HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Look, I don't know what the hell you're doing right now, but stop doing it. Just stop. Call your boss. Cancel your appointment at #Great #Clips. Just put your stupid life on hold for a few stinking hours and get to your couch so you can watch HBO's documentary series The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst. It's only six episodes and each ep is only like 45 minnies. You'll be done in no time. I watched every ep last night and it was RIVETING. So go go go! Stop friggin' reading this. Riveting is an understatement. It's about a weird, eccentric rich dude who may have murdered a few peeps in the last 30 years. If you don't have HBO, order it. JUST FUCKING ORDER IT. Or find someone who has an HBO Go password. I have one. I will lend you my goddamn password. Jesus Christ what is taking you so long? It was the most incredible documentary series I've ever seen. Maybe even the most incredible TV/Movie/watching something something I've ever seen. With the most bonkers ending ever. And I am not exaggerating. Why the fuck are you still reading? I hate you so much.
If you are still reading, let it be known that you are now entering SPOILER CITY. So go now. Unless you watched. Then keep reading. But Jesus Fucking Christ are you kidding me?!?!?!
Okay, now that it's just us, just the people who actually watched, we can speak openly about the show.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
CAN I JUST SAY THAT?
CAN I JUST SAY HOLY FUCKING SHIT?
I can safely say that the last scene of that doc was one of, if not the most shocking, incredible, most unbelievable things I've ever seen on television. Right up there with:
- Ron Artest running into the crowd and punching people
- The World Trade Center crumbling
- The OJ chase
- What am I missing here, folks?
- Spike Albrecht's first half explosion vs. Louisville
- The end of The Thin Blue Line
- Jim Everett attacking Jim Rome
- The first time I touched a butt
As Robert mumbled to himself in the bathroom, I just sat there with my mouth WIDE FUCKING OPEN LIKE BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS. I just covered my mouth and breathed hot, disgusting dead air into my hands. My wife had accidentally seen a New York Times alert on her phone a few hours earlier and it didn't even matter. It was still incredible. Bob talking to himself and the mumbling and how flizzle-flazzed he was made it all so much more real. I mean, it was obviously real. Of course it was real. What the fuck am I even talking about?! Incredible filmmaking to only have the audio for that last scene. It worked out even better that way. Kind of like the last episode of The Office when Tim rips off his mic and you can't hear what he's saying to Dawn. But the opposite. What incredible storytelling! Holy fucking shit! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! If you haven't seen The Office yet then seriously what is wrong with you?!?!?!? And I'm obvs not talking about the shit American one!!!
So much of that Durst doc was amazing. The style of it. Making the reenactments not look shitty. How candid Robert Durst was. How creepy he was. How witty he was. Jarecki's goddamn goatee/sideburns combo!!!
FUCKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN THE BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
Other shit that's worth talking about:
- Bob's eyes (omg, just calling him Bob is so weird) were so dark, and so eerie, and that scene in like episode three when he's walking down the hall on the way to court and is just staring down at the camera. Holy shit.
- I loved loved loved the investigator from Texas. With the goatee. That guy was so sweet. And I felt so sad for him that he couldn't close that case. It is friggin' fascinating that people live in Texas.
- Oh yeah, sure, Bob should've been acquitted in Texas anyway. It's not like he SAWED A DUDE'S LIMBS OFF AND THREW THEM IN THE OASHE.
- Holy shit, did you see that Bob hired that same Texas lawyer to represent him now in California?
- OMG how have we not talked about Sareb's Kaufman's beard/earring combo yet?!?
- Also, Sareb??!?!?!
- ALSO, ALSO, I have a problem where I always sympathize with killers and stuff, because ultimately their lives are sad. And I felt the same way about Robert. I mean, sure, he's a nutjob who straight-up killed three people (at least), but he's also a sad sad sad case. Seeing his mother commit sui. Not being able to connect with people. That's all very sad. I'm not saying it excuses him from this shit, but I do feel super sad for him. I felt the same way when I read In Cold Blood and when I saw The Thin Blue Line. If you haven't read or seen them shits, go do that now. (links below)
- The freaking head from the Galveston murder is still missing. Do you think he fucking ate it?!?!
- Holy shit. I love all of you. I love that you watched this. Let's start a yahoo chat room so we can talk about this. My username is DickMcScroggins.
See ya in the chat room.
Here's a link to buy In Cold Blood, Truman Capote's true crime book about a mass killing of a family in Kansas. Probably my favorite book of all time. Capote gets incredible access to the killers on Death Row, tells their backstories, and somehow makes you feel both sympathetic toward them and the people they killed. And if you haven't seen Errol Morris's documentary The Thin Blue Line, I highly highly highly recommend it. About a he-said he-said cop-killing in Texas where two dudes claim to be innocent, but one is actually the killer. It's on Netflix. I would not read spoilers or anything about it. Just go watch it. You should also watch Andrew Jarecki's other doc, Capturing the Friedmans, about a pedophile from Long Island. Also amazing. Holy shit I'm jacked up today.