Dragon Lady's Clearly Gonna Win the Game of Frones, Right?

I mean, it sure seems that way. The committee has given here a pretty easy road to the title. Obviously she'll have to get past the Smoke Fire Lady in the next round, but her storyline is pretty boring so I'm guessing Khaleesi will take care of her. Then she'll have an away battle vs. the Lannisters, but she has dragons, and the Lannisters can't really match up against dragons. No one can. Don't forget there was that interesting mome last week when the dragons were going buckwild and the dude was like, "Khaleesi, they're dragons, you can't tame them," which seemed like some foreshadowing that maybe the dragons will just kill everybody, including all the pretty horses. That would be sad. But it would be cute to see a dragon sitting in a throne. Just hanging out, drinking wine, with his little dragon feet. BUT, BUT, BUT, don't sleep on THE WHITE WALKERS. Can't forget about them. But wait, fire kills them, right? Oh the dragons will destroy them. They're dragons!

BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUTT, my real predictsh is that somebody will turn on somebody, and they will weasel their way onto the Iron Frone. It's been proven throughout history -- from Brutus killing Caesar to Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf turning on Hulk Hogan -- there's always a backstabbing. The question is, who is the ultimate backstabber?

Mayor Carcetti, he's a slime ball, but he's not a heavy enough hitter to really make any noise. And then there's that one dude who's trying to put the moves on Khaleesi, but we don't even know his name. I wonder if Grey Worm can be trusted. I mean for one, his name is Grey Worm, and two, he's a eunuch. Eunuch's can't be trusted. They have nothing to live for. Bare titties literally have no effect on them. I wouldn't trust anyone who wasn't turned on by a titty. I also can't believe that's how you spell eunuch.

Maybe the best prediction though comes from @notkerouac -- who is by far the worst person to follow on Twitter. He said something last night which I thought was pretty profound:

"In Ep 10 King Forbedegorbedy has his dragon eat lady duty pants. Spoiler alert: it's Puff The Magic Dragon. Omgordz."

So there's that, everybody.

There's that.

Have you been reading my jawns on The 700 Level? You should. I think they're actually pretty dope. My last one was a minute-by-minute report after I attended last Thursday's Frozen Four. Check it out here. Or just look at this adorable goddamn chipmunk giving a flower to his friend. It's honestly so adorbs. If you're reading this in an office, I would probably gag yourself before looking at it. You might scream "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO FUCKING ADORABLE." I know I did. And I was gagged at the time. Ugh this is so stupid goodbye.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The #DWTS and Game of Frones Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown!


I'm feeling a little sensitive today, so bear with me.

So this morning I was walking around downtown on my way to physical therapy (whatever, I screwed up my back and my entire torso is twisted and it's so stupid and so painful but no one cares about your sorrow Ev just get on with it) and I was taking my sweet time because I was nice and early so I decided to duck into a café for a cup of coff and a chocolate CROI-SAUNT. And while I was in there, this dog -- his name was Major -- started sniffing my leg and I go, "What's up doggie?" and then the owner pulled him away and that made me sad, but it was still cool to see a dog in a dining establishment.

After I paid for my stuff, I just kinda walked around the neighb and there was a light drizzle falling, really more of a mist, and it felt really nice on my head and all was good in the world. And this thing is, this world is so stupid. There's so many dumb things out there like flip flop tans and wheat bread and homelessness and ostriches, but there's also a bunch of really nice things too, like the mome I was having on my morning walk. And TV... TV is no different. God these shows are so stupid. Dancing With the Stars and those dumb people twirling around and fake smiling for the camera, and Game of Frones with these stupid dragons I mean what kind of lady gives birth to dragons and then sits on a rock and pets them and what is up with Sansa being SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME it's like your family's dead, lady, get over it! But still, they're fun. And entertaining. And as dumb as the Smoke Fire Lady is as annoying as Drew Carey seems, it's still fun to live in a world where we can sit on our stupid couches and soak it all in. And it's even more fun when you check in here every week to read about all these stupid television shows with me. So thank you, everybody. Thanks for reading my stupid blog. Maybe one day we can all meet up in a chat room and hardcore cyber.

Onto the Shakedown:

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The #DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown: Week 3

That's a cowboy hat.

When did Robin Roberts become the most boring, cliché, cornball on the planet? Is that what happens when you beat cancer? You turn into a total sap? Roberts -- Monday night's guest judge, and a woman who seems to have lost ALL estrogen from her body, and no I'm not entirely sure what estrogen is -- praised every single solitary performer during the show. "Ohhhh, that was just special. Thank you for bringing such joy into the hearts of so many." THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, ROBIN. Yes, it's fun. And yes, it's riveting to watch C-list celebrities try to revive their cancer-filled careers, but I've never been so moved during these performances so as to feel any kind of legitimate, heartfelt human emotion. Omg that's not even true. Sometimes these dances are super emotional. Especially when that lady with no legs dances. She's has no legs! And her fake ones could literally fly off at any moment. I don't understand why this isn't the lead story on Anderson Cooper every night.

Friday, March 28, 2014

This Week's Top #GoogSearches That Led People to TVMWMWWWMWW

Hey all you wonderful people who I love very much and appreciate your time and devotion to the world's biggest pile of wet, hot, disgusting internet garbage, here's another edition of #GoogSearches.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, below are things that people have actually typed into Google, that led them to this here website.


Also, 11 pageviews for "baklava!"

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The #DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown: Week 2


Welcome to a new weekly feature here at TVMWMMWWMWMW, the DWTS Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown, by far the stupidest (and yet smokiest!) DWTS recap on the internet. How long do you see this one lasting? Three? Maybe four weeks? Whatever, please stop pissing all over my ideas. This one's gold, Jerry, gold!

It is truly incredible how much everyone gropes each other on this show. It's like walking through the hallways in middle school. And it's not just whilst dancing, it's whilst being interviewed or whilst doing nothing. Last week, Charlie's partner was legitimately circling his nipples while he tried to answer a question about the Cha-Cha-Cha. Who could possibly talk to another person while someone caressed their nippers? I know I couldn't. And I've tried. Oh Lord, have I tried.

Watching all this groping has affected my wife, too, who has not been able to keep her damn hands off me the last two weeks. Last night in bed, while she was spooning me, she started taking her knees and jamming them into the back of my thighs. Just like a total jam job. Then I started laughing, so she jammed her knees in even DEEPER into my thighs to the point where she was basically pedaling my hamstrings like a bicycle. After around 15 seconds I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" but she just kept pumping her knees and pulling back on my shoulders for leverage. I have no idea what the point of this story is or why I'm sharing it, but I feel like I SHOULD, and that's what makes this blog special! Let's be honest here, the Smokehouse Mountain Shakedown could not be off to a better start.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

This Season of Dancing With The Stars Might Be Dope as Fuck

Double flutter foot!

Normally I would start off this post by saying something like, "Y'all gotta watch this show. It's not horrible." or "Seriously. It doesn't suck." or "I am telling you, Russian women are not afraid to give birth on live TV," but if you're here, and you're reading this, then you already know how bonkers DWTS is. There's no reason to try and convince the non-DWTS watchers to tune in. The show is fun, we're all on board and Carrie Anne Inabla is as emotionally stable as a bowl of soup. So let's just sit back and enjoy the ride -- all 7 of us -- and break down last Monday night's premiere.

To help me out, I've asked Good Morning America's George Stephanopoulos -- an ABC insider and a man with the kindest, softest eyes -- to share with us his Top 4 DWTS newsworthy headlines following Week 1.

"Thanks, Evan. Let me just start off by saying--"

Whatever, Stephanoplloussous!!!

Get your own blog!!!

I'll take it from here!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Holy Snotballs. Winnie Cooper is on Dancing With The Stizzies.

I put my hand up on your hip,
when I dip you dip we oh who cares

The new Dancing With The Stars seez is bonkers.

More to come later/maybe never.