Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Coming April 23rd -- The Hudsucker Proxy pt II -- Y'all Ain't Ready

This motherfucker I swear to God.

Yo, no Bach post this week for two reasons:

1. I tried watching that Women Tell All ep and couldn't handle it. I just couldn't handle it. Between Britt's hug and Britt crying and goddamn Sanderson and the yelling and Chris Harrison calling the women "girls" and telling them to shut up and unveiling his new romance novel, I gave up on watching that bullshit after the first hour and 58 minutes. This show is friggin' terrible and I need a friggin' break. I think I deserve one. If you're still craving some Women Tell All bullshit, here's my collabo on Zoo With Roy with him and Sara Circs. But as far as TVMWMMWWM's recaps go, I'll be back next week to blog about the finale. Or maybe I won't. I sort of hope I'm dead.

2. I need to devote more time to making some goddamn money in this world. Since I started this blog FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO, I have always maintained that cash rulez everything around me. I don't write this shit to entertain you. This is not a creative outlet for me. I do this for the cheddah. Thank you to all of you who paypal'd me $$$ to dondings@yahoo.com. Thank you to all of you who bought TVMWW t-shirts. Thank you to all of you who consistently spread my 700 Level isht around the internet. But it's time that I make some real motherfuckin' cash in this world. And that's why...

I'm droppin' a new mixtape.

Yeah, you heard it, The Potato Man is back, and my new mixtape "The Hudsucker Proxy part II" is set to drop April 23rd. All freestyle. All fire. All straight-up in-yo-dome chimichanga-style hip hop. Y'all ain't ready. Y'all ain't never been ready. Bout to takeover this rap game once and for all. #HudSux

Most of you know that before I became a world famous television and sports blogger, I was an underground rap legend. During the 2000's, I dropped two solo album covers (no music, just covers) under the name The Potato Man, and one collabo jawn with my boy Loaves as part of the duo, Shit Sauce.

Fire

Also fire. 

You can listen to Shit Sauce's :30 second single "Nathan's a Doof" here (off the album Put The Clamps on 'Em). That jawn went double triple double plat, and was mixed, recorded, produced and sung by my main man Monkey. Loaves and I literally didn't do shit for this record besides set up the MySpace page (shout out Tom). But if you listen to that track for just ten seconds you'll realize why Shit Sauce was once recognized as the dopest Hawaiian rappers in the game.

"The Hudsucker Proxy part II" is gonna be illlllllllll. I don't know how many songs are gonna be on it yet. There might me none. But what I do know is that this is a more mature Potato Man comin' at ya. I got health insurance now. I got a bald spot. And my freestyle skillz will be all up in yo area on April 23rd. I expect all y'all mothafuckaz to buy that shit EARLY on iTunes. It's gonna be textbook Potato Man, with some purple rope-a-dope yope comin' straight at da Pope.

April 23rd. Y'all ain't ready.

Peas,

- The Evster

aka The Potato Man aka Willie Dawkins aka Shreveport Sammy aka Westminster Abs aka Big Bad Willy Bing Bong

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Bach: You're a Lucky Woman, Kaitlyn. You are a Lucky, Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Woman.

This is a horrible television show.

The Bach is in Bali! (Not to be confused with Mali, which I may have done last night before I was corrected by my know-it-all wife.) Farmer Chris mentioned that Bali is "the most exotic place" he's ever been, narrowly edging out the Applebee's in downtown Des Moines.

JOKE OF THE YEAR!

Despite the bonkers location, last night's episode was once again a total snoozefest, probably because the star of this show is a doorknob and the three women remaining are about as interesting as AM radio. We're left with one virgin (borrrinnngggggg), one woman who "just wants to have babies" (barfffffffffffffff) and one lady who after falling in love with a farmer has lost every bit of spunk she once had in her petite (and SLAMMIN') Canadian bod.

But I gotta tip my hat (not actually wearing one) to ABC's editors who threw a little bit of foreshadowing at us during the first few mins of last night's ep. As Kaitlyn was interviewed on her monkey date, she said, "All of a sudden there's that feeling of loss as a plossibility." Turns out, it was more than a plossibility, it was a plobability, and Kaitlyn was sent packing a few hours later. Also, I rewound that scene and watched it over again two more times and turns out she did not actually say "plossibility", she said "possibility", but I still wanted to pretend like she said "plossibility" because I am a liar.

Chris (the doorknob, not the host who makes literally 4 million dollars an episode) obviously should've kept Kaitlyn and sent the virgin home. This is clear because: A) virgins are boring and B) that's a good enough reason right there. The virgj claimed that Chris's response to hearing that she was a virgj "could not have gone better" after he restrained himself from screaming and running away before setting himself on fire.

omg her hair and lol his nose

Now of course as a reality TV expert, I know that you can't believe everything you see on these shows, and they never get these things right on the first take. Luckily, TVMWMWWWMMWMWM has gained exclusive access to the transcripts from last night's ep, which shows Chris spewing complete and total nonsense after the virgin told him that she was a virgin.

VIRGIN: So Chris, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

CHRIS nods while mouth breathing.

VIRGIN: I'm aaaa... I'm a uhhhhh... I'm a uhhhhhhh...

CHRIS: Go on, you can tel--

VIRGIN: I'm a uhhhhh...

CHRIS: You're a uhhhhhh...

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin.

Silence.

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin.

Silence.

VIRGIN: I am a virgin.

CHRIS: Sorry, what?

VIRGIN: I'm a virgin. 

CHRIS: No yeah no no no yeah yeah, totally, TOTALLY. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, what?

VIRGIN: Oh god that feels so good to get off my chest. 

CHRIS: Yeah no. It's umm, what? You're a virrr, I'm sorry, do you? Because I...

VIRGIN: I've been meaning to tell--

CHRIS: I'm sorry do you hear someone cracking up in the background right now? Because I hear... Charlie? Is that you? We can hear you laughing, dude. 

CHARLIE: Sorry, sorry, sorry, I just--

PRODUCER: CUT! Cut cut cut! Cut!!! C'mon, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Sorry!

PRODUCER: You knew she was a virgin, Charlie! We went over it in pre-production.

CHARLIE: I know, I know, but omg she's such a vir--

PRODUCER: I know. It's hilarious. And disgusting. But let's run it again, from the top.

VIRGIN: You want me to tell him I'm a virgin again?

PRODUCER: Yes. Yes please, virgin. Thank you. Let's do this again, people, from the top. Andddddddddd, action!

VIRGIN: Chris, there's something I've been meani--

CHRIS: I'm sorry can you still hear him laughing? Because I can still hear him laughing.

VIRGIN: I can still hear him laughing.

PRODUCER: Me too.

WINSTON: Me too.

CHARLIE: Sorry. Terribly sorry.

PRODUCER: C'mon, Charlie. 

CHARLIE: I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise. Go ahead, we're still rolling. I'm sorry.

PRODUCER: Okay, from the top. He's still laughing. I can hear him. Okay, are we ready? Anddddddddddddddddd... Charlie.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that...

CHRIS: She's a virgin! 

CHARLIE: You know these cameras are real, right? People will see this. People will WATCH you. 

CHRIS: Quick questch, quick questch: am I supposed to not crack up in her face when she's telling me she's a virgin? Because it's really hard to not just crack up in her face. Is Larry setting himself on fire? Larry?

RIP Larry (and Sanderson)

So now what, people? Now what?

Well, we're left with one boring lady (Whitney) whose #tits are wayyyyyyy bigger than I thought, and one virgin who is wayyyyyyy more boring than the boring lady. Obviously Whitney would be the perfect wife for Chris (the Bachelor, not the oh god give it a rest, Ev). She's sweet and she loves him and that whole thing I wrote before about the #tits and how big they are and how everybody loves big #tits. And the virgin, well, c'mon, let's not be ridiculous. Either way, we're all going to die someday, so do whatever you want, Chris.

(The farmer, not the tweedledick hustler who has somehow finagled his way into making millions of dollars by doing nuh-thingggggggg.)

(NUH-THINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.)

Bye bye, Kaitlyn.

I liked you.

Your tattoos were dumb, though.

What are those, swallows?





Yo yo yow, I put up one of them #GoogSearch posts the other day. Did you read it? You should. People seem to like them. Whatever here's a giraffe eating dinner

Monday, February 23, 2015

Some New #GoogSearches That Led People to TVMWMWMWMWMWMW

Goggle it!

Welcome back to everybody's (or just @cranekicker's) favorite recurring post on the blog, #GoogSearches. For those of you who need things explained to you, here's what this is all aboot (ps I'm Canadian now).

When people come to the blog via searching for stuff on the internet, Google Analytics allows me to see what they've searched for. For examps, if someone types "fart clamps" into Google, my site might come up because I once wrote a post that had the words "fart" and "clamps" in it. It's obviously amazing so I figured I'd share. Here are some of the latest and greatest #GoogSearches.













andddddddddd...




Thanks for visiting my website, everybody!

ps fuck you!

It's okay I'm Canadian!

Click here for more #GoogSearches

Oscar Recap: American Sniper gets sniped, Patricia Arquette reads from piece of paper and Birdman much? I know right lol


Friday, February 20, 2015

The Oscars: Best Picture Preview w/ Feddd and Sara Circs

Bottom left is unacceptable. 

I do not know what compelled me to publish two (2) separate Oscar preview posts. The Academy Awards aren’t even that interesting, and last week’s Best Actor/Actress preview only generated 144 pageviews. To give you a little context, Tuesday’s Bach post generated 4 billion pageviews while last week’s Downton Abbey post forced 16 computers into automatic sleep mode.

I guess the red carpet stuff is okay (I do love that Mani Cam -- and can we PLEASE get a Pedi Cam?!) and the dead people montage is great (RIP Sanderson), but the rest of the show is a snoozer. I think I the only reason I write about it is because it’s fun to join in on a national conversashe (and I’m secretly a total star fucker). Plus, it seemed like a good excuse to invite my two good pals, TVMWW’s Official Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, back to da blog to share their insider Hollywood knowledge. Because what is life without long distance online cyber relationships and forcing your friends to do shit they don’t want to do.

So welcome back, guys!

FEDDD: What up! I wanted to sincerely tell you guys that is always fun to link up with you both and bring our different voices, tastes and perspectives to this deeply, deeply unpopular feature.

SARA CIRCS: I have not viewed a motion picture since 1994!

Best pic noms, clockwise starting from top left: The Grand Budapest Hotel (loved it), Whiplash (never heard of it), Birdbath (the story of a man and his birdbath), Selma and Louise (sorry), American Snipey (did he shoot that kid or WHAT?), The Imitation Game (shut up), Theory of Everything (bit of a lofty title if you ask me), Boyhood (aka Boyz in the Hood Part Deux aka Not Boyz in the Hood aka Boyzie Idaho the movie aka I'm sorry and I hate myself)

EV: Okay, this week we’re gonna break down Best Pictsh (or talk about whatever we want to talk about because seriously NO ONE is reading this). Watch, I’m gonna just type stuff that doesn’t make sense: Floors dale railings sauce. JIMMINY rice bangs! Can I get a peanut parp? YOU DAVED IT. 

FEDDD: Obviously my first thought is "Did you guys ever see that pic of Benedict Cumberbatch doing motion capture for Smaug?" because that is my entry point into every conversation.

Nice smauging. 

EV: I do that exact same stretch for my lower back and I'm not kidding. They're called press-ups. (I call them dick-ups.)

FEDDD: I've only seen four of these movies, but I have seen all 8 movie posters. You have to give Selma a lot of credit for breaking the trend of depicting brooding men looking right at us or at some drums or a rad sniper gun and instead having a guy with his back to us. What a power move!



But you have to give even MORE credit to the one movie that doesn't show any people at all and just straight up features a building.



Now of course I am biased here for two reasons. First, Grand Budapest Hotel was my favorite movie of the year, inching out Raid 2 and YouTube video "obese dog farts on a pigeon". And second, I am what you might call a TOTAL ARCHITECTURE NUT who also does not enjoy the gaze, touch, company or idea of other people. This movie was for me! That said, Richard Linklater filmed Boyhood over 12 years which is the ultimate power move and he's got this category in the bag. Now if you'll indulge me in a brief acceptance speech of my own: Thank you very much to the 144 of you who are reading this or the 12 of you who are reading this 12 times.

EV: Boyhood absolutely blew my butt all over my butt (I have two butts). The movie itself was only a B; the story was fine, the dialogue was decent, but the gimmick ramped it up to an A+ and that song at the end caused tears to drip out my butt (I have butt eyes).





Grand Butt was great too. Wes Anderson can do whatever he wants and I’ll love him unconditionally. It wasn’t his besttttttttttttt movie, I think that’s clear, and I think it got nominated because of some Hollywood politics stuff, and some studio big wigs are trying to get him and his movies into the mainstream so that maybe one day they can start to make some money, but I have absolutely no idea if that’s true and am totally talking out of my butt (I lied before, I actually have three butts and one of them is my mouth and I actually have nine butts and that’s why people call me Nine Butt Wally).

SARA CIRCS: Guys, you might be wondering what I’m doing here, as I did not see a single one of these movies. Truth be told, the last movie I saw in the theater was Annie: Cameron Diaz Is Over, and that was ONLY because it was the only kids’ movie that was out at the time. Even though I bought two tickets, my four-year-old son (five as of today!!), who is three quarters my size, sat on my lap the entire time. Over the course of the film, he ate 16 lbs of popcorn, squirmed impatiently during numerous uncomfortable rap moments, and asked to leave early because apparently he’s only interested in orphans when they’re white (Oliver (1968), Best Picture, Best Director, Best Art Direction-Set Decoration, Best Sound, Best Music, Score of a Musical Picture).

So, what am I doing here? Well I will fucking tell you. Look at those movie posters. You know what I see? I see a bunch of fucking dudes (and a hotel and a drumset and, yes, okay, one woman, but also a birdman). Hmm. Seems 2015 is the year of the dudes. Thrilled we’re finally recognizing dudes in movies. Thrilled I’m the first person ever to make this point. Hey guys, it looks like dudes are having their moment! Finally, a mome for dudes. Hey dudes, can you combine two sperm to make a person? No? THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN. I’m ready for a movie that literally has zero dudes in it, twenty fucking women, and just shitloads of ova (dudes, that’s latin for FEMALE EGGS). The plot of the movie is that the ova join together to make an ova army and turn global warming around. Ova Easy (2016), Best Pictsh, Best Actress, Best Actor (as Portrayed by an Actress), Best Ovum, Best Everything Else.) I am absolutely going to murder a man in the next 72 hours.

EV: Holy shit.

FEDDD: I'm with the broad on this one!

EV: So are you Los Angeles dipshits doing anything for the big show? Hot parties? Cold dips? I'm thinking about growing another butt.

FEDDD: I am going to rent a car and drive it into the ocean.

SARA CIRCS: Sharpening my scimitar.

EV: So no dips then?






Read last week's preview on Best Actor and Best Actress here or don't I honestly don't give a shit. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Bach: Last night we met a guy named Laren. Yes, you read that right. Laren.

Wowzers bowzers.


I am letting you know right off the bat that this entire post is about Laren. No, that's not even true, it's about the fact that there is a person in this world named Laren. In my 37 years as a human, I have never once heard the name Laren. I have heard of Jaren, as in Jaren Jackson, former shooting guard for the San Antonio Spurs and Portland Trailblazers, but never Laren. But after last night, I have now heard the name Laren. And that deserves its own blog post. 

When Jade said his name for the first time last night I turned my wife and said "Did she just say Laren?" and my wife wasn't really paying attention because she was looking at pictures of our cat on her phone so I rewound it and turns out that yes, his name was in fact Laren. And that's incredible. 


Originally in my notes I jotted his name down as "Laryn," with a Y, but it's actually Laren with an E (like the normal spelling of Karen, except not that name, because this man's name is Laren). When you stop and think about it for a sec you can almost convince yourself that Laren is in fact a name, like Lauren, or Jaren, but it's not. Or at least it wasn't until last night.

It's amazing how fine I am with the name Jaren. Maybe that's because I'm used to black people giving their kids fucked up names. And before you go off and are all, "OMG EV THAT'S SO (Raven, also a fucked up name) RACIST," shut up. Just shut up. It has long been acknowledged that black people give themselves some fucked up names. We're allowed to say that. That's a thing. But white people are starting to catch up. My stupid brother and his wife named their son Adlai (pronounced "Add-lay") and they expect people to know how to say this kid's name. Some people say Add-lie. Others say Ad-ah-lay. Even Adlai who is two and a half has no idea how to say his own name. I walk up to that dude and I'm like, "Yo Adlai lemme see that pirate hat," and he's like, "I'm Ah-lay" and I'm like, "What?" and he's like, "I'm Ah-lay!" and I'm like, "No you're not dude you're Adlai and your name is fucked up as shit so pass me that pirate hat if you wanna see your Uncle Ev lookin flyyyyyyy as fuh baby BAY-BEH," and then he snatches the hat and puts it on his own head WHEN HE KNOWS I WANNA TRY IT ON.


Laren seems to actually be doing quite okay for himself despite the fact that his name is Laren. He's got a cute, modest little rancher house in Nebrask and a daughter who is wayyyyyyyyyyy sexier than any virgin. He also has a piano in his home. A piano! That was shocking. Absolutely shocking. That coulda been its own blog post right there, and I recognize that it's totally #rude of me to be surprised that those people had a piano, but I was fucking SHOCKED that those people had a piano. I wonder who plays it? Probably Laren. Obviously Laren. He's a renaissance Laren.


Besides raising a daughter who showed off her vagj in Playbs (which I greatly appreciate) Laren also produced a son who looks exactly like Boyhood director, Richard Linklater... 




I know!
Shout out my boy @lolarsystem for the pic. 

This post easily could've been 30,000 words about Richard Linklater Junior. But it's not. It's about Jaren. I mean Laren. See even right there I wanted to call him Jaren because that seems like a name that you might actually say. But that's not this man's name. This man's name is Laren. 

Of all the people we've met so far this season, Laren is by far my favorite, and not just because his name is Laren (although that obviously plays a big part in it). Laren and Jade seemed to have a real, sweet, emotional father-daughter connection. And he was totally supportive of the whole glossy vagina thing.


Anyway, I fucking love that guy and would love to watch him play the piano while his son stood in the background doing nothing besides looking like Richard Linklater Joons. Also I am so fucking happy that Britt was sent home because she was lame as shit and not to say I told you so, but I told you so!!!


I also told you this post was gonna be only about Laren. 


See you next week, everybody!

RIP Sanderson. 

This song goes out to Carly (who I actually liked). 


 


Yoooooooooooooo, want more Bach stuff? Check out our Bachcap™over at Zoo With Roy. Or don't who cares life is meaningless. Here's some pictures of Frank. 


One of his favourite spots. 


HOW CAN ANYONE HANDLE ANYTHING

BONUS: JADE'S PLAYBOY VID. VA VA VA VOOMERS. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Oscar Preview w/ Feddd & Sara Circs: Best Actor & Actress

Hey Oscar, are you ready for the Oscars?

"My name's Oscar!"

How 'bout you Oscar Pistorius?

"Help I just shot and killed my girlf!
There's
 blood everywhere lol!"

Ummm, wrong number Oscar lmao. No but seriously folks, looks like Oscar's going to jail... for Life (1999, starring Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence, nominated for Best Makeup).

To celebrate Oscar killing his girlf -- and to get us ready for Hollywood’s big night -- I've invited TVMWW's Official Hollywood Correspondents, Feddd and Sara Circs, back to the blog. Quick refresher on their credentials: Feddd has a masters in screenwriting from Boston University, and Circs went to middle school with Jake Gylls.

Let's do this!

EV:  So Guys (and Dolls (1955), nominated for Best Art Direction), are you ready to talk movies?!

SARA CIRCS:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

FEDDD:  smile emoji.jpgpistol.png

EV:  Oh BE-HAYVE (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)). Today, we will break down the nominees for Best Actor and Best Actress. Next week we will tackle Best Pictsh. So let's start with Best Actress. My vote goes to Oscar Pistorius’s girlf jk she’s dead rofl.

L to R: Some lady, Julianne Moore, Reesey,
Jackie Onassis Jr., Darryl Hannah. 

And the nominees are:

Marion Cotillard -- Two Days, One Night (nope)
Felicity Jones -- The Theory of Everything (aka The Theory of Nope)
Julianne Moore -- Still Alice (RIP Ann B. Davis)
Rosamund Pike -- Gone Girlf (ugh)
Reese Witherspoon -- Wild (not a real movie)

Whaddya think, Circs?

SARA CIRCS:  I haven’t seen a movie since 2007. That said, I think it’s either gonna be Pike or Witherspoon. Witherspoon because, like her old Election (1999, nominated for Best Screenplay) character Tracy Flick, she has been campaigning hard (Ev please post a pic of the Election (1999) poster and someone please explain to me why they used Kate Hudson on that poster instead of Reese Witherspoon). And Pike because like a pike (a type of fish), Pike is sexy, British and was in a suspenseful movie. These things might also be true of the other ladies in this cat’ (short for category), but I just feel like their movies aren’t as famous and they’re not gonna win and I ABSOLUTELY don’t care enough to do any research.

That really does look like Kate Huds.

EV:  So who did you pick? Pike, Reese or Kate Huds?

SARA CIRCS:  Remind me what we’re talking about again.

EV:  Oscar Pistorius. The guy literally shot and killed his girlf in cold blood (1967, nominated for Best Original Score AND Best Cinematography) and got off. How is that possible? And how was he born without feet?! I smell a SCREENPLAY. Ummm, Daniel Day Lewis much? (Best Actor, My Left Girlf (1990), There Will be Blood All Over My Girlf (2008), Lincoln Fucked My Girlf So I Shot Him In His Fat Face (2013)).

You’re up, Feddd!

FEDDD:  What a strong group of performers! So it's really too bad that there's a huge asterisk next to this category because none of these women are Keri Russell in The Americans. I'm sure Marion Cotillard turned in a powerhouse performance, but I doubt she seduced and then killed even one guy using poison or hand-to-hand combat in Two Days, One Night. In fact, did any of these women kill a guy in any of these movies? The answer is yes. Rosamund Pike actually murders a guy in a very intense and sensual way in Gone Girl and it's probably the best scene that's ever been in a movie. That said, this is Julianne Moore's category. We all saw Still Alice and were moved by her portrayal of the main character Alice Stillman as she battles restless-leg syndrome and tries to stay still. Some of us also saw Theory of Everything and were really surprised to find that it was fucking sad as shit and actually kind of ruined a date that we were pretty excited about. MEMO TO BRITISH MOVIES: Nobody wants to see an honest depiction of love! Candy-coat it for me, you English son of a bitch! Also, if Felicity Jones (who was excellent) wandered into The Americans, Keri Russell would honestly stuff her into the trunk of a car SO fast.

EV:  Will you guys shut up for five minutes and admit that this is the lamest group of nominees in Oscar (1999, starring Sylvester Stallone) history? Reese Withies and Julianne Moore are the only famous people in this category and I'm not even sure if their movies are real. I’m picking Marion to win because my mom has a friend named Marion and her husband’s name is Dick.

Speaking of 8====D, Best Actor!

L to R: Steve Carrell (lookin like Ben Stiller!), Michael Keats,
Nerdbutt Jenkins, Suspenders McGee, Bradley Coops

The nominees are (I mean, I just told you above, but whatevs):

Steve Carell -- Foxcatcher (didn't see it)
Bradley Coops -- American Snipes (more like American BEAUTY (1999), Best Pictsh)
Benedict Cumberbatch -- No One Cares
Michael Keats -- Birdman
Eddie Redmayne -- The Theory of Birds

SARA CIRCS:  Ugh why do I always have to go first? Definitely DID NOT see any of these movies. Has anyone noticed how hot Steve Carell can get when he has like a beard and stuff? So basically Michael Keaton can do no wrong in my eyes (Beetlejuice (1988, Best Makeup), anyone?) and I think it’d be cool if he won. I think Bradley Cooper is like whatever, probably not as nice a guy as people want to think he is, and Eddie Redmayne is a litttttttttle in over his head with this nomination (isn’t he like 17?). Nice try, Les Mis (2012, Best Supporting Actress, Best Makeup, Best Sound Mixing)!

I’m positive I’m the first to notice this but THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL SO WHITE.

EV:  I didn’t see any of these movies either, but I did see the trailer for American Sniper and it was RIVETING. Will Bradley Coops shoot the little kid or will he NOT shoot him? NO IDEA. Like I said, didn’t see the movie. I’ll tell ya what movie I am gonna see though: Fifty Shades of Dick!

Mr. Momma Mia Teri Garr va va va voom!

FEDDD:  This is something of a historic category as it marks the first time ALL FIVE nominees fucking tricked me into thinking their movies wouldn't be sad as shit and end up kind of ruining my night. Now, I didn't actually see Barnadict Cubmersmack's entry, but I give The Imitation Game credit for an honest trailer that said right up front, "Hey, just a heads-up, things don't go great for this guy." But the rest of these movies used things like wrestling, guns and science to trick ol' Feddd into thinking he was in for a nice time at the theater. WRONG, FEDDD. Now, I won't even fault Foxcatcher for having such a misleading title because honestly I didn't do my research and that's on me. But I do blame it for being a weird, alienating, fat fucking bummer and, for me, watching Carell was the opposite of joy. American Sniper was a solid war flick and B-Coop is good, but excuse me Ice Cube took out a helicopter with a Nerf football in Three Kings and he didn't get an Oscar nom so you tell me what's going on here. Birdman was basically the best jazz concert I went to this year and Keaton is always fun to watch. But you can't show me a guy levitating and fighting dragons in the trailer and then give me a movie about relationships not working out. MEMO TO AMERICAN MOVIES DIRECTED BY MEXICAN GENIUSES: Candy-coat it for me, you visionary son of a bitch! Everyone knows this is Redmayne's year. He wheeled his way into our hearts and then ran over it 70 times when he left his dutiful wife for his speech therapist in The Theory of Fuck Your Date Federman Hope You Remember How to Get Back to Her House Because That is Where You Will Be Taking Her ASAP Your Night Is Over.

SARA CIRCS:  Maybe if you didn’t see movies you know nothing about, they wouldn’t end up ruining your dates, you’d actually have sex, and then you’d have children and would be unable to see movies like some people I know. JUST A THOUGHT.

EV:  That’s not a bad thought, Feddds.

FEDDD:  I don't think it's too much to ask to have a nice time at the theater and not have any Kids (1995, Larry Clark).

EV:  I honestly can’t believe how many of these movies you’ve seen, Feddds. You haven’t paid your fantasy football dues in over three years, but yet you’re directly responsible for over $3,000 in box office ticket sales. Last questch for you two bozos: You have 15 bones to spend on movie time concessions. What ya gettin?

SARA CIRCS:  $15? What can that get you these days, three individual Sno Caps? (Snow Dogs (2002), starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.) Lol no but seriously guys, speaking of Snow Dogs (2002, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.), I actually would buy a hot dog and Junior Mints (and I am 100% dead serious about this).

FEDDD:  My main move (I've done it twice) is to sneak in a bag of Wetzel's Pretzel Bites in the theater and then use the bag to barf into when I'm done. Also, one theater out here has Kinder Happy Hippos and I can't even say they're great but biting into a hippo is the ultimate.

EV:  I'm a popcorn and Raisinettes fan myself (and also a fan of dudes' asses).

See ya next week!

Adorbsz!

Yo, make sure you follow Feddd and Circs on Twitter (even though Feddd's semi-retired). Or if you want more Feddd and Circs, read some of our Oscar Gchats from last year. And follow me on Twitter too if you don't already. Or don't. I don't give a shit. Just check out these Latrell Sprewell socks that are only 16 bucks! I just ordered a pair. Also Rik Smits!


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Bach: Chris and Britt are the worst and so is everyone else except my cat who is precious

In case you missed it the first 487 times I mentioned it on this blog, my wife and I recently got a kitten. His name is Frank. He is covered in fur. And he is supes dupes froop-a-doops cupes.

"Did someone say Snoop Loops?"

Nah yo I said "froop-a-doops."


"Oh my base. Carry on."

I can't even come close to handling Frank. Can't. Even. Come. Close.

I KNOW!

Since Frank came into our lives, nothing else matters. NUH-THING. I don't care about this blog. I don't care about yogurt. I don't care about Kentucky potentially going undefeated (jk I totes do omg can they #DO #IT?!). All I want to do, all day every day, is go nose-to-nose with the furry little creature who now lives in my house and shits in a box.

So Monday night, as we settled in to watch our favorite toilet bowl of a TV show, I noticed that Frank was missing. Not missing missing, calm down, I'm not saying he ran out the door or anything, I'm just saying that I hadn't seen him for a while. Normally he's bing-bonging all over the place, jackknifing off the bookcase, sticking his little butt in the air like he's the King of France. But last night, nothin. So when I suddenly heard a little meow coming from the couch by my wife, I had to figure out what was going on.

"Is the Frankinator sleeping next to you?" I asked my wife.

"Ummm, yes?" she replied.

"Has he been there all night?"

"Maybe?"

"Just nuzzling? And cuddling? And being snoop loops cupes?"

"Yeah?"

"So you're basically just hogging our cat now?"

"No, not at all. It's just..."

"IT'S JUST WHAT, DAR?"

"It's just that you have spaghetti hanging from your chin and I hate you."

"HE'S MY CAT TOO, Y'KNOW?! HE'S MY CAT TOO!"

"I WANNA RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF."

I mean, THE AUDACITY of them to snuggle together right in front of me! Frank, I understand, he's a goddamn cat. But my WIFE? The woman I dedicated my life to?! Do you know how that made me feel, Dar? You don't think I wanted to feel Frank's soft, warm breath on my neck as I held him up and squeezed his belly forcing him to exhale even though I know he hates that? It's just #rude. I wanna snuggle too, guys. I like snuggies. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SNUGG ME?

What I'm getting at here folks -- for those of you who aren't familiar with the ancient blogging technique of crafting a metaphor and then having to explain that metaphor in the very next paragraph -- is that Chris (the farmer, not the host of the show who literally does nothing) and Britt are total fucking assholes. Their behavior during the group date -- being affectionate in front of the other women, stealing little pecks on the lips, escaping to that lame-o concert, HOLDING HANDS -- was downright despicable. They should be ashamed of themselves for being so insensitive. It was hurtful. It was disrespectful. And it was insulting. And I think Carly actually used those three adjectives when describing her feelings making this paragraph completely void of one original thought.

Britt loves a smokey eye, doesn't she?

But still, this whole thing could've been easily avoided if Britt and Chris (the donut brain, not the guy who steals money from ABC) thought for one measly second before they walked back into that grouper holding hands. All those idiots needed to do was come up with a somewhat believable story to tell the other chicks. A simple white lie, the basis for which all relationships are based on.

CHRIS:  Okay, Britt. Here's what happ'd: we ducked out for a minny, I got a severe case of dye-dyes, and then had to rush to a bathroom before I shit my pants.

BRITT:  Perfect. And on the way to the bathroom, I had to grab the rose and make sure you didn't shit all over it.

CHRIS:  Yes. And as I blasted shit out of my butt into a somewhat-clean but still super-disgusting public toilet, you stood by the stall door making sure everything was okay.

BRITT:  Right. And because I helped you out while your ass exploded, you gave me the rose. Got it?

CHRIS:  Got it.

BRITT:  Good. Ready to go back in?

CHRIS:  Yes. Gimme your hand.

BRITT:  No, you idiot!

Slaps Chris across the face.

CHRIS:  Goddammit I want you so bad.

BRITT:  I want you too.

CHRIS:  I wanna bring you back to Iowa and bore the shit outta you.

BRITT:  I wanna fuck your butt with a strapper.

CHRIS. You know what? I want you to. I WANT YOU TO.

BRITT:  Where are you going with this, Evster?

CHRIS:  No idea.

BRITT:   Probably should've ended this scene like six lines ago.

CHRIS:  More like 12.

BRITT:  Don't be #rude.

CHRIS:  Sorry.

See? Easily avoidable! By the by, can we talk about the fact (and when I say "we" I obviously mean "me" because I'm the only one talking here and I'm not even talking, I'm writing, and omg shut the fuck up Ev and just get on with it) that The Bach franchise has just OBLITERATED everything that is sweet and innocent about holding hands? When did holding hands become so casjz? I don't know about you assholes, but I've always thought of holding hands (especially in public) to be a very sweet and romantic gesture. Maybe even the sweetest! I've tried to choke out plenty of women in the bedroom. I've asked to be spit on. To be kicked about the head, neck, breast and chest areas. But I have only attempted to hold hands with a very select group of women. That is some real Harry Met Sally type shit. Any woman can be chained to a bike rack in a man's attic. But only an angel is worthy of a hand-to-hand embrace.

lol

ALSO, what is up with that "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" song? Am I missing something? Is the American horse population in danger? How does having sex with a man help a #horse? If it does, great, I'm all for the preservation of horses. They're beautiful creatures (with the saddest, dumbest faces) and I totally appreciate a movement that encourages more women to sexually overpower men. But if horses have been dropping dead because women are riding them too damn hard, that is a MAJOR problem. And I appreciate Big and Rich (and their wallet chains) calling the issue to the nation's attention.

"Hey Big, what's a matter with Mr McNibbles?"

"Aw shoot, Rich, he's had dye-dye for weeks now."

"Any idear what it's from?"

"Two gals rode him hard last week. Rode the life right outta 'im"

"GODDAMMIT BIG WHEN WILL IT STOP? WHEN WILL IT STOP?"

"Dunno, Rich. Dunno."

Spits wad of tobacco that lands in a pile of horseshit. Big and Rich eat the horseshit and then write a hit song. KA-CHING.

All right, enough of all this jibber jabber, let's get to Meltdown City.

All aboarrrrrddddddd!!

That whole panic attack shit? That scene where Kelsey had a goddamn panic attack and passed out on the floor and needed OXYGEN. Yo, she legitimately had a panic attack. She wasn't pulling that stunt for attention or to postpone the rose ceremony -- she had a legit panic attack because she is incapable of controlling her basic human emotions. I'm not saying a sane person can't have panic attacks -- they can, and I imagine they're quite overwhelming, and terrifying -- but there is no reason to fake a panic attack on a TV game show that has a less than a 6% success rate. What is there to gain?

Think about it this way: no man on this planet would find it attractive for a woman to have a panic attack. NO MAN. There's no thought like, "Wow, she's panicking. I want to help her and make sure she's okay." That would never ever ever happen. It's more like, "Whoa, this woman is a nightmare. What can I do that will calm her down so I can get her out of my life as soon as possible? Also omg my #horse just died."

Ashley on the other hand, wowzers bowzers. Dial down the desperate lady. #DIAL #IT #DOWN. I cannot remember anyone in this show's history being that much of an emotional wreck. She cried every single episode, and I honestly can't think of one reason why. It's not like her horse died because some non-virgin rode it too hard. Although it was kind of amazing when Kelsey was staring her down and she replied that just because she's dumb as shit that doesn't mean she's super fucking dumb as shit. That being said, she is super fucking dumb as shit and I think she'll die a virgj.

I literally don't care about this blog post anymore and am just gonna end it.

RIP Sanderson.




Yo! Coming tomorrow is part 1 of TVMWMMWMWMW's Oscar Preview with Feddd and Sara Circs. Be sure to check it out. But for now, check out Koko and her kittens. I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ps as I'm typing this Frank is nibbling my foot. He's a bit of a nibbler!